Ohai-atus!

On Monday I went out with my first set up. Bachelor #15 is a guy that my cousin (and her mom) thought would be great for me. She said he’s very nice, he always has them laughing, he’s responsible. Sounds good. Sign me up.

He & I spoke on the phone several times. He was certainly nice and I suppose I chuckled a few times too. However, he sharted all over most of my ideas of 'fun'. When I asked him if he likes to go bowling he said “I actually hate bowling.” o.k. I told him that I really like going to Chicago and he said he didn’t like Chicago either. But then about a minute later he told me he’s never actually been to Chicago but “it just doesn’t seem like it would be my thing.” Here's a thought... how about you try something first before dismissing it, guy? There were at least 2 other things he gave the thumbs down to that I brought up. And that was just in our first conversation. He has a very narrow spectrum of what he does in his spare time. And, if that works for him, that’s fine. But I’m the total opposite. I just like to keep my options open and I would prefer someone with a like mindset. By the way, my cousin insists he was just doing this "to be funny". No. But even if that was the case, I don't get the "joke".

Additionally, he also used the word ‘FAIL’ (All caps. Usually followed by an 'lol'.) on me many times both on the phone and via text. Like when I said I still had Christmas shopping to do. And when I didn’t answer one of his phone calls. And when I said I hadn't been feeling well the day before. And when I said I didn’t know where I wanted to meet him for lunch. It got pretty old.

Basically, I knew I was not interested in this guy but I decided I’d still go out with him to appease my cousin.

So we met in person and he was a lot less… annoying? He was really laid back and nice. Of course, a little while into the date he told me that he was pretty well drugged up since he had been sick for a few days. This is the second guy I’ve gone out with since I started this thing that’s overdosed before the date. At least I didn’t have to drive this one home. [See: Bachelor #2 ]

But overall the date was fine. He works for my uncle’s company (where a lot of my family members work) so we spent some time catching up on the family gossip that I’m not privy to otherwise. There were definitely some lulls in the conversation so that aforementioned family gossip was a good thing to fall back on.

In a nutshell, very nice guy but we don't have much in common. Also, he wants kids and the thought of having more kids makes me violently ill.

So, with that I'm going to be taking a break from this self-imposed date-a-thon for a bit. I'm (moooost likely) taking down my online profiles and am going into hibernation for just a little while. But not too long. While this experience has been fraught with creeps and assholes, there has still been a lot about it that has been fun and an interesting learning experience for me. I have gone out with a few pretty cool people and, while none of them have worked out thus far, I still had fun. And if I don’t put myself out there, nothing good will ever happen. Or so they say, right? I'll still be updating my blog with some "observations" for the 3 people that read this. So fear not, while I won't officially be doing much dating for the next several weeks, I'll still be lovin', touchin' and bloggin'. (Full circle.) Namaste.

At The (Almost) 50 Yard Line

I went out with Bachelor #14 last Wednesday night. No surprise we went to a Mexican restaurant since chimichangas apparently enhance male testosterone levels or something. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 100 times: Gringos love Mexican restaurantes. (I’m short on ideas here so look at this picture.)

Anyway, B#14 & I had been e-mailing for a week or two. He's a defense attorney who grew up in Brooklyn, NY (so had a nice little accent). He also had a good sense of humor and was a really nice guy. He didn't get inappropriate at all during our e-mail exchanges which was nice. It's kind of sad when something fairly Captain Obvious becomes a plus.

We met in person and the conversation flowed really well. We had a lot to talk about and had some things in common. For instance, we were both kicked out of one of our high schools. Now, if that's not something to bond over, I don't know what is. Another plus was that he seemed interested in the things I was talking about, he asked me questions and actually listened to the answers. All good things. (More Captain Obvious.)

Again, a really nice date and an overall good experience. I told him that, with Christmas coming and me not having started shopping yet, the next few days would be really busy for me and I would probably be MIA. But that didn’t stop him from emailing me 13 TIMES over the next couple of days. I only responded to maybe the second or third e-mail but he just kept them coming. Holy crap. Good thing we never exchanged numbers because I can only imagine what the text situation would be like if I've gotten this many e-mails.

As nice as our date was, I didn't feel a dating connection with him so this is one that I will not be pursuing. Of course, the excessive e-mails clinched that. Also, I am taking that little break from dating. Well, with one exception. I had my first set-up yesterday. My cousin & her mom think they've got a great guy for me. I'll be the judge of that! Which works nicely because I'm super judgmental. I’ll be posting about that one soon.

When I Walk Into the John… It’s a Photo Shoot!

In case you’re one of the people who doesn’t get that reference (aka everyone), check it. Gucci Mane. Yeah, I’m hard core.

So, I’ve come to the very obvious conclusion that men love to take pictures of themselves in the mirror. Preferably the bathroom mirror; it’s a lot more roomy. It seems really bizarre to me but I do get enjoyment from these pictures. I find myself focusing more on what’s in the background or on their counters than I do of them. I think “Hmmm… he uses Scope. I bet he loves cats.” Or “Is that Suave *Professionals* I see in the background? He must be doing well for himself.”

What is with this mirror portrait phenomenon? Are these men reclusive? Do they not go to any functions or have any friends where they have at least one photo opportunity? I don’t know if women do this on dating sites. I’d imagine so. I’ve often thought about creating a fake dude profile so I could lurk on womens’ dating profiles to see the turdey stuff they do. Maybe for my next blog I’ll do some kind of Yentl-type shit.

Anyway, I’ve just been really noticing it lately so I thought I’d feature a few of my favorites. (These really are taken from the dating sites I'm on.)

o.k. here's a pretty basic picture. He's not trying to do anything fancy. He's not dressing up for the occasion. Lot of guys will switch up their hats or shirts. I imagine they call in sick to work and plan a whole 8-hour bathroom photo shoot. Not this guy. Hit it and quit it. Moving on...

This guy is taking things up juuust a notch. He's got the gangtsta lean, he upgraded the black t-shirt with some neon graphics of a shirtless man wearing a neck tie and then added a lime green watch. Nice touches, guy. What's that? A pinky ring? o.k. I see you...

This next fellow is funky fresh dressed to impress, ready to party. Except that he forgot his socks. But that's o.k. because he is woooorkin' it! I quite like the foot on the bathroom counter. Very editorial. I think Trya Banks would love the liberties he's taken with his poses.

And speaking of liberties, there's this one. As you can see, I've libertized (not a word. going with it.) my black square in what I believe is probably a very accurate portrayal. No doubt about it, this gentleman is looking for love. He'll be married, or in the porn industry, within a year.

This guy is once, twice, three times the Affliction. You've got our attention.

Then there's this guy. Trying to be coy and not look directly at the mirror. Oh what's that, telephone? You're taking a picture? I'm just over here watching CSPAN. Let me know when you're done. (But make SURE you get my ponytail in the picture or I'll scratch your eyes out.)

This isn’t *technically* a mirror picture. I mean, the production value is way better. But it does look like it was taken in a bathroom and it’s just so fucking festive I can’t resist.

I’m totally staying tuned to this guy’s dating profile. I can't wait to see what he does for Easter!

An Invitation I Can't Refuse...

Or can I? So, this guy who contacted me sure is setting the stage for an evening of mystery and intrigue. I can't help but think that his real bathroom looks nothing like this. I'm guessing there are fewer champagne glasses and more tapped out tubes of Preparation H. And replace those rose petals strewn about with dirty boxers. Fellas, amiright? Needless to say, unlike soap on a rope, I will be letting this one slip through my fingers.

Then, as if I could barely resist the bachelor above, I get a wink from this guy. He had about 20 pictures of himself including this gem:

Temptation? Is that you? In reality, this is what I did when I saw this picture:

• Brief glance at the ass.
• Rolled my eyes.
• Turned my attention to what was on the shower curtain. Are those tigers?
• More attention to the tigers on the shower curtain.
• Noted the hole in the jeans.
• Moved on. Well, print screen of this for the blog and THEN I moved on.

Oh, and last night I got an e-mail from someone who knew me in high school AND got one of my friends pregnant. Twice. He wants to get together. File that under: Happening -> Never.

I'm so glad to be taking a break from this for a while. Dating is exhaustive and, quite honestly, can be fairly depressing. If nothing else, discouraging. The pickins are slim and, at my ripe old age, the men come with a lot more baggage. And not just like a fanny pack. A complete set of Samsonite luggage. Not that I am implying I don't have my fair share of bullshit that I carry around. I'm just better at.. unpacking? Or so I think. (Just don't ask any of my exes because they are all liars.) Next!

Hello? Is It Me You're Looking For?

Nope.

Today I had coffee with Bachelor #13. The end. Really, that's all I wish I could write here. This date was just so meh that it's barely worth writing about. But I will.

After a few weeks of occasionally texting and e-mailing, we did set up a time to meet so we got together for some coffee this afternoon. He was very gentlemanly; opened doors for me, helped me get my coat off, pulled out my chair. All very nice.

He started out by telling me about his severe health issues and how he was blind for a year, how he's had pancreas and kidney transplants and a bevy of other ailments. Those are all *kind of* a big deal so big ups to him for getting through all that. He told me how all of that has given him a really positive outlook on life and how, because of his blindness, he's come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as an unattractive women. Liar. Of course, later on in the conversation he did go on to diss the morbidly obese women that have contacted him on the dating sites so I suppose his take on how beautiful the world is is relative to the topic. But really, this date was just very ho-hum. I had had a late night the night before and was tired and really wanted to get back home so I could watch the Packers game. (13-0, bitcheeeees!) So, we ended it with a hug and went our separate ways. Very nice guy but just a little boring. Not interested. Check, please.

I know, this date was boring. But I came across these humorous (or, at least they were in my sick mind) dating memes that hopefully will make up for all that:

Blind Date Murderer

So, that's it. I'm going to go out on 2 more dates so I hit the mid-mark and then I'm going to take a small hiatus from this dating thing. Just some time off for the holidays. And also, because it has been exhaustive having to rassle up 15 partially decent guys to go out with on top of dealing with the usual dating bullshit.

Oh, I was having dinner with my siblings & cousin the other night and my sister told me, ala Millionaire Matchmaker Patty Stanger, that she thinks "my picker is off". I'm not finding the right guys for me. That led us to a discussion that will completely revolutionize my next 15 bachelors. Or, a good number of them, at least. So, the second round of my date-a-thon will be largely chosen by my family & friends. They're going to set me up with people that they think would be a good match for me. It will be extremely interesting to see the kinds of people that they think I should go out with. Hopefully their picker is better than mine. If not, it's going to make next Thanksgiving veeery uncomfortable.

Cat Fancy

I had a date with Bachelor #12 last week. He had called me a few times before our date and he was sooo boring. He just talked and talked and talked and barely came up for air. If he were on that Tough Love show, Steve Ward would have ripped him a new one over that. I don't think he even cared if I was listening to him or not. Which happened to work out well for me because I was able to get in a few games of online Solitaire and finished watching an episode of Hoarders.

But even though he was a snoozer and told me that he hangs up Christmas stockings for his cats, I decided that I'd give him a chance.

We met at a downtown watering hole. He was less boring in person so that was better. His sense of humor was awkward though. I asked him if he was into politics at all (I know, I know... we're not supposed to talk about that on the first date but I do what I want!). He was very firm in his belief that our local news anchor, Kathy Mykleby, a fixture on our local news broadcasts for probably 30 years, should be relieved of her duties to make room for younger and more attractive women. That was how he answered my question about news & politics. Then he did a very weird impersonation of her (see: aforementioned awkward sense of humor) in which he only spoke out of one side of his mouth and used his elbows a lot. I've never seen Kathy do this but I suppose if that is his experience with her, so be it. But, clearly, he was very passionate about this subject. He even named a few women that he thought would fit Kathy's old memaw Hush Puppies nicely.

He's a tech guy and I have some interest in the internets so I was able to expand on that topic which helped the conversation. (I think the birthday shot of Wild Turkey that he got me also helped the conversation.) We actually got on a topic that I'm interested so I just kept asking him questions about it and found it to be quite educational. He did know a lot about the subject matter.

So the conversation was going relatively well when he told me about one of his side businesses. And no, it's not selling pet stockings. In fact, he sells kits that promise to prevent premature ejaculation. Yes, he's a penis helper pusher. Of all the things in the world to sell (macramé beer cozies, adult pajamas that you can wear to the grocery store, cat stockings), why this? My best guess is that it's a subject that is near and dear to his... heart?

So, we chatted for a bit more but I had had enough. And, quite frankly, I wanted to get home in time for Family Guy. I bid him adieu and walked to my car only to find a parking ticket for $22. There goes my ejaculation kit money!

The Freaks Come Out On Wednesdays

Today has been a very busy day in my dating world. No real prospects just a bunch of hot messes contacting me. To start:

I got an e-mail earlier on one of my dating sites from... (drum roll please) a family. A husband, wife and their 2 boys aged 2 & 7. wtf? They said that they are looking for "some new connections" because they're "tired of their flaky friends that never show up or show up late." What kinds of "friends" are these, pray tell, and what are they showing up late for? The Swingers Ball that is no doubt happening in your Thomas Kinkade-themed bedroom? The e-mail also came with a festive holiday photo of the family. I’d put it on here but I feel bad for the kids in the picture. Feliz Navidad! I’m sure daddio’s looking to stuff a stocking. It will not be mine though.

I also received another message with several pictures of various men that said:

If you are currently corresponding with any of the men pictured here please message me.
If you are currently actively dating any of the men pictured here PLEASE message me.
If you are currently sleeping with any of the men pictured here PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE message me.

I have information about all of them that could save you a lot of time and heart ache.
Worst is that my heart just broke over one of them because I just found out that he's still on here and is still active.

She’s got 99 problems but a bitch aint one. Men. Men are all of her problems. Oh, and she's probably really crazy too.

These dating sites are fodder for all the mentals. I’m sure most of these aren’t even real but *somebody* is creating these profiles. They’re not being made by robots.

Let’s see… I also just got an e-mail from ‘huntersrule’. It says: “Hello life is so short! Would you like to dance?” No.

Lastly, this guy sent me a message that he’s interested in meeting me. Dead animals on the wall? A bear montage? Street lingo? Holla! I think this one’s a keeper. Wait. I mean creeper.

Jive Turkey

o.k. as promised, I got back into procuring additional male suitors this week. I had a date with Bachelor #11 Thursday night. Yes, it was Thanksgiving but I figured I’d be done with dinner early enough. Secondly, he told me he had nothing else to do because, since he had to work at 6 a.m. the next day, he wasn’t able to go back home this year. And also, and most importantly, I didn’t want to use any ‘good days’ on him. i.e. Friday and Saturday. So, given that there’s not a lot open on Thanksgiving night, we went to the one place that never closes: the casino.

I told him I wouldn’t be available until around 8 but, for some reason, he texted me before 6:00 to let me know he was already there. I ended up leaving dinner before dessert was served so I could get there when I told him I would (8:00). So, we met and went straight to the bar. It didn’t take me long to realize that he’s pretty douchey and overly sarcastic. I’m a pretty sarcastic person myself but there’s a point where it’s just not funny. For instance, the elderly gent next to me started chatting me up and we were having a pleasant little conversation. He was telling me about the Kinect he got for his grandkids and then mentioned how it also comes with exercise games. He jokingly made a comment that he should probably use those himself when B#11 leaned over and said “Yeah. You should.” This guy was totally thrown off by that comment and I was surprised by it myself. That was just rude.

He just said kind of shitty things like that every once in a while. He also interrupted me constantly. He’d ask me a question and, as I was answering him, interrupt with another question or just a tid bit relative to the story he wanted to tell me. All while simultaneously barely ever taking his eyes off the game on the TV. He told me that his ex-wife still brings him dinner once a week because she thinks he's helpless. He also told me how, when they got divorced, she left everything at the house, didn’t ask for any of his pension, didn’t ask for any equity in the brand new home they had built together. She just left. That seems kind of telling to me but I’m not Dr. Phil. The date only lasted an hour because he gets up at 4:30 a.m. and I could not have been more pleased to leave when we did. He was cocky, rude and boring: the turd trifecta. I was completely disinterested in everything he stands for.

It just blows that I ditched out on dessert for that crap...

Preoccupado

I've been very neglectful with my blog. Mostly because I've been hanging out a lot with Crocs Boy. aka Bachelor #8. He's a really cool guy who is fun to be with, successful, takes me anywhere I want to go (Medieval Times, mutha fuckaaaas! o.k. that was his idea. But it was fun.) and has a great sense of humor. I'm not sure we're both in the same place now in our dating worlds but, in the meantime, we had a pretty decent time together. However, we've been spending *so* much time together lately that I've been totally unresponsive to the e-mails, winks, pokes, etc. I've been getting online. And, obviously, haven't been looking on my own; either on the internets or in other venues. But I've made a commitment here to date all these damn guys so I've decided to focus again on acquiring more gentleman callers. So this weekend I started tapping into some resources that I'd otherwise brushed off and am drumming up more business again. Now I can turn my attention to gems like this potential Prince Charming:

Although, as tempting as it is, I don't think I'll e-mail this guy back. But there are dozens more like him just waiting in the wings. This. I know. Guys like sensualhealer555 (sorry, but I won't accept anything higher than sensualhealer362), chocolatebear1212, sexychoklit, (lots of candy lovers on these sites, I guess.) plentyofheart69, pre-wett and nuttrageous.

So I'll get back into the swing of things and start to generate some more numbers again. (I've already got a date lined up for Thursday.) And, obviously, hopefully meet some awesome people. But if that's not the case, then at least I'll have some cray cray stories to share*.

*The likeliest scenario

Steaming Turd of the Day

I got an e-mail on match recently from some guy an acquaintance of mine used to... date? When she first started seeing him I lurked on her facebook page because I was curious about what he looked like. So I know who he is but he doesn't know me. Which is how I recognized him when I got the message.

Anyhoo, he sends me an e-mail complimenting my smile or something. I responded with a polite 'Thank you'. He then says to me, he says “Are you looking to meet someone?” No. I’m on match because I’m looking to avoid as much human interaction as possible. What a dumb question. But regardless, I respond with "You used to see someone I know fairly well so I’m filing that under 'Dealbreaker' but good luck to you." He responds with a "Sorry about that. Good luck to you too."

Fine. So after this, I hopped back on my friend’s fb page to see if she's still friends with him. She is and his profile is wiiiide open.  Let the lurking resume. Turns out this guy totally has a girlfriend. His relationship status is “In a Relationship” and they post mushy shet to each other all the time and as recently as that day. What an asshole! I went back to his match profile just to see if he was looking for an ‘intimate encounter’ or some crap like that and it says that he’s looking for a relationship. What a shady mother fucker.

To quote Kanye: “Let’s have for toast to the douchebags, let’s have a toast for the assholes, let’s have a toast for the scumbags, every one of them that I (or my friends) know.”

Got Shroom?

So, this guy sent me an e-mail on a dating site. And this was his main profile picture. Enticing!

What. In the hell. Is that. On his tongue. Is that mildew? No, really. I want to know. What is that? It's got to be some kind of fungus. I think I see a mushroom budding. This is just so disgusting to me I had to share. Why should I be the only one who had to have this image singed into my brain?

Of course, this wasn’t his only profile picture. He did have one of his face. And his multiple tattoos. Face tattoos, that is.

I also got an e-mail from the gentleman below and this was his profile pic:

Et tu, Unidater? I like how he clarifies "That's me.." as his caption. That's you... what? Robbing a bank? That's you mugging someone at an ATM? Shoplifting a Velcro® wallet from KMart? And this was the *only* picture on his dating profile. What kind of response do you think you're going to get with a picture like that? I'm thinking he's better off trying his hand on an inmate dating site such as http://www.conjugalharmony.com/. That's a real site, by the way. And never you mind how I know about it.

I just had to share these. People are so fucking bizarre.

An AMF Bowling Experience to Remember

I met Bachelor #10, and avid emoticon enthusiast, at the local AMF bowlery on Tuesday night. We met on match about a month ago. We exchanged yahoo IDs and would chat from time to time online. He was really slow to make actual plans though. For over a week our conversations went something like this*:

*emoticons are an approximation

Yeah. I get it. For the love already, pull the trigger. I have a goal here. Let’s get a move on. So finally one day I basically just told him that when he was done talking about going, let me know otherwise stop talking about it. So he picked a day right away.

We met and, from the very beginning, this guy was a major oversharer. I really wish I could have just slapped a tape recorder down on the bar because my memory isn’t that awesome and plus, he was throwing so much at me. There’s no way I could remember all of it.

But I’ll try. He first asked me why I was single. I answered and then, for the majority of the next 2 hours, our conversation was almost entirely dominated by him talking about himself. And he went into great detail with his stories. From making sure he named everyone at a high-school party (and sitting there, trying to recollect names of people he had forgotten), to detailing a certain kind of wrapping paper that he was crumpling up and throwing in the garbage. Really, just a lot of detail.

He talked about everything. From his ex-wife’s rectal procedure in which they scraped the inside of her anus to the fact that they never had sex and he found out she was cheating on him from his mother-in-law and it was further confirmed when he called his then-wife and she answered the phone whilst having relations with this other guy. That lead into him telling me that he hasn’t had sex in 3 years since his separation. For a guy who never gets laid, he sure talked about it a lot. He let me know that he never masturbates because he doesn’t like the feel of his own hand. He regaled me with a story about how, after a trip to Vegas where he was teased by some strippers (and turned them down), he went to the local Super Video & Variety to find products to relieve his ‘tension’. He asked the shop hand if there were any products that made it “feel like someone else was touching him.” He tried & he didn’t like it. Followed by a story about how “his friend” “did that” and skeeted in his own eye and his eye got infected. First, why would your friend tell you that? Second, what is wrong with him that this would cause an eye infection? Imagine what it would then do to a woman. And third, you’re not talking about your friend and you and I both know this.

Let’s see… he bragged a lot about all of his trips and his wealthy friends and his great job. He discussed all the financial perks he gets from his friends and the rooms he gets comped in Vegas. Also, every time he told me about a woman he dated or went out with, he always threw in how attractive they were, how they looked like Mariah Carey or a ‘young, flat-chested Marie Osmond’. Uh, he told me about the many opportunities he's had to be with women (in great detail) and how he always turns them down. He also told me that he recently (since he’s been single) went to some marriage conference called “A Weekend to Remember” so he could learn how to have a good marriage. Even though it’s pretty apparent this guy is scared shitless to get involved with anyone. But, he said that session taught him a lot and now he counsels his friends who are having marital issues. He takes them out on his boat with a cooler full of beer, they park on a sand dune and he mediates a marital counseling session. Yeah, I’m pretty sure downing cans of Milwaukee’s Best while being faced with the threat of being stranded out in the middle of some water with this guy would make me very agreeable to compromise on my marriage issues. Fast.

In a nutshell, this guy was actually a really nice person with good intentions and he had a good sense of humor. But just way too over the top for me. And, even though he tries to hide it, he has a lot of scars from his marriage. Which I don’t blame anyone for. A failed marriage or long-term relationship will do that to you. However, he was just not my cup of tea and I don’t have any intentions on going out with him again.

The next morning I got a text from him that said “I think I was out with an angel last night.” My response: “Did you go out with someone else after our date?” He responded with an LOL and the appropriate emoticon.

I know I’m a hard nut to crack and have my own fears about relationships but this is just not a person I would want to pursue anything with. But he might be good for one of my friends though. Maybe that could be my next gig; setting women I know up with some of the guys I’ve “fielded” for them. Expect some e-mails from me, ladies.

Champagne Wishes and Groupon Dreams

I met Bachelor #9 at a social gathering a friend of mine had a couple months ago. He was a really funny guy so I was pleasantly surprised when he asked to hang out beyond facebook last week. We discussed meeting for beer and, when I accepted, he informed me that I also qualified for him to use one of his Groupons on me. Sold.

I had been out of town last weekend so we decided to meet Sunday night when I was back. That being said, it turns out I was on the tail end of a weekend full of him partying. And, evidentially, hearty. He told me he was hung over and in bed most of the day. He yawned a lot and so, at times, I felt like I was boring the shit out of him. Although now that I think of it, I don’t necessarily yawn when I’m bored. He did actually apologize for yawning so much and jokingly suggested that I may want to spice up the conversation so that he wouldn't have to keep doing that. It was a nice dinner, I got to eat at a restaurant that I’ve wanted to try for a while and I had a couple beers which didn’t suck. The conversation was pretty good too. Despite being hung over, tired and/or bored, he was still funny and he’s a nice guy. Overall, it was a good date and I have no complaints. He knows about my blog so I have to be nice here. (I kid) I offered to give him blog immunity but he told me he likes reading about himself so that wasn’t necessary. But really, even if he wasn’t going to read my review of our date I have nothing negative to say about him. Despite his private urge to, he didn’t wear Crocs, he made me laugh and he used a Groupon on me. What more could a girl ask for? My only suggestion is that he may want to down a few 5-Hour Energy drinks or snort a line of coke before he goes on a date again when he’s hung over and sleepy.

I have a tentative date tonight with a guy who uses a lot (a lot) of emoticons in his messages. We're supposed to go bowling. Coincidentally, my cousin will be playing in a league there at the same time. I might have a co-writer for my next blog post. I wonder which of these emoticons will best describe my post-date wrap up...

Steaming Turd of the Day

So, one of my favorite web sites features a “Hot Slut of the Day” every day which pretty much features some of the world's most outstanding F-list celebrities and general hot messes. This inspired me to steal his idea and occasionally put the spotlight on some of the turdish profiles or e-mails that I get from online dating sites on a regular basis. They are plentiful and, since these gentlemen spent so much time on their profiles, why should they not get the recognition they deserve? May I present to you today’s Steaming Turd of the Day…

Today’s STOTD is Dennis from Milwaukee. He likes road bikes, art, drawing, painting, baking, swimming, camping and running. Wow does he sound like a catch! His profile starts out with…

“Picture This!!! You have spent countless hours searching for him. You join on-line dating sites, going out with friends who set you up on blind dates, searching Craigslist, Yahoo Personals, Match and every other site you can think of everyday trying to find the right one. But you have not found him.” My, he certainly does paint a picture. But he loves drawing so that should come as no surprise. And yes, that’s how I spend countless hours every day. Trolling the internets looking for the man of my dreams. Also, let’s just address the elephant in the room… who goes on craigslist looking for their soul mate? Yeah, if you want to get your swirl on with a prostitute, then that site is prefect. But really… craigslist? Moving on.

“In he walks, searching the same places you do but your paths never crossed. He is tall with beautiful brown eyes and a wonderful smile. Simple but sophisticated, successful, outgoing, laughs at all your jokes and makes you laugh. He is spontaneous, adventurous and has a passion for travel. He has a heart of gold and does not let the little stuff bother him. He is a friend, a lover and a shoulder to lean on when you need it.” “He sends you a card just to let you know he is thinking of you, he send flowers for no reason, he calls just to say hello. As the day’s move on you learn about each other, you learn about all the passions he and you hold in your hearts. You learn to dream with him and your dreams include him as his include you. Today the search has ended and a new life has begun…… “

Check, please!! I’m in love! But wait, there’s more…

He continues to fill his profile with flowery masturbatorial bullshit and even features a love poem. I would include it but it is just so fucking lame. I mean romantic. It’s super romantic and I have fallen for him hook, line and sinker. I feel as though if I’ve fallen in love with him before I've even met him. It’s kismet. We’re meant to be, I just know it! He contacted me, I’ve read his tender words of beauty filled with sincerity and love. It’s time to make the next move.

As I read on, his profile describes his perfect first date. The first date where I know we will lock eyes and, from that moment on, spend the rest of our lives enveloped in love. What is his perfect date? I can't wait to find out. Just one word but filled with so much meaning and passion:

“handjob”

That’s right. After all this lameity (it’s not a word but I’m going with it), his perfect first date is “handjob”. I thought he couldn’t have been more appealing to me. Turns out he’s not.

I usually reserve hand jobs for a 5^th date so clearly this isn't going to work. Looks like I’ll have to get back on craigslist and continue my search. So close...

About Last Wednesday...

I know I need to update this more often.

Anyway, last Wednesday I had a date planned with Bachelor #8 but I had forgotten that I had a dentist appointment right after work. No biggie since he & I weren’t supposed to meet until 7:00. Howeverrr… when I got to the appointment ‘ol dude (the Dentist) told me they’d have to numb my mouth for the procedure. I was totally not expecting that. I told him about my delicate condition (i.e. I had plans to meet a complete stranger in 2 hours) and he gave me the option to reschedule. But I figured good oral health is more important than a date. I texted B#8 and told him I’d let him know how I felt about meeting out later when I was done. Fast forward 30 minutes and I was out the door. I couldn’t feel most of the right side of my mouth but I could still talk so I decided to proceed. I really want to get to the 1/3 mark soon. Anyway, he was very nice about everything and said that he’d drool with me if need be and we kept our plans.

I actually don’t have anything negative to say about this guy. He was really funny and smart. He said “Let’s talk about politics.” which I love doing. We discussed religion, morality, Three’s Company and past relationships. It was a really interesting conversation and he was generally a really nice guy. He wasn’t wearing Crocs, he had a button-up shirt on and didn’t overshare about the health of his cats. All in all, one of my better dates.

We kept in contact throughout the week and yesterday hung out and watched the Packers game together. They’re now 7-0. what whaaat? Anyway, when I got to his place to watch the game he greeted me at the door with……. Crocs. He. Was wearing Crocs. Yeah, I hear they’re very comfortable and hypoallergenic. But I don’t give a fuck. They’re visual assault. He wore them intentionally because we had discussed at some point in the week how much I hate them. It was amusing but that doesn’t deter from the fact that he actually does own a pair. I suppose if he & I keep talking it might be something I can overlook. And by overlook I mean burn.

But it’s too early to tell what will happen so in the meantime, I’m lining up some other things.

GO PACK!

Nein Knackwurst

I went on a second date with Birkenstocks last weekend. We met out for drinks. It was fine. We had great conversation and generally a fun time. He did bring up some of the fine products that come from Germany: Mercedes-Benz, some fancy knife thing and yes, of course, Birkenstocks. I’m willing to bet this guy likes him some David Hasselhoff. Since this is a short blog post, I’ll insert a picture here:

There’s really not much else to say about it. Overall, it was a pretty good date. Howeverrrrr…. when we walked out I went in for the handshake/hug. It was so awk. I literally said “Uh, what are we doing here?” That’s when he mauled me like a fucking grizzly just coming out of hibernation. Or something unwelcome and aggressive. He asked me to drive him to his car and I said yes. (Yeah, I know.) When I dropped him off it was wash, rinse, repeat. Additional mauling. I informed him to put back anything he had taken out and be on his way since that was really more of a third date thing. Which will not be happening. He texted me a couple days later saying that he hoped I had a good weekend. It was great, thanks. My tongue had to undergo some minor reconstructive surgery but we’re all better now.

That’s about all I have to write about. Things were slowing down for me for a bit there but now they’re picking up again. I don’t have anything planned except for a date tonight. This one is with a guy who 5’ 6”. A friend of mine came over to my desk this morning and asked to see his profile. She went over it with a fine tooth comb and said to me in a very serious way: “O.K. See here? Now, he’s short so be prepared for that.” Like I was about to walk into a situation where he had a goiter on his face. It was pretty humorous. I hadn’t noticed that about him and it’s really not an issue for me. I’m less than 5’ 3” myself. But it did spark a heated (not really though) facebook debate on whether or not I should wear the 5” platform shoes I was planning on wearing. I will. Things seem to be working out well for Casey and Jean Kasem. Why mess with a good thing?

Wham! Bam! No Thank You, Ma'am.

Last night we went speed dating. Where to start? wow. What a bunch of losers. I'm (partially) kidding. It was a very interesting experience though. When we got there everyone awkwardly waited around in this little bar area. We all knew we were there for the same reason. Trying not to make uncomfortable eye contact juuust yet. Save that awkwardness for when it starts! Eventually we were ushered into the table area. Let the games begin.

The first guy was a trial attorney who was sweating pro-fusely. If he sweats this much at a relatively casual social function then imagine what he must be like during a trial. Bring an umbrella.

The next guy was visibly uncozy too. It was fairly obvious to me that he had a list of questions that he had pre-planned. Which, actually, isn’t the worst idea if conversation isn’t flowing.

The first thing the third guy said to me was “Toby? The only Tobys I’ve ever met were men.” Uh… okay. He was really awk with a splash of creepy. He also had a completely brown thumb nail that distracted me. With almost every single guy I could easily talk to them for the allotted 6 minutes. With this one, it was a stretch. He told me about his recent move & how he was randomly finding things in boxes that weren’t marked correctly. Can you believe that? Don’t stop. Tell me more! He said “You won’t even *believe* what I found in my suitcase!” I was thinking “That dead hooker you misplaced?” But no. His TOOTHPASTE!! o.m.g. Wild and wacky stuff. And I just remembered this nugget: he told me how he'd done speed dating once before but that time it was at the Greater Milwaukee Auto Show. And instead of moving from table to table they went from car to car. Isn't that a hoot? Next, already.

Let’s see… there was a guy from Jordan who was wearing an extremely tight Abercrombie polo. He told me he was 34. He told my friend he was 33. Actual age? I’m guessing somewhere in his early 40s. He asked me if I wanted any more kids. I gave that a resounding hell to the no. I asked him if he wanted kids and he said “I don’t know. I don’t really think about it much.” However, when comparing notes with one of my friends who I dragged along for the ride, she said he told her he wanted at least 1 kid, maybe 2. Just goes to show, people will tell you whatever they think you want to hear. We don’t know each other. If you want kids, you want kids. Why lie about something like that? It’s not like there’s a wedding officiant waiting in the wings who is ready to marry us as soon as the speed dating event planner gives a nod of the head.

There was a guy from the Ukraine who totally looked like a 5’ 8” elf, there was a very heavy mouth breather in a corduroy blazer and turtleneck who said “um” approximately, um, 100 times in the 6 minutes, a guy who made the point to inform me that he owns the #1 largest used motorcycle dealership in the U.S. Congratulations on all your success, guy. Why are you here? But really, almost all of these guys were nice people though. Some creeps, some norms. Just like in real life.

So, at the end of the night you mark who you are interested in and who you never want to see again ever in your life. Then the event planner tallies everything up & e-mails us the results. Out of the 9 guys, 5 expressed interest. Out of the 5 that expressed interest, I’d maybe go out with 1.

But, no matter what, I have to give everyone propers who got out there to experience this. It can be fairly awkward; for some more than others. But they went beyond their comfort zone to meet new people so I have to give them credit for that. And thank you to my girls who came with me on this jaunt. And thanks to my other girls who met us out afterwards for the brutal post-game bashing.

Let’s do this again…

Excuse me, sir... which way to Bethlehem?

I’m way behind in this blog. I’ve had 2 dates since my last post & haven’t written shit. I knew I wouldn’t have much to say about Bachelor #5 because, well, there’s not much to write. He’s a nice guy. Conversation was pleasant. He wasn’t at all weird but he was pretty reserved. Aesthetically he’s not my type but he’s really nice. The margarita was good as was the chimichanga. And that’s not a euphemism. It was a fine date with a nice guy who, basically, isn’t my type. Not much else to say.

I met Bachelor #6 at yet another Mexican restaurant. My third visit to one in 5 days. Here’s one thing I’ve learned since this experience started: men like enchiladas. But anyhoo, this guy was also very nice. Not overbearing or douchey at all. Again, in the looks department he’s not what I’d go for but I’m sure these guys aren’t all looking at me like I’m the next Kathy Ireland. He actually looked like Dana Carvey now that I think of it. Anyhoo, we met, he ordered a beer and I got a margarita. We chatted. He ordered another beer. And then another. And then another. I got a second margarita and he ordered another beer. And then he ordered another beer. Seriously this guy probably had 10 beers in the 2 hours we were talking. But that wasn’t the shocking part. At one point, he got up to use el baño when what to my wondering eyes should appear? Jerusalem Cruisers. Birkenstocks. (Cue record scratch sound effect.) Not an attractive shoe especially for October weather. At least he wasn’t wearing socks with them? Anyway, regardless of that, he is a really nice guy, has a good job, owns his own home, totally stable. A refreshing change. I can take him shopping for better footwear so that's not a deal breaker. So far this is the first guy I’d consider going out with a second time. But I’ll have to keep my eye on that cerveza intake.

Really, uneventful dates. Which is probably why I procrastinated for so long writing about them. Ho hum.

Tonight, however, is the speed dating adventure. I cannot wait to see what this is going to be like. Honestly, I have no idea who would actually do a speed dating event. I mean, yeah I’m doing it but only for the sake of “research”. Yeah, research. I’m guessing there’s going to be a lot of cheezeballs which will be fun observe. And also, I’m totally counting this as a date so it’s going towards my goal of 30. Bachelors #7, here I come. Wear your fancy Birkenstocks.

A Piping Hot Cup of WTF?

Snooki. Carrot Top. Chriss Angel. Greg Giraldo.  Just to name a few. Of the names Bachelor #4 dropped on our coffee date last night. And for good reason. He has Carrot Top and Chriss Angel’s managers' phone numbers saved on his phone! On his phone!! He can call them any time he wants. So, if anyone has a block party coming up and you have an extra $780 in the budget, this guy can probably help book them for your party.

But now that I’ve got you fully intrigued and probably checking your savings account for your available balance, let me start from the beginning. I had been e-mailing this guy on & off for a couple weeks. Again, seemed pretty normal. But that’s easy to do in a controlled environment. aka e-mails and texts. People have time to think about what they want to say in those venues. But you really get to know someone when you meet them in person and the shit just starts flying out of their mouth. So, after we meet and I PAY FOR MY OWN HOT CHOCOLATE, we sit down. He almost immediately starts telling me his entire life story. How he’s been moving around the country for the past several years to stay employed, how his wife told him she wanted a divorce 2 weeks after he finally moved back in with her and their kid, how he pulled a 1-8-7 on his wedding ring with a shotgun. You know, the usual. Obviously he also threw in the extremely famous F-list celebrities he had the pleasure to meet when he worked in Vegas. Just in case you forgot…

I found out that he & his old lady were just recently separated. This guy is smart to put himself on a dating site right away. It’s always good to seek out a potential new relationship when the pain of a failed marriage is still fresh. Oh, and also when you’re 38 and living with your mother. Additionally, he told me that he tried the stand-up comedy career for a while. Now I get why he was unemployed. He was very over-the-top with his mannerisms and punch lines (if you can call them that). He also started chatting me up about cocaine. Super normal first date conversation. He’s like “You know you’re hooked when the white lines of the football game you’re watching on TV start looking good.” LOLOLOLOLOL. And then there was the guaranteed laughable “I don’t do cocaine. I just like the smell of it.” Well, that one actually did make me laugh. He was cheezy and gross and divulged tmi.

So, just to backtrack a bit, when we made these plans he asked what my schedule was. I told him I was free for lunch or dinner on Saturday. To which he said “I’ll see your Saturday and raise you coffee tonight.” Uh, o.k. I took that to mean let’s meet for coffee instead of meeting on Saturday which was fine with me. So when the date was over he said "I had a great time. I’d really like to see you again.” I was like “Yeah, sure.” I mean, what am I supposed to say on the spot? He suggested Saturday. I told him that I thought he meant tonight instead of Saturday & that I had already made plans. He was like “Wow. You’re blowing me off already?” Well, get used to it guy because I sense that will be a pattern here as long as you keep asking to hang out with me. At least until I outright tell him I’m not interested which I will always do with someone. I keeps it real but in a nice way.

Needless to say, he followed up by sending me some random texts about blowing him off which were annoying but then added me as a “Favorite” on the site we met on. I wonder how long until I lose that prestige.

Bachelor #5 is tonight and #6 on Thursday. I wonder if any of these men will have the connections that last night’s date had. I’d really love to have Alfonso Ribeiro show up at my next birthday party and teach all my friends these amazing dance moves!

10% Completion (Read that in a computerized robot voice)

Bachelor # 2 was with a guy who was I had been texting with for about a week & a half or so. He was really funny & quick-witted so I thought it would be a good time. He had told me the day before our date that he had a tooth pulled that day so I was surprised he didn’t cancel. I probably would have. Anyway, I get to the restaurant/bar at the appointed time and saw him. He was a shawtie which is fine because so am I. However, I had some 5” heels on so I was about his height. But looking at him, I couldn’t help but think “I bet this is what it would look like if Chaz Bono & Dennis the Mennace mated.” He had on a button-down shirt that was way too big on him plus he was wearing a backwards baseball hat and jelly bracelets. Really? You’re 35 years old and you’re on a date, guy.

Of course, this is probably what he’s most comfortable with and this is who he is so far be it for me to judge him. Just kidding. I’m going to judge him. But just not harshly because I’m really nice like that. I suppose it’s fine. It’s just not my cup ‘o tea. Anyway, I get there and he almost immediately tells me that he’s hopped up on the Vicodin juice and that beer he just drank did not help the situation. He informed me that his dentist told him he wasn’t supposed to drink for several days. By this time he was already on his second beer (we were still just even waiting for our table, mind you.) and then the bartender gives us a complimentary shot of gin. So we finally sit down to dinner and I don’t know if he was just so out of it or what but it was like pulling teeth (I guess this is a theme) to make conversation with this guy. Also, we were at a restaurant with a(n awesome) polka band playing at full blast so it was hard to have conversation anyway. It just surprised me because he was so interesting on the celly and kind of a dud in person. But I know there could be a few factors at play. First dates are never awesome in the beginning, he probably wasn’t feeling well just having had a tooth pulled and then probably the biggest factor was that he was cranked out on prescription meds and alcohol. Eventually, I was able to extract some conversation from him. Thankfully or I would have never known that he’s been wearing the same pair of shoes almost every day for the past 7 (seven) years. He’s had them re-soled, too, so he could keep wearing them. Can you imagine how bad those smell? Also, at one point he asked me if I could take my shoes off so he could see how tall he was compared to me. He’s a guy with height issues. So, we got through dinner and hung out talking for a bit until they kicked us out. He told me he wasn’t feeling well and asked if I’d drive him home. I was on my couch and watching my stories by 10:45.

I met Bachelor #3 out for dinner last night. He was driving a monster truck. Need I say more? o.k. I will. Like Friday night’s date he was also very nice but horrible in the conversation department. I tried to ask a bunch of questions to get him to talk but he didn’t elaborate much. I also found out that he has only been divorced for a month and that he & his ex-wife are “best friendzzzz". How nice. But I know what that means. My ex-husband was one of my “best friends” for a while too. wink wink. And maybe that’s not the case here, but I follow my intuitions and they’re usually right. We finished up dinner, he gave me a hug and walked to his monster truck. I sat in my car for a minute checking my phone. As he drove away in his monster truck he revved his engine and, at the same time, stole a piece of my heart. Git ‘r done!!

As a side note, I haven’t seen Bachelor #1 since our first date. I suspected he was somewhat of a player and my suspicions were confirmed so I just keep on keepin’ on.