Last night we went speed dating. Where to start? wow. What a bunch of losers. I'm (partially) kidding. It was a very interesting experience though. When we got there everyone awkwardly waited around in this little bar area. We all knew we were there for the same reason. Trying not to make uncomfortable eye contact juuust yet. Save that awkwardness for when it starts! Eventually we were ushered into the table area. Let the games begin.
The first guy was a trial attorney who was sweating pro-fusely. If he sweats this much at a relatively casual social function then imagine what he must be like during a trial. Bring an umbrella.
The next guy was visibly uncozy too. It was fairly obvious to me that he had a list of questions that he had pre-planned. Which, actually, isn’t the worst idea if conversation isn’t flowing.
The first thing the third guy said to me was “Toby? The only Tobys I’ve ever met were men.” Uh… okay. He was really awk with a splash of creepy. He also had a completely brown thumb nail that distracted me. With almost every single guy I could easily talk to them for the allotted 6 minutes. With this one, it was a stretch. He told me about his recent move & how he was randomly finding things in boxes that weren’t marked correctly. Can you believe that? Don’t stop. Tell me more! He said “You won’t even *believe* what I found in my suitcase!” I was thinking “That dead hooker you misplaced?” But no. His TOOTHPASTE!! o.m.g. Wild and wacky stuff. And I just remembered this nugget: he told me how he'd done speed dating once before but that time it was at the Greater Milwaukee Auto Show. And instead of moving from table to table they went from car to car. Isn't that a hoot? Next, already.
Let’s see… there was a guy from Jordan who was wearing an extremely tight Abercrombie polo. He told me he was 34. He told my friend he was 33. Actual age? I’m guessing somewhere in his early 40s. He asked me if I wanted any more kids. I gave that a resounding hell to the no. I asked him if he wanted kids and he said “I don’t know. I don’t really think about it much.” However, when comparing notes with one of my friends who I dragged along for the ride, she said he told her he wanted at least 1 kid, maybe 2. Just goes to show, people will tell you whatever they think you want to hear. We don’t know each other. If you want kids, you want kids. Why lie about something like that? It’s not like there’s a wedding officiant waiting in the wings who is ready to marry us as soon as the speed dating event planner gives a nod of the head.
There was a guy from the Ukraine who totally looked like a 5’ 8” elf, there was a very heavy mouth breather in a corduroy blazer and turtleneck who said “um” approximately, um, 100 times in the 6 minutes, a guy who made the point to inform me that he owns the #1 largest used motorcycle dealership in the U.S. Congratulations on all your success, guy. Why are you here? But really, almost all of these guys were nice people though. Some creeps, some norms. Just like in real life.
So, at the end of the night you mark who you are interested in and who you never want to see again ever in your life. Then the event planner tallies everything up & e-mails us the results. Out of the 9 guys, 5 expressed interest. Out of the 5 that expressed interest, I’d maybe go out with 1.
But, no matter what, I have to give everyone propers who got out there to experience this. It can be fairly awkward; for some more than others. But they went beyond their comfort zone to meet new people so I have to give them credit for that. And thank you to my girls who came with me on this jaunt. And thanks to my other girls who met us out afterwards for the brutal post-game bashing.
Let’s do this again…
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