A Piping Hot Cup of WTF?

Snooki. Carrot Top. Chriss Angel. Greg Giraldo.  Just to name a few. Of the names Bachelor #4 dropped on our coffee date last night. And for good reason. He has Carrot Top and Chriss Angel’s managers' phone numbers saved on his phone! On his phone!! He can call them any time he wants. So, if anyone has a block party coming up and you have an extra $780 in the budget, this guy can probably help book them for your party.

But now that I’ve got you fully intrigued and probably checking your savings account for your available balance, let me start from the beginning. I had been e-mailing this guy on & off for a couple weeks. Again, seemed pretty normal. But that’s easy to do in a controlled environment. aka e-mails and texts. People have time to think about what they want to say in those venues. But you really get to know someone when you meet them in person and the shit just starts flying out of their mouth. So, after we meet and I PAY FOR MY OWN HOT CHOCOLATE, we sit down. He almost immediately starts telling me his entire life story. How he’s been moving around the country for the past several years to stay employed, how his wife told him she wanted a divorce 2 weeks after he finally moved back in with her and their kid, how he pulled a 1-8-7 on his wedding ring with a shotgun. You know, the usual. Obviously he also threw in the extremely famous F-list celebrities he had the pleasure to meet when he worked in Vegas. Just in case you forgot…

I found out that he & his old lady were just recently separated. This guy is smart to put himself on a dating site right away. It’s always good to seek out a potential new relationship when the pain of a failed marriage is still fresh. Oh, and also when you’re 38 and living with your mother. Additionally, he told me that he tried the stand-up comedy career for a while. Now I get why he was unemployed. He was very over-the-top with his mannerisms and punch lines (if you can call them that). He also started chatting me up about cocaine. Super normal first date conversation. He’s like “You know you’re hooked when the white lines of the football game you’re watching on TV start looking good.” LOLOLOLOLOL. And then there was the guaranteed laughable “I don’t do cocaine. I just like the smell of it.” Well, that one actually did make me laugh. He was cheezy and gross and divulged tmi.

So, just to backtrack a bit, when we made these plans he asked what my schedule was. I told him I was free for lunch or dinner on Saturday. To which he said “I’ll see your Saturday and raise you coffee tonight.” Uh, o.k. I took that to mean let’s meet for coffee instead of meeting on Saturday which was fine with me. So when the date was over he said "I had a great time. I’d really like to see you again.” I was like “Yeah, sure.” I mean, what am I supposed to say on the spot? He suggested Saturday. I told him that I thought he meant tonight instead of Saturday & that I had already made plans. He was like “Wow. You’re blowing me off already?” Well, get used to it guy because I sense that will be a pattern here as long as you keep asking to hang out with me. At least until I outright tell him I’m not interested which I will always do with someone. I keeps it real but in a nice way.

Needless to say, he followed up by sending me some random texts about blowing him off which were annoying but then added me as a “Favorite” on the site we met on. I wonder how long until I lose that prestige.

Bachelor #5 is tonight and #6 on Thursday. I wonder if any of these men will have the connections that last night’s date had. I’d really love to have Alfonso Ribeiro show up at my next birthday party and teach all my friends these amazing dance moves!