I met Bachelor #10, and avid emoticon enthusiast, at the local AMF bowlery on Tuesday night. We met on match about a month ago. We exchanged yahoo IDs and would chat from time to time online. He was really slow to make actual plans though. For over a week our conversations went something like this*:
*emoticons are an approximation
Yeah. I get it. For the love already, pull the trigger. I have a goal here. Let’s get a move on. So finally one day I basically just told him that when he was done talking about going, let me know otherwise stop talking about it. So he picked a day right away.
We met and, from the very beginning, this guy was a major oversharer. I really wish I could have just slapped a tape recorder down on the bar because my memory isn’t that awesome and plus, he was throwing so much at me. There’s no way I could remember all of it.
But I’ll try. He first asked me why I was single. I answered and then, for the majority of the next 2 hours, our conversation was almost entirely dominated by him talking about himself. And he went into great detail with his stories. From making sure he named everyone at a high-school party (and sitting there, trying to recollect names of people he had forgotten), to detailing a certain kind of wrapping paper that he was crumpling up and throwing in the garbage. Really, just a lot of detail.
He talked about everything. From his ex-wife’s rectal procedure in which they scraped the inside of her anus to the fact that they never had sex and he found out she was cheating on him from his mother-in-law and it was further confirmed when he called his then-wife and she answered the phone whilst having relations with this other guy. That lead into him telling me that he hasn’t had sex in 3 years since his separation. For a guy who never gets laid, he sure talked about it a lot. He let me know that he never masturbates because he doesn’t like the feel of his own hand. He regaled me with a story about how, after a trip to Vegas where he was teased by some strippers (and turned them down), he went to the local Super Video & Variety to find products to relieve his ‘tension’. He asked the shop hand if there were any products that made it “feel like someone else was touching him.” He tried & he didn’t like it. Followed by a story about how “his friend” “did that” and skeeted in his own eye and his eye got infected. First, why would your friend tell you that? Second, what is wrong with him that this would cause an eye infection? Imagine what it would then do to a woman. And third, you’re not talking about your friend and you and I both know this.
Let’s see… he bragged a lot about all of his trips and his wealthy friends and his great job. He discussed all the financial perks he gets from his friends and the rooms he gets comped in Vegas. Also, every time he told me about a woman he dated or went out with, he always threw in how attractive they were, how they looked like Mariah Carey or a ‘young, flat-chested Marie Osmond’. Uh, he told me about the many opportunities he's had to be with women (in great detail) and how he always turns them down. He also told me that he recently (since he’s been single) went to some marriage conference called “A Weekend to Remember” so he could learn how to have a good marriage. Even though it’s pretty apparent this guy is scared shitless to get involved with anyone. But, he said that session taught him a lot and now he counsels his friends who are having marital issues. He takes them out on his boat with a cooler full of beer, they park on a sand dune and he mediates a marital counseling session. Yeah, I’m pretty sure downing cans of Milwaukee’s Best while being faced with the threat of being stranded out in the middle of some water with this guy would make me very agreeable to compromise on my marriage issues. Fast.
In a nutshell, this guy was actually a really nice person with good intentions and he had a good sense of humor. But just way too over the top for me. And, even though he tries to hide it, he has a lot of scars from his marriage. Which I don’t blame anyone for. A failed marriage or long-term relationship will do that to you. However, he was just not my cup of tea and I don’t have any intentions on going out with him again.
The next morning I got a text from him that said “I think I was out with an angel last night.” My response: “Did you go out with someone else after our date?” He responded with an LOL and the appropriate emoticon.
I know I’m a hard nut to crack and have my own fears about relationships but this is just not a person I would want to pursue anything with. But he might be good for one of my friends though. Maybe that could be my next gig; setting women I know up with some of the guys I’ve “fielded” for them. Expect some e-mails from me, ladies.
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