Goodnight Goon

Guys like to take pictures of themselves in bed. I guess they're trying to give us lucky ladies a sneak peek at what we could be waking up to after 5 raspberry long islands and 7 shots of Wild Turkey. Anyway, this is my partially plagiarized bedtime story for them.

Goodnight goon

Goodnight goon

 Goodnight guy sleeping outside under the moon

Goodnight puka shell necklace and goodnight kitten

Goodnight to this gent with whom you'll be smitten (But probably not)

Goodnight pillow and goodnight frosted tips

Goodnight trophy from 2006

Goodnight fleas that live in pet hair

Goodnight creepers everywhere

"I am bored with normal women, I am ready for an evil psycho to use me and ruin my life. It just sounds like fun to me to be made to do evil things to make you happy and to support you in every way. Use me for my money, and if I dont earn enough money, make me rob banks for you, and if that isnt enough, make me do whatever you want because quite frankly, this world while beautiful and awesome, its just to the point where I am bored with it. I have done everything I wanted to do, its time to do whatever it takes to make someone else happy, but not lame boring happy, I want to do weird and evil stuff to make you happy which would then make me happy. I am just tired of it all and honestly, the right woman can use that to her advantage, I wish you would, because this sucks!" - That Guy

I Did It! 30 Bachelors!

My last bachelor of the blog. Hizzah! And remember all those nice things that Vanessa Williams sang about in "Save The Best For Last"? Yeah, well Vanessa's a damn dirty liar. Unless the topic of "cat eye herpes" is something that you're particularly interested in talking about - especially within the first 7 minutes of meeting someone. How about hearing more about that cat with eye herpes having its eye removed and rubbing it's sewn up eye socket on your arm? Can I get a show of hands for who wishes they were in on this conversation? Nobody? That's what I thought. This guy was an odd duck. Let's see... he's an avid game show fan. In fact, he has applied for almost 30 game shows. He did go to a Wheel of Fortune audition once when it was in Waukesha but didn't make the cut. He had a Skype interview in the works for some game show that's going to be airing in the next few months on a major television network. By the way, all the contestants Skype in for the actual game show too. Very cost-effective. You know, in this economy... I guess it's a show where average Americans are given topics and talk about their opinions. I'm sure it will be a light-hearted romp into the American psyche on important topics affecting U.S. citizens like the collapse of the banking industry, the issues with our educational system and cranial feline herpes. I'm looking forward to that. Especially if Bach #30 gets on that show.

What else? In addition to the random "woo hoo" he'd blurt out, he told me the story of how he used to live in a very small town. Well one night, just 2 short days after his wife of 7 years moved out, some random lady knocked on his door at 9:30 at night to introduce herself. They immediately started to date and he moved her and her and the 4 kids she had with 3 ex-husbands in shortly thereafter. So there were 7 kids in his house with 2 parents that had 5 exes between them. I bet this guy plays a mean jug. He told me that one of her ex-husbands (who was still technically her husband because they weren't divorced yet.) used to ask him if he's having fun fucking his wife. Sounds like fun. He also did some super awkward impersonations of people where, apparently, they all had buck teeth so every impression had an overbite.

Oh, let me just say that he & I met for coffee after work. He warned me right away that he is hyper-sensitive to caffeine. So I guess it was an awesome idea to take a first date out for coffee. Anyway, that proved to be the case fairly quickly because he got super jittery and weird(er) after about a half hour. He started looking around really paranoid-like when he was telling stories. Like if he was telling a story about his ex-wife, he'd look around to make sure she wasn't there. But there were only about 4 people at the Starbucks and I'm quite sure he would have noticed if the mother of his kids whom he lived with for 7 years was sitting there sipping a latte. He also started frantically sipping his drink every 10 seconds or so. It was just super odd. Anyway, fortunately I had plans that I had to get to and he knew that so that was a good reason to pull this:

So with that, he refilled his caffeinated beverage (because he apparently wasn't jacked up enough on the caffeine) and we bid adieu. I left there grateful to be done with this date and even more pleased that I will not be subjecting myself to any other date again for a long, long time. But I am glad that I did see this thing through and I learned a lot from this experience. I've probably got another post or two in me though. You know, like cat eye herpes, I just won't go away. me-ow!

When In Doubt, Talk About Dead Things

Bachelor #29 and I corresponded via internets and then spoke on the phone. He was very nice. We made arrangements to have lunch and let me pick where I wanted to go. Which meant no Mexican. He wore his fanciest adidas soccer sandals on the date. He spoke for the better part of 2 hours and didn't ask me anything about myself. We left. It's a wrap.

My date could have taken a queue from David here. He doesn't want to talk about himself. He wants to conversate our brains out, Aquarian goddesses.

The phenomenon of not asking someone - more specifically, me - anything about themselves - more specifically, myself - is quite prevalent among the dating community. I've probably mentioned this many times before. From my experience it's because a guy is is either completely self-absorbed and/or oblivious or because they are inexperienced daters or just nervous. It was really apparent that this guy was not the former. I was his first first date in probably 2 1/2  or so years so (he just got out of a 2-year relationship a few months ago) and I think he was just trying to avoid awkward silences. He was really nice and I could tell he wasn't a douche bag so, while I was a little put off, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Lord knows I need people to do that for me on a daily basis. I wasn't attracted to him, per say, but he did have a nice voice so if I had to listen to his stories for 2 hours, that helped. Anyway, because he seemed like a decent guy, I decided to go out with him again when he asked. I didn't want to write him off immediately and I figured I'd use this second date to gauge what my interest level was. We met for lunch and I guess he had told me everything he wanted to tell me on our first date because the conversation this time around was sparse. On this second excursion, we (he) discussed a plumbing repair he was making and that he needed to pick his bow up from the repair shoppe. I felt like we were an old ass boring couple sitting around Shady Pines watching Jeopardy that had nothing interesting to talk about anymore. Except that we never really had anything interesting to talk about ever. He & I never once discussed anything of substance like politics or which fictional TV planet was the best: Ork or Melmac. (The correct answer is Melmac.) I felt obligated to at least try to earn my salad so I wracked my brain to create conversation. I knew he like to kill things with a bow and arrow so at one point I asked him what part of the deer to hit with an arrow to kill it faster. That's what this date's topics had been reduced to. For the record, it's somewhere by the back of the something or other. Where the heart is. Even though I asked I apparently didn't pay a lot of attention to the answer. I think somebody walked past the window with a sequin shirt or something and I got distracted. Sparkly... Actually, what I truly got distracted by was him answering his phone for the second time in 20 minutes. Also, where to shoot an animal with a stick is not something I'll ever need to know. ooh... how ironic would it be if I some day I get lost in the forest and needed to kill a deer for survival? Boy would I feel like a jack ass for not having paid attention.

Scratch that. I just googled "deer anatomy" and I'm fine. And now you all are too. Happy hiking!

Anyway, we're just two really different people. And different can be a great thing if you both have things to talk about and find one another intriguing. But I just do not have any inclination to get to know him more.

So once again Cupid's arrow was a draw and a miss. But at least I have learned something new. If I'm ever confronted by a rabid Bambi, I'll know just where to stab it. I guess now I should start carrying a Swiss Army knife with me at all times. In hindsight, that's probably something I should have been doing for this entire date-a-thon. Although its probably best for some of these turds I've been out with that I wasn't.

Tor-sooooo Hot

On any given day trolling a dating site I will see more torsos than I've seen in person in my life. Men seem to love the strategy of luring us unsuspecting females into their den of inequity by dangling this fleshy carrot in front of our faces. heh... fleshy carrot. But golly gee this strategy is a solid one. 100% of the time I see someone's belly button I think "I can't wait until I can sip on mai tais with the rest of that body." So let’s tiptoe trough the torsos, shall we?. (That sounds so serial killer. But I think that's why I like it.)

Oh, and before I begin, people always ask where I find these pictures. I just want to let everyone know that these are all *local* guys that I see on the dating sites. All within my distance and age range. In a nutshell, this is the shit show from which I have to choose from.

Now that we've got that out of the way, let's start with Torso #1. No fuss, no muss. He's got an inney. Just your average every day torso that you took a picture of to post on your dating profile. Kewl.

Oh look, more mid-section! This one has gotten a little artistic with his body shot. The flash makes it look like his head is exploding. If only...

Keepin' it casual. Just leaning against the door holding my camera telephone. No biggie. But, yeah, I spent the last 4 hours plucking my nipples for this shoot.

Oh and by the way, this guy also gives you a back option sponsored by Z. Cavaricci lest you haven't fallen in love with the front:

There's this...

Just in case you missed that:

Nine teen fucking ninety? I believe that's like 22 years ago? I find it quite amusing that 'ol dude is posting a picture of what he looked like in his hay day. I wouldn't have the nerve to post a pic now of what I looked like when I was in my early 20s. Because I do not look like that anymore so it's a moot point. Also, he does not look like this anymore. But at least he did have some sense to post current pictures. Not all men give us ladies the courtesy of posting relatively recent images of themselves. Or pictures of themselves at all. Like the guy who has this as his dating profile image:

Yes, Rocky n Adrian... we should all be so lucky to find a love like theirs. Or to be able to run up all those steps like Rocky! I never actually saw that movie but those have always been my take-aways.

International Fail catalog? I'm ready for my close-up.

What the... how'd this one get in here? Just some guy pressing his ass up to the bathroom mirror to really entice the ladies. And I guess you do get some side boob/torso. Back that thang up and give me yo numba!

This guy likes to mess around at the gym. Oh, and sometimes people just so happen to take his picture as he's taking his shirt off. I can only imagine the fun they have in the showers!

This particular torso is precious because he's clearly snapping this pic in a public bathroom. Either that or he's rich as fuck and able to afford hand dryers installed on his bathroom wall. Only poor people use hand towels. But what's best about this public bathroom picture is that he pulled his pants down and is holding on to them. I hope he checked the cleaning crew schedule hanging on the door before he took this chance. Very daring!! Jot this guy down as a solid "maybe".

"For those who want this pic". What about those that don't want this pic? You're really not giving us much of a choice in the matter.

If this fella loves his country as much as he loves his stomach and his mom, I think I'm in love.

More public bathroom torso shots!!! I wonder if he goes to the gym with that other guy. Maybe take one another's pictures... slap each other with towels. This torso's got its towel hung low to get your tiny imagination going, manscaping but not too much manscaping. This guy's sure to sell fast.

By far the most uncomfortable torso shot I've seen:

But if that doesn't work for you, he's also interested in bowling, sky diving & fishing.

I seriously could go on and on with this torso douche parade. Do women take gratuitous boob shots & post them? Is that the equivalent? I'm guessing so but I can't be sure. But now that you're either thoroughly disgusted or thoroughly turned on, I think I'm going to call this one a day. I'll probably do a couple thousand crunches and set the flip phone to Camera. My dating profile could use a refresher. Fuck it. I'll just go in the bathroom and take pictures of my boobs. They're just sitting here doing nothing for society. May as well put them to use.

 

Square Peg(s)

This thought became a reoccurring theme for today’s blog so let’s just cut to the chase and not pretend any longer that this song isn’t the first thing that came to your head:

And if it didn't, then I barely knew you. So on to the first, and only, order of business: Bachelor #28. Dating site… yada yada… It’s not too infrequent that I get an e-mail from someone on one of these sites. But whenever I get the notification on my flip phone, I usually just ignore it until I can get in front of a screen with more than 12 pixels so I can fully assess their tribal tattoo and/or shaker sweater situation. I was pleasantly surprised when I got an e-mail from an actual attractive person with an interesting profile that also had 0 (zero) pictures of him in front of his bathroom mirror or holding a dead turkey. Or both. We began the process of emailing and he was able to carry on a good conversation. On more than a few occasions I’ve gotten e-mails from someone who had an amusing or worth-reading profile but then they were a complete dud in real time. Which leads me to believe that they had someone with an actual personality write their profile. But this guy had a great brain and was funny. So eventually we met in person. We have opposite schedules so we agreed to meet for coffee over my lunch hour. He dressed well. He was able to talk about actual things that aren’t boring like his highest bowling score and kite flying injuries. I had a good time. The bonus was not only did I enjoy talking to him but I also liked looking at his face. A combination as rare for me as spotting a chupacabra. In my back yard. Eating a burrito. While riding a unicycle. o.k. Maybe I took things too far with the unicycle. But I think we’re all clear on this, right?

We hung out a couple more times for coffee and lunch but eventually he decided that he wasn’t interested in pursuing anything other than a friendship with me. [insert that loser horn from the previous post.] I’m used to being the diss-er and not the diss-ee so it was definitely a bruise to the ego. I felt sorry for myself for a hot minute(s) because it is so frustrating when you meet someone you dig and it just doesn’t work out. But I got over that relatively quickly. We can’t all be everyone’s cup of tea no matter how fabulous we think we are. He is certainly entitled to feel the way he does and if it doesn’t work for him then that's way-o.k. with me. I'm sure I've said this before but I don’t have any interest in putting forth effort trying to fit anybody’s square peg into my round hole. Been there. Done that. It sucks. Won't do it again. However, we did still agree to be friends and actually had a really nice lunch the day after this friendship conversation. He seems like a pretty swell guy and I could see us being franns and if that’s the best I get out of this date-a-thon (free enchiladas not withstanding) then that’s not too shabs.

I was supposed to go on a date with Bachelor #29 this past weekend. He kept suggesting we hang out at his house for the date. I resisted the urge to tell him to go fuck himself because it was evident that fucking something was what he had in mind. But instead I politely turned his offer down. So he cancelled our date entirely. Obviously that was going to be my next move anyway but he beat me to the punch. However, there is hope. I have been contacted by a guy with a gigantic wolf mural on the hood of his truck, another guy posing *in* a port-o-potty and another whose interest was listed as "drawing women". (I smell a Christmas card rendering!) I bet this is what Jesse Jackson really meant when he advised us to keep hope alive. So, my search continues finding the right guy who has the perfect round peg for my perfect round hole. 

Great [Big. Really, Really Big.] Expectations

o.k. I've kept you in suspense long enough!! Or did you forget about my cliffhanger from my last blog post 6 months or so ago? Well nevermind then. I guess that plan backfired. Like so many other things in my life... my hopes, my dreams, my attempt at wearing royal blue skinny jeans... Now, what were we talking about? Oh yes. Let's get to it.

I happened upon Bachelor #27 on a dating site - of course. He had 2 profile pictures. One was from the neck up and he was very cute. The other was of him on a snowmobile and he was dressed in all black. (This information will be useful later on in the post.) He & I e-mailed back and forth quite a few times and he was super cool and interesting. Then we took that party to the flip phone. We had quite a bit in common and had great conversation. Aside from him referring to his and my kids as "shorties" 100% of the time, there weren't too many things that were a turn off. A bigger issue was the fact that he lives about an hour & a half away. So planning a time to meet up was not particularly easy. But after a couple weeks of exchanging communication we scheduled to meet up on a Friday night. Which was rather nice of him to drive an hour & a half away right after work on a Friday. Personally I would have said "fuck that noise" and gone home to take a nap.

Now here's where things get tricky. I was really looking forward to meeting this guy so it was much to my chagrin when I walked into the restaurant and saw a guy who was approximately 400 lbs. and I'm not even fucking around. In fact, I even did a google search on what a 400 lb. man looks like and I think my assessment is pretty spot on. I don't want to sound superficial but I was totally disappointed. In a nutshell, this is what I was thinking:

I know I'm a woman with a little extra junk in ye olde trunk but this was way over the top. Also, he was wearing Birkenstock sandals and believe me when I say that the straps on those things were being tested to their limits. His pictures were totally not representative of what he brought to the table. Oh, and speaking of tables, when we sat down in a booth he literally had to shimmy the table several inches in my direction to fit in. Also, his profile said "a few extra pounds". This was more than a few. I don't want it to seem like I'm trash-talking Louie Anderson's body double here but I just was not physically attracted to someone with so much... girth. In all the wrong places. But, despite all that, I decided to make the best of it. We actually had great conversation. We discussed shorties at length and he told me about the band he's in. He said that their band wanted to do live shows but he didn't want to do that until he loses 300 lbs. Yes, he totally said that. Anyway, despite being a very big guy he was still a pretty confident person. He had a good sense of humor and was really nice. After dinner we went out for drinks and hung out until bar close. Basically, it was a good date.

So therein lies the conflict. I met this guy who I thought was pretty cool but I was nowhere near attracted to him. And it is certainly not my place to ask him to stop off at the Bariatric Treatment Center on the way home from the combination Pizza Hut/Taco Bell. I want someone to accept me for who I am; flaws and all. That's what everyone wants, really, and everyone is certainly entitled to that. This was just too much for me though. I didn't jump the gun and kick him to the curb; he and I did continue to email and text for a few weeks afterwards. But between me not being sure if I would be able to move past the weight/attraction issue and him not living very close, it just fizzled out. And I'm o.k. with that. But, in the spirit of big men, here's an awesome backwards clip of Chris Farley. Totally a guy I would have let take me out for pizza and cranberry vodkas.

I'm just really excited to be about done with this dirty thirty dating thing. I am inching my way closer and expect to wrap up in the next 2 week or so. No cliff hangers this time though. Just some good 'ol fashioned blogging! (For another 2 weeks or so.)

Up Up and Holy Shit I Couldn’t Wait To Get Away

This snippet right here should juuust about sum up my date with Bachelor #26:

This guy was a really nice person but he would *easily* score solid 10s in a dull competition. He’d probably even get some 11s and 12s. He could have just been nervous but that’s what liquor is for. So I would have assumed that the 5 PBRs he downed in a relatively short amount of time would have livened up his personality – if it, in fact, existed. Let’s get Angela Lansbury on the case. I kid… I wouldn’t want to do that to her. If she’s still alive, that is. Anyway, I tried really hard to extract conversation from him and, at times, he was able to form movements with his mouth and get words to come out. But it was not easy. He did tell me one story about how, two short years ago, he was married, owned a house and owned a semi-successful business with his best friend. But all that was lost when his wifey started spreading her love (and legs) to the best friend/business partner – and the best friend/business partner’s wife. Very sad and I felt bad for the guy. But kind of an interesting story nonetheless. Otherwise, most of the evening was spent looking around at stuff and, literally, talking about the weather. I feel like I’m pretty good at being able to engage in small talk and have the ability to schmooze with just about anyone. But this guy was making it really hard. And no, that is NOT what he said. Actually, if he had said that it would have been indication of a mild sense of humor.

Sadly, the best part (for me, at least, because I’m an asshole) was learning that he is an avid kite flyer but has not flown a kite since he fractured his rib while flying a kite a few months ago. Really? I’ve known people who have fractured ribs in snowboarding or football accidents but I’ve never heard of someone suffering an injury tossing a piece of fabric on a string into the sky.

Anyway, this date was so uncomfortable and brutal. After about an hour & a half of struggling to have a conversation he asked if I wanted to take our [world’s saddest] party to the outside patio. Actually no. I really do not. But, like an idiot, I said yes but that I had to go in about 20 minutes. I only made it 10 more minutes though. I take back that the kite flying story was the best part of the date. Me going home was the best part.

So anyhoo, I had a date with Bachelor #27 over the weekend. It was good but there's just one very large catch. But you will just have to wait to find out what it is. That's what we in the business call a "cliffhanger". So stay tuned...

Yesterday’s Date: Brought to You by Awkward Touching™

I had a date with Bachelor #25 yesterday. This won’t be a terribly interesting post because he didn’t appear to be crazy. Plus, I kept it to lunch during the work day instead of drinks at night. That’s when the real freak comes out. Anyway, he hit me up the other day when I was trolling a dating site. He reminded me that we had been chatting a few months ago but then I stopped responding to him. The first thing I thought was “What creepy thing did you say to turn me off?” But I kept that thought to myself. We chatted online for a while and he appeared to be fairly normal. We exchanged numbers and he was appropriate in both the frequency and content of his text messages. No too shabs. Man, it’s a sad day in paradise when things like this are noteworthy. Anyway, he seemed pretty nice so we met at the local Chipotle.

When he got there I went in for a handshake, he went in for a hug. Awkward hugging ensued. We sat down for lunch and were having a pretty decent conversation. He asked me questions and listened to the answers. He didn’t say anything too “the fuck?”. However, at some point he started touching my leg with his. At first I thought it was accidental so I moved a few times to give him some more leg room. I even gave him the “oh, sorry.” and then moved my leg out of the way. But then he’d juxtapose to go back to the leg touch again. He did this a minimum of, let’s say, 6 times. Now, I watch Tough Love: New Orleans and I’ve heard all about this “touch a guy so they know they’re interested” fad. But I just wasn’t on board with the physical contact. It could have been worse though, I suppose. Much worse. Like the guy who came up to me at a bar holding out his hands and telling me that his hands are scales and asked if I wanted to know how much my boobs weighed. He could have done that. So I guess I’ll let this slide. We finished lunch. He added a second awkward hug to the docket and we went on our way.

By the by, I did some googling to find an awkward hug .gif and, surprisingly, I found a ton of videos on hugging how-tos. Here's a fun quiz: What's worse than an awkward hug? An awkward video about awkward hugging. Exhibits W, T & F:

That’s about it. Not really a lot to report here. Again, ANOTHER nice guy but there was no chemistry from my perspective. And, for all I know, not for him either.

By the by, I did respond to the artists’ rendering profile picture’s [see below] e-mail the other day. Just so I could be like “What’s the deal with your picture, guy?”. He said “I have a sketch instead. Keep in touch!” derp. No shit you have a sketch. But let’s get down to the meat of the matter: why? Whatever.

So anyway, I only have 5 more bachelors to go. hollerrrrrrr!! What are the chances I’ll meet the love ‘o my life in final stretches of this blog? Not likely? Alrightey then. Well, if the next 5 don’t work out I’m treating myself to an all-you-can-eat buffet with boob hand scales guy.

Impromp-Two-Four

o.k. Bachelor #24 here is a gray area bachelor and I know it. But it involves all the elements of a date: a guy, free drinks, strippers, regret… And so, since I’m going to share this story, I'm also going to count this towards my date count. And you'll like it!! Well, hopefully you do.

Recently I went out with a friend of mine. (You know who you are… hey girl!) At some point her mom and uncle (well, technically uncle’s brother but they call him uncle) met up with us too. Her mom, uncle & I were getting along great, having a fun time and some funny conversation. We were discussing relationships and whatnot. It actually started with my friend telling them about my blog and that led to my friend’s mom telling me that women always think that uncle man is a player but that he’s totally not. I told him that women probably think that because he looks high maintenance. I suggested he might not throw off that vibe as much if he stopped dressing like the lead singer from Nickelback. I can guaranty you ‘ol dude has a perr of these:

He was wearing a cowboy-ish type shirt, embellished-pocket jeans that were most likely from the Buckle and some novelty bling. I let him know that most ladies don’t like when men wear more joo-ry than they do. I suggested that he lose the wood bead cross necklace and bracelet and wear a less flashy shirt. I suggested that, if women think he’s high maintenance, he should probably wear more of a plain shirt; maybe just a nice, solid color t-shirt, also he should perhaps invest in some elastic-waist tapered jeans from the Farm & Fleet and, obviously, top that off with some Crocs. Women would NEVER. EVER. think he invests too much time in his personal appearance. I was totally joking around about all of this. Well, I was 90% joking. Anyway, it was a fun night.

Fast forward 7 days and the 4 of us were out again. When I first rolled up on the scene he was quick to point out to me that he took my advice by wearing a plain-ish t-shirt and he ditched the bling. I gave him props and informed him that he should prepare for the 6 month supply of labia that would probably be thrown at him henceforth. Anyway, the night was really fun and drinks were flowing . Really flowing. He was buying me drinks. I bought him drinks. We were joking around a lot. All the sudden the lead singer of the Nicelback cover band here started looking pretty good to me. (He does have a really great personality, by the way, so it wasn’t just the beer talking.) At any rate, I had a pretty nice buzz going. The show we were at was wrapping up and he asked if I wanted to go out afterwards. I told him that I had ridden with my friend so he asked if we all wanted to go out. My friend & her mom didn’t. So we made arrangements for him to drive me home and my friend & her moms left. Uncle Bachelor #24-ish and I then took our party to another bar down the block and had a really pleasant conversation about relationships ‘n such. He told me about his marriage and divorce and how his work takes a toll on his relationships. Anyway, it was a nice conversation so it just felt right when he suggested we take our evening of mystery and intrigue across the street to the low-rent strip club. Fast forward to me not only having a beer thrown down my gullet but his tongue as well. Hi. My name is Toby and I’m a(n) (almost) middle-aged woman making out with my friend’s uncle at a strip club on a Thursday night. Oh well, it was fun. We left the bar and dropped $20 on some street vendor hot dogs while he heckled some cops that were parked at the corner watching for drunk drivers. So, he may as well have just said “Hey guys… you wanna pull me over in about... oh, say, 5 minutes?” Dumb. So I drove us home. And I went inside my house. Alone. okay? The next morning I opened my eyes to the view of a half-eaten hot dog on my night stand table. Not one of my finer moments but it was a fun night so I’m not going to complain.

By the way, for research purposes I googled 'half-eaten hot dog' and actually found this. I wish I would have been as excited about it as this kid:

I was supposed to have a date with Bachelor #25 last week. We had been texting quite a bit for about a week and I discovered that we both have seniors at the same high school. There was a meeting at the high school the night before we were supposed to go out so I was able to get a sneak peek at him in person. Aaaaand a sneak smell. I saw him and introduced myself and I was overcome with the… aroma? He smelled like he had just run a marathon through wine country. Tremendously bad body odor and, clearly, booze on his breath. It was really gross. Also, he had off work that day so it's not like he was just coming from his job working in the bowels of a hot coal mine that also served gin. Or something like that. Then, as we’re all waiting in line for the caps & gowns he starts talking to me about how he doesn’t like being alone and asking me if I want to get married again. Sorry guy but I really don’t feel like discussing my hopes and dreams in a line filled with my daughter’s classmates and parents. Also, you smell terrible so I think I’ll come back another day for the cap and gown. c-ya.

Lastly, as I had mentioned in one of my previous posts, I took myself off all dating sites but one and that’s only because I invested the 6 month fee and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to try and get the other 6 months for free. But then, since I’m not on some of the other priceless gems that are dating sites, I miss out on the hilarity of all those creepy dating profiles. So, the other day I decided to take one for the team and open up one of these profiles again. It wasn’t long before the likes of LonelyRepoMan and RomanticYoungerLover hit me up. Literally, like 5 minutes later. I also got an e-mail from this guy and this was his only picture:

Needless to say I’ll be compiling one of my patented WTF posts in the next couple of days. My gift… to you.

Two Guys and a Cup. Of Hot Chocolate.

I'm going to keep this brief because, if I don't, I'll continue to allow myself to suck at updating my blog. I had 2 (two) dates in 1 (one) day a couple weeks ago. And here is the sordid tale:

Bachelor #22 & I exchanged e-mails back & forth for about a week or so. He seemed a little goofy but not cray cray. We made plans to meet at the local Alterra coffee shoppe by my house. However, a night or 2 before our pre-scheduled rendezvous, he sent me an e-mail (that I did not get because I was out) asking me on a last-minute date to a play he had 2 tickets for. That didn't work out and we just met for coffee. So, I see his face and... how do I put this delicately? He had. A moist. Abrasion on his face. It was unappealing and very distracting. But, being the trooper that I am, I proceeded. I asked him about that play that he had invited me to and he told me it was about a 4-year-old who has an imaginary friend that is addicted to cocaine and did some other creepy shit. Glad I missed it. Also, he's a painter and he told me how he gets so deeply involved with painting that he blocks everything out. He said that, once, he was painting intensely and caught the tail end of someone telling a dirty joke. That's when he turned around to yell at that person for interrupting his groove with said joke and realized that it was just the voices in his head. And, I’m serious when I say that he was serious. Well, you are not going to believe this but I decided not to pursue a second date with this gem. Which, I’m guessing, would likely to have been at a coffee shop in a psychiatric hospital.

I'll stick with 'ol Bob Ross for my painting/painter needs. ah... his voice is so soothing...

So, I left there and drove to meet Bachelor #23 at a different Alterra down by the lake. Guy is a professional photographer and owns several studios in the greater Illinois area. (But lives in Wisconsin) Even though his job is to take pictures of people all day long and he has the fanciest of cameras at his fingertips, he still only had 1 picture of himself on his profile. It's always a little sketch but it is what it is. So, we meet and his profile picture is clearly several years old. Also would it be mean if I mention that he had a skin tag the size of a peppercorn on his face that he kept rubbing? Well, I'm going to say it because it's true and it's how I feel. I don't know what the deal is with guys and shit on their face this particular day. Anyway, he was super fidgety and talked a whole lot. He rarely asked me anything about myself and, when he did and I'd answer, he'd interrupt me to talk about him. I've experienced this with a few guys so, once I see this as a pattern, I basically just shut my yapper and wait for them to stop talking so I can go home. Which is exactly what I did.

Needless to say, I was glad I slammed these mo foes out and was home in time to enjoy the rest of my day. Moist abrasion and peppercorn free!

Premature E-Blog-Ulation

I guess I posted this before I was done. But since I'm neglecting my blog so much I didn't even notice. mwa mwaaa... Anyway, in addition to slacking in general, I started a new job that I love and, until today, haven't been able to dick around a whole lot. Certainly not enough to update my blog. And, when I'm at home, I have tons of Judge Judy episodes to catch up on which keeps me pretty darn busy. You know she does 2 new episodes - EVERY. DAY. Aaanyhoo, I am 4 bachelors behind in this mutha trucka so let's get to bees wax already. I had a date with some dude and he is Bachelor #21. There’s not much to report here. He & I texted a lot and he called me. Which is nice. Lots of guys like to keep things textual but fellas, here’s a tip: Girls like a guy who doesn’t mind giving you a ring on the flip phone once in a while. Anyway, he was also a graphic artist which, I’m sure you picked up as an interest of mine when you saw the profeshunal logo for my blog here. We also determined that we both really enjoy beer. He doesn’t get out much so he didn’t really have any suggestions on where to go. So, I suggested a place I like that has a great beer menu.

Thinking of you too, fella! xoxoxoxo

So, he called me when we were both on our way to ye olde date to ask for directions. I think he might only really know the way to and from work. So we were talking. blah blah blah directions, blah blah blah, racial epithet, [record scratch] Now, I would never defend a racial slur - ever - but he was using it in reference to himself as a white man. However, no matter what, I just really dislike when people use offensive terms in general. Call me a prude. So I asked him about it and he totally didn’t get why I was al “uh… did you just say…” I think he just did not know why some might consider that offensive.

But we were about 3 minutes away from the bar so we met. I mean, there’s beer there. So, I get there and he’s pretty cute. He had a bunch of tattoos which I like. And not dumb ones like the Tasmanian Devil. He was completely blown away by the beer menu. Did I mention that he doesn’t get out much? Anyway, we got along well but conversation wasn’t free-flowing. There were some awkward pauses and there was a lot of pretending to look at the beer menu more. He also used double negatives which is kind of a pet peeve of mine. I don’t got no idea. So… then you *do* have an idea. It is just… nothing? Anyway, there was no spark and, fortunately, he knew I had plans to meet up with friends so it was a good excuse to end at a reasonable time. We said our buh byes and I went home. Followed by falling asleep on my couch and being late meeting my friends out.

So, another bust but at least I got a few beers out of the deal. And that always turns a frown upside down.

Enter the Slacker

Oh, I've been entered! ew. That sounded weird. I was going for an "Oh, it's been broughen'!" thing. Anyway, moving on. I've had 2 dates since my last post. (That sounded very Catholic school confessional) Let's get on with the show.

First, I was supposed to have a date with a different potential Bachelor #20 but, after our first textchange, it turned into a “Don’t call me and I won’t call you” situation. However, I did go out with the guy from the previous post who e-mailed me when I was out to dinner with my friend. Meet Bachelor #20. Before we met in person we had e-mailed back & forth a good deal, texted a lot and even had a few relatively lengthy phone conversations. He is very nice, he lives about 3 minutes away from me (which could be convenient) and, coincidentally, his son goes to my kids’ school. He also has a really good job and is very smart. He was a little on the boring side but I decided to stick with it because sometimes people are just reserved when they are first getting to know someone. So, after about a week or 2 chit-chatting we met out on a Friday night. He took me to a nice, non-Mexican restaurant and we had pretty good conversation. Then we took that party to a bar near where we both live. Whilst at said bar a friend of mine rolled up in there and was able to meet him. At pretty much the same time, another friend of mine texted me & asked if I wanted to meet up with her at the bar where she was going to be for her birthday. (A bar where we were going to be the only crackers there. Which is totally something I’m fine with but you never know how others are going to feel about that.) He totally rolled with the punches and said he was on board going anywhere I wanted to go. Bonus points.

No, but really... it was a pretty decent night. He was still a little reserved and dry for my tastes though. But 2 of my friends met him and really seemed to like him. We continued to text and he made it very clear that he really likes me. It’s really great to have someone feel that way about you. Even better if the feelings were mutual which, at that point, they weren’t for me.  But, I have the record of “You need to date differently” playing in my head so I decided to give this a chance. However, after a few days I felt like he was... maybe trying too hard? I'm not sure. He was texting me a lot and telling me things like he's never met anyone like me, asking me what my favorite jewelry was, if I ever wanted to get married again, what kind of ring I'd want if I ever got married again. Just things that kind of made me feel panic attack-ey. Yes, there is a very good chance that I could have been reading too much into that. But it still made me a little uncomfortable. Especially since we'd only been out once. However, despite that we did go out a second time. He took me down to the lakefront on a really nice night and introduced me to this great place where you can walk out about a half mile onto the lake. By now it had already become pretty evident that he’s just not my cup of tea though. This guy is attractive, however, I was just having a hard time getting on board because I wasn’t drawn to his personality at all. And we’re not going to Dr. Phil this mother fucker and say that I only like assholes. Because that’s not the case. Grated, I tend to date people with very similar personality patterns (some might (and have) call(ed) them assholes) so someone like him would be a refreshing change. However, he was just sort of dullsville. Along with the trying too hard just made it not good for me. Anyway, we went out for coffee after our long walk along the beach and he told me that he wanted to take me to this crazy ‘spensive restaurant the following Thursday. He also referenced himself as a “boyfriend” twice. Not that he was now but that he thinks he should be. Then, the next day, he texted me telling me that he’s catching feelings (paraphrased) for me and is scared but is ignoring his fears because he’s never met anyone like me. Holy crap. Yeah, that is scary. I was nowhere close to where he was and, in fact, probably close to being on the opposite end of that spectrum. So, I knew it was time to start making decisions. I’d feel awful having him drop a bunch of cash on a fancy dinner when I wasn’t feeling it. And, more importantly, I don’t want to prolong the inevitable. It wasn’t comfortable to me and it wasn’t fair to him. So, on Sunday I sent him a break-up-ish text. (Which prompted me to google this video because I think it’s funny but OBVIOUSLY bears no resemblence to me.)

Anyway, he said that he had seen that coming because he was getting a vibe from me for the past couple of days. I’m really not good at hiding my feelings. I mean, I’m not a bitch but I’m not going to reciprocate to something just for the sake of blowing sunshine up someone's ass. He was very nice about it though and said that if I ever change my mind, that he’d entertain the notion of giving it a second round.

So, close. Totally the kind of guy I could and should date. I just needed a bit more in the clever personality department. I really hope this doesn’t make me sound like an jerk off who has these ultra-high expectations or is just here to shred apart every date just for the hell of it. However, if my objective is to find someone that I want to be with long-term, then it has to be with a man that I find interesting. Someone where I want to call them and have conversations with them, someone who makes me laugh and etcetera. I don’t feel like I should settle. Trust when I say that I have settled in previous relationships and it’s no fun for anyone but them. I kid… Really though, it sucks. Not gonna do it. And I'm not the kind of person who dates someone just to have someone around. As Dionne Warwick would say [two... three... four...] that's what friends are for.

So, I had another date but I’m going to save that for another blog post to make up for all the slacking I’ve been doing. Hopefully I can get around to posting it in the next month. muhahahahaaaa!!!

Head of the... Pass!

So obviously I’ve had a case of the Slack McGees. I’ve been pretty uninspired to write a new blog post. Mostly because I’m almost completely disinterested in dating right now. Plus, I’ve been more focused on breaking up with some of the extra junk in my trunk. Lately, a 2 hour workout is more interesting to me than meeting some dude out for enchiladas. And that should say something because 1.) enchiladas are fucking awesome and 2.) working out fucking sucks. Unless, of course, I could do it all from the comfort of my favorite chair like on that 'Sit and Be Fit'. Unfortunately, my favorite chair actually happens to be my bed.

However, that being said, I did go on a date last week. Allow me introduce you to Bachelor #19. This fella is fresh off the boat from Scotland. Well, not really. He came here about 12 or so years ago. So that means awesome accent. It could also maybe mean a kilt which, I'm not gonna lie, intrigues me. awwww yeah...

Also, in most of his pictures he had the kind of facial hair situation that I’m into. So far so good! He & I started chatting on a Wednesday afternoon. Then we moved that party to text messages. He was very nice and for almost a full 24 hours he didn’t say anything that made me uncozy! That first day of talking we made plans to meet for lunch on Friday. By Thursday morning he had asked if I could meet with him that day because he didn’t want to wait another day to meet me. awww. Isn’t that special? Too bad I already had plans. So I agreed to meet him that night at the bar he works at on the east side. He asked me to get there early before it got busy so we could chit chat.

I got there. We met. He was very nice. More importantly, he hooked a sista up with the all-you-can-drink buffet. I had a hard time understanding him at first though. That Scottish accent, while fantastic, was also really difficult to decipher. At one point I just flat out told him that I’m having a hard time understanding him which he said was good to know because most people just sit there & nod their head. But after a while I kind of got the hang of it. I think watching 'Head of the Class' when Billy Connolly was the teacher helped to prepare me.

Anyway, he was quite nice but as we were talking I learned a few things about him that I wasn’t a major fan of. First, the bartender thing. Obviously I knew that about him already. I wasn’t in love, or even like, of that factoid from the beginning. Especially given that he’s 43. I know he started bartending when he lost his job 2 years ago. And I get that it’s a good part-time gig. But he didn’t seem too ambitious to get a full-time job. Or ambitious at all, by his own admission. Which, IMHO, he probably should be since he has an 11-year-old son. That, and he told me that his 2 years of unemployment was running out in 5 weeks and he can’t cut the financial mustard without it. Way to procrastinate, guy. The next ‘meh’ flag was the fact that he got this bartending gig because at the time he was dating the bar manager. They broke up about a year ago and she’s still his boss. And, bonus, she came into the bar while I was there. He told me he’s mad at her now so they’re not talking. That just seemed kind of weird. He made a few other comments that made me wonder how over the situation he was. Alright, next on the “things that make you go hmmm” list is the fact that he has a roommate. It was almost like I was dating a guy who was in his early-20s. And everyone who knows me knows that I barely wanted to have anything to do with 20-somethings when I was in my 20s. Now that I’m almost 40, I sure as hell don’t want anything to do with them or someone who is seemingly stuck there. Or has reverted there? Anyway, in a nutshell, nice guy but totally not somebody that I’d want to date and I’ll leave it at that. However, I’m sure if I stopped in his bar again I’d probably still get a free Spotted Cow. So I guess I get at least one consolation prize from this experience.

I’ve got tentative plans to go out with Bachelor #20 on Wednesday. Also, as I was having dinner with my friend on Saturday night and we were discussing how much dating sucks, I got an e-mail from someone who is actually super interesting to me. We e-mailed back & forth yesterday so we’ll see how that goes. However, I’m sure the e-mails from online daters will be fewer & more far between because I shut down half (2) of the sites I’m on and another 25% (1) are on their way to being obliterated. But I have a lot of doozies in my in-box right now that I am looking forward to sharing with y'all. Like the e-mail I got from the guy whose profession is "waiter/inventor" who told me he likes to paint with pastels and, oh... and he was in prison for 18 months for fraud. Great introduction! There was a loooot more to that e-mail too. I'll keep you in suspense on whether or not I responded.

Lastly, at brunch yesterday my friend told me about how she was once tricked into going on a date with some guy under the guise of a ‘group outing’, only to have it be just the 2 of them. I kindly thanked her for this bit of street smart savvy and said that I might be using this technique to rassle in the next 10 bachelors. I know a lot of dudes so it would be an easy way of pounding out the last few dates. Figuratively, that is. I aint no whore.

“Until next time, America!”  - Maury Povich