Goodnight Goon

Guys like to take pictures of themselves in bed. I guess they're trying to give us lucky ladies a sneak peek at what we could be waking up to after 5 raspberry long islands and 7 shots of Wild Turkey. Anyway, this is my partially plagiarized bedtime story for them.

Goodnight goon

Goodnight goon

 Goodnight guy sleeping outside under the moon

Goodnight puka shell necklace and goodnight kitten

Goodnight to this gent with whom you'll be smitten (But probably not)

Goodnight pillow and goodnight frosted tips

Goodnight trophy from 2006

Goodnight fleas that live in pet hair

Goodnight creepers everywhere

"I am bored with normal women, I am ready for an evil psycho to use me and ruin my life. It just sounds like fun to me to be made to do evil things to make you happy and to support you in every way. Use me for my money, and if I dont earn enough money, make me rob banks for you, and if that isnt enough, make me do whatever you want because quite frankly, this world while beautiful and awesome, its just to the point where I am bored with it. I have done everything I wanted to do, its time to do whatever it takes to make someone else happy, but not lame boring happy, I want to do weird and evil stuff to make you happy which would then make me happy. I am just tired of it all and honestly, the right woman can use that to her advantage, I wish you would, because this sucks!" - That Guy

I Did It! 30 Bachelors!

My last bachelor of the blog. Hizzah! And remember all those nice things that Vanessa Williams sang about in "Save The Best For Last"? Yeah, well Vanessa's a damn dirty liar. Unless the topic of "cat eye herpes" is something that you're particularly interested in talking about - especially within the first 7 minutes of meeting someone. How about hearing more about that cat with eye herpes having its eye removed and rubbing it's sewn up eye socket on your arm? Can I get a show of hands for who wishes they were in on this conversation? Nobody? That's what I thought. This guy was an odd duck. Let's see... he's an avid game show fan. In fact, he has applied for almost 30 game shows. He did go to a Wheel of Fortune audition once when it was in Waukesha but didn't make the cut. He had a Skype interview in the works for some game show that's going to be airing in the next few months on a major television network. By the way, all the contestants Skype in for the actual game show too. Very cost-effective. You know, in this economy... I guess it's a show where average Americans are given topics and talk about their opinions. I'm sure it will be a light-hearted romp into the American psyche on important topics affecting U.S. citizens like the collapse of the banking industry, the issues with our educational system and cranial feline herpes. I'm looking forward to that. Especially if Bach #30 gets on that show.

What else? In addition to the random "woo hoo" he'd blurt out, he told me the story of how he used to live in a very small town. Well one night, just 2 short days after his wife of 7 years moved out, some random lady knocked on his door at 9:30 at night to introduce herself. They immediately started to date and he moved her and her and the 4 kids she had with 3 ex-husbands in shortly thereafter. So there were 7 kids in his house with 2 parents that had 5 exes between them. I bet this guy plays a mean jug. He told me that one of her ex-husbands (who was still technically her husband because they weren't divorced yet.) used to ask him if he's having fun fucking his wife. Sounds like fun. He also did some super awkward impersonations of people where, apparently, they all had buck teeth so every impression had an overbite.

Oh, let me just say that he & I met for coffee after work. He warned me right away that he is hyper-sensitive to caffeine. So I guess it was an awesome idea to take a first date out for coffee. Anyway, that proved to be the case fairly quickly because he got super jittery and weird(er) after about a half hour. He started looking around really paranoid-like when he was telling stories. Like if he was telling a story about his ex-wife, he'd look around to make sure she wasn't there. But there were only about 4 people at the Starbucks and I'm quite sure he would have noticed if the mother of his kids whom he lived with for 7 years was sitting there sipping a latte. He also started frantically sipping his drink every 10 seconds or so. It was just super odd. Anyway, fortunately I had plans that I had to get to and he knew that so that was a good reason to pull this:

So with that, he refilled his caffeinated beverage (because he apparently wasn't jacked up enough on the caffeine) and we bid adieu. I left there grateful to be done with this date and even more pleased that I will not be subjecting myself to any other date again for a long, long time. But I am glad that I did see this thing through and I learned a lot from this experience. I've probably got another post or two in me though. You know, like cat eye herpes, I just won't go away. me-ow!

When In Doubt, Talk About Dead Things

Bachelor #29 and I corresponded via internets and then spoke on the phone. He was very nice. We made arrangements to have lunch and let me pick where I wanted to go. Which meant no Mexican. He wore his fanciest adidas soccer sandals on the date. He spoke for the better part of 2 hours and didn't ask me anything about myself. We left. It's a wrap.

My date could have taken a queue from David here. He doesn't want to talk about himself. He wants to conversate our brains out, Aquarian goddesses.

The phenomenon of not asking someone - more specifically, me - anything about themselves - more specifically, myself - is quite prevalent among the dating community. I've probably mentioned this many times before. From my experience it's because a guy is is either completely self-absorbed and/or oblivious or because they are inexperienced daters or just nervous. It was really apparent that this guy was not the former. I was his first first date in probably 2 1/2  or so years so (he just got out of a 2-year relationship a few months ago) and I think he was just trying to avoid awkward silences. He was really nice and I could tell he wasn't a douche bag so, while I was a little put off, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Lord knows I need people to do that for me on a daily basis. I wasn't attracted to him, per say, but he did have a nice voice so if I had to listen to his stories for 2 hours, that helped. Anyway, because he seemed like a decent guy, I decided to go out with him again when he asked. I didn't want to write him off immediately and I figured I'd use this second date to gauge what my interest level was. We met for lunch and I guess he had told me everything he wanted to tell me on our first date because the conversation this time around was sparse. On this second excursion, we (he) discussed a plumbing repair he was making and that he needed to pick his bow up from the repair shoppe. I felt like we were an old ass boring couple sitting around Shady Pines watching Jeopardy that had nothing interesting to talk about anymore. Except that we never really had anything interesting to talk about ever. He & I never once discussed anything of substance like politics or which fictional TV planet was the best: Ork or Melmac. (The correct answer is Melmac.) I felt obligated to at least try to earn my salad so I wracked my brain to create conversation. I knew he like to kill things with a bow and arrow so at one point I asked him what part of the deer to hit with an arrow to kill it faster. That's what this date's topics had been reduced to. For the record, it's somewhere by the back of the something or other. Where the heart is. Even though I asked I apparently didn't pay a lot of attention to the answer. I think somebody walked past the window with a sequin shirt or something and I got distracted. Sparkly... Actually, what I truly got distracted by was him answering his phone for the second time in 20 minutes. Also, where to shoot an animal with a stick is not something I'll ever need to know. ooh... how ironic would it be if I some day I get lost in the forest and needed to kill a deer for survival? Boy would I feel like a jack ass for not having paid attention.

Scratch that. I just googled "deer anatomy" and I'm fine. And now you all are too. Happy hiking!

Anyway, we're just two really different people. And different can be a great thing if you both have things to talk about and find one another intriguing. But I just do not have any inclination to get to know him more.

So once again Cupid's arrow was a draw and a miss. But at least I have learned something new. If I'm ever confronted by a rabid Bambi, I'll know just where to stab it. I guess now I should start carrying a Swiss Army knife with me at all times. In hindsight, that's probably something I should have been doing for this entire date-a-thon. Although its probably best for some of these turds I've been out with that I wasn't.

Tor-sooooo Hot

On any given day trolling a dating site I will see more torsos than I've seen in person in my life. Men seem to love the strategy of luring us unsuspecting females into their den of inequity by dangling this fleshy carrot in front of our faces. heh... fleshy carrot. But golly gee this strategy is a solid one. 100% of the time I see someone's belly button I think "I can't wait until I can sip on mai tais with the rest of that body." So let’s tiptoe trough the torsos, shall we?. (That sounds so serial killer. But I think that's why I like it.)

Oh, and before I begin, people always ask where I find these pictures. I just want to let everyone know that these are all *local* guys that I see on the dating sites. All within my distance and age range. In a nutshell, this is the shit show from which I have to choose from.

Now that we've got that out of the way, let's start with Torso #1. No fuss, no muss. He's got an inney. Just your average every day torso that you took a picture of to post on your dating profile. Kewl.

Oh look, more mid-section! This one has gotten a little artistic with his body shot. The flash makes it look like his head is exploding. If only...

Keepin' it casual. Just leaning against the door holding my camera telephone. No biggie. But, yeah, I spent the last 4 hours plucking my nipples for this shoot.

Oh and by the way, this guy also gives you a back option sponsored by Z. Cavaricci lest you haven't fallen in love with the front:

There's this...

Just in case you missed that:

Nine teen fucking ninety? I believe that's like 22 years ago? I find it quite amusing that 'ol dude is posting a picture of what he looked like in his hay day. I wouldn't have the nerve to post a pic now of what I looked like when I was in my early 20s. Because I do not look like that anymore so it's a moot point. Also, he does not look like this anymore. But at least he did have some sense to post current pictures. Not all men give us ladies the courtesy of posting relatively recent images of themselves. Or pictures of themselves at all. Like the guy who has this as his dating profile image:

Yes, Rocky n Adrian... we should all be so lucky to find a love like theirs. Or to be able to run up all those steps like Rocky! I never actually saw that movie but those have always been my take-aways.

International Fail catalog? I'm ready for my close-up.

What the... how'd this one get in here? Just some guy pressing his ass up to the bathroom mirror to really entice the ladies. And I guess you do get some side boob/torso. Back that thang up and give me yo numba!

This guy likes to mess around at the gym. Oh, and sometimes people just so happen to take his picture as he's taking his shirt off. I can only imagine the fun they have in the showers!

This particular torso is precious because he's clearly snapping this pic in a public bathroom. Either that or he's rich as fuck and able to afford hand dryers installed on his bathroom wall. Only poor people use hand towels. But what's best about this public bathroom picture is that he pulled his pants down and is holding on to them. I hope he checked the cleaning crew schedule hanging on the door before he took this chance. Very daring!! Jot this guy down as a solid "maybe".

"For those who want this pic". What about those that don't want this pic? You're really not giving us much of a choice in the matter.

If this fella loves his country as much as he loves his stomach and his mom, I think I'm in love.

More public bathroom torso shots!!! I wonder if he goes to the gym with that other guy. Maybe take one another's pictures... slap each other with towels. This torso's got its towel hung low to get your tiny imagination going, manscaping but not too much manscaping. This guy's sure to sell fast.

By far the most uncomfortable torso shot I've seen:

But if that doesn't work for you, he's also interested in bowling, sky diving & fishing.

I seriously could go on and on with this torso douche parade. Do women take gratuitous boob shots & post them? Is that the equivalent? I'm guessing so but I can't be sure. But now that you're either thoroughly disgusted or thoroughly turned on, I think I'm going to call this one a day. I'll probably do a couple thousand crunches and set the flip phone to Camera. My dating profile could use a refresher. Fuck it. I'll just go in the bathroom and take pictures of my boobs. They're just sitting here doing nothing for society. May as well put them to use.

 

Square Peg(s)

This thought became a reoccurring theme for today’s blog so let’s just cut to the chase and not pretend any longer that this song isn’t the first thing that came to your head:

And if it didn't, then I barely knew you. So on to the first, and only, order of business: Bachelor #28. Dating site… yada yada… It’s not too infrequent that I get an e-mail from someone on one of these sites. But whenever I get the notification on my flip phone, I usually just ignore it until I can get in front of a screen with more than 12 pixels so I can fully assess their tribal tattoo and/or shaker sweater situation. I was pleasantly surprised when I got an e-mail from an actual attractive person with an interesting profile that also had 0 (zero) pictures of him in front of his bathroom mirror or holding a dead turkey. Or both. We began the process of emailing and he was able to carry on a good conversation. On more than a few occasions I’ve gotten e-mails from someone who had an amusing or worth-reading profile but then they were a complete dud in real time. Which leads me to believe that they had someone with an actual personality write their profile. But this guy had a great brain and was funny. So eventually we met in person. We have opposite schedules so we agreed to meet for coffee over my lunch hour. He dressed well. He was able to talk about actual things that aren’t boring like his highest bowling score and kite flying injuries. I had a good time. The bonus was not only did I enjoy talking to him but I also liked looking at his face. A combination as rare for me as spotting a chupacabra. In my back yard. Eating a burrito. While riding a unicycle. o.k. Maybe I took things too far with the unicycle. But I think we’re all clear on this, right?

We hung out a couple more times for coffee and lunch but eventually he decided that he wasn’t interested in pursuing anything other than a friendship with me. [insert that loser horn from the previous post.] I’m used to being the diss-er and not the diss-ee so it was definitely a bruise to the ego. I felt sorry for myself for a hot minute(s) because it is so frustrating when you meet someone you dig and it just doesn’t work out. But I got over that relatively quickly. We can’t all be everyone’s cup of tea no matter how fabulous we think we are. He is certainly entitled to feel the way he does and if it doesn’t work for him then that's way-o.k. with me. I'm sure I've said this before but I don’t have any interest in putting forth effort trying to fit anybody’s square peg into my round hole. Been there. Done that. It sucks. Won't do it again. However, we did still agree to be friends and actually had a really nice lunch the day after this friendship conversation. He seems like a pretty swell guy and I could see us being franns and if that’s the best I get out of this date-a-thon (free enchiladas not withstanding) then that’s not too shabs.

I was supposed to go on a date with Bachelor #29 this past weekend. He kept suggesting we hang out at his house for the date. I resisted the urge to tell him to go fuck himself because it was evident that fucking something was what he had in mind. But instead I politely turned his offer down. So he cancelled our date entirely. Obviously that was going to be my next move anyway but he beat me to the punch. However, there is hope. I have been contacted by a guy with a gigantic wolf mural on the hood of his truck, another guy posing *in* a port-o-potty and another whose interest was listed as "drawing women". (I smell a Christmas card rendering!) I bet this is what Jesse Jackson really meant when he advised us to keep hope alive. So, my search continues finding the right guy who has the perfect round peg for my perfect round hole. 

Great [Big. Really, Really Big.] Expectations

o.k. I've kept you in suspense long enough!! Or did you forget about my cliffhanger from my last blog post 6 months or so ago? Well nevermind then. I guess that plan backfired. Like so many other things in my life... my hopes, my dreams, my attempt at wearing royal blue skinny jeans... Now, what were we talking about? Oh yes. Let's get to it.

I happened upon Bachelor #27 on a dating site - of course. He had 2 profile pictures. One was from the neck up and he was very cute. The other was of him on a snowmobile and he was dressed in all black. (This information will be useful later on in the post.) He & I e-mailed back and forth quite a few times and he was super cool and interesting. Then we took that party to the flip phone. We had quite a bit in common and had great conversation. Aside from him referring to his and my kids as "shorties" 100% of the time, there weren't too many things that were a turn off. A bigger issue was the fact that he lives about an hour & a half away. So planning a time to meet up was not particularly easy. But after a couple weeks of exchanging communication we scheduled to meet up on a Friday night. Which was rather nice of him to drive an hour & a half away right after work on a Friday. Personally I would have said "fuck that noise" and gone home to take a nap.

Now here's where things get tricky. I was really looking forward to meeting this guy so it was much to my chagrin when I walked into the restaurant and saw a guy who was approximately 400 lbs. and I'm not even fucking around. In fact, I even did a google search on what a 400 lb. man looks like and I think my assessment is pretty spot on. I don't want to sound superficial but I was totally disappointed. In a nutshell, this is what I was thinking:

I know I'm a woman with a little extra junk in ye olde trunk but this was way over the top. Also, he was wearing Birkenstock sandals and believe me when I say that the straps on those things were being tested to their limits. His pictures were totally not representative of what he brought to the table. Oh, and speaking of tables, when we sat down in a booth he literally had to shimmy the table several inches in my direction to fit in. Also, his profile said "a few extra pounds". This was more than a few. I don't want it to seem like I'm trash-talking Louie Anderson's body double here but I just was not physically attracted to someone with so much... girth. In all the wrong places. But, despite all that, I decided to make the best of it. We actually had great conversation. We discussed shorties at length and he told me about the band he's in. He said that their band wanted to do live shows but he didn't want to do that until he loses 300 lbs. Yes, he totally said that. Anyway, despite being a very big guy he was still a pretty confident person. He had a good sense of humor and was really nice. After dinner we went out for drinks and hung out until bar close. Basically, it was a good date.

So therein lies the conflict. I met this guy who I thought was pretty cool but I was nowhere near attracted to him. And it is certainly not my place to ask him to stop off at the Bariatric Treatment Center on the way home from the combination Pizza Hut/Taco Bell. I want someone to accept me for who I am; flaws and all. That's what everyone wants, really, and everyone is certainly entitled to that. This was just too much for me though. I didn't jump the gun and kick him to the curb; he and I did continue to email and text for a few weeks afterwards. But between me not being sure if I would be able to move past the weight/attraction issue and him not living very close, it just fizzled out. And I'm o.k. with that. But, in the spirit of big men, here's an awesome backwards clip of Chris Farley. Totally a guy I would have let take me out for pizza and cranberry vodkas.

I'm just really excited to be about done with this dirty thirty dating thing. I am inching my way closer and expect to wrap up in the next 2 week or so. No cliff hangers this time though. Just some good 'ol fashioned blogging! (For another 2 weeks or so.)

Up Up and Holy Shit I Couldn’t Wait To Get Away

This snippet right here should juuust about sum up my date with Bachelor #26:

This guy was a really nice person but he would *easily* score solid 10s in a dull competition. He’d probably even get some 11s and 12s. He could have just been nervous but that’s what liquor is for. So I would have assumed that the 5 PBRs he downed in a relatively short amount of time would have livened up his personality – if it, in fact, existed. Let’s get Angela Lansbury on the case. I kid… I wouldn’t want to do that to her. If she’s still alive, that is. Anyway, I tried really hard to extract conversation from him and, at times, he was able to form movements with his mouth and get words to come out. But it was not easy. He did tell me one story about how, two short years ago, he was married, owned a house and owned a semi-successful business with his best friend. But all that was lost when his wifey started spreading her love (and legs) to the best friend/business partner – and the best friend/business partner’s wife. Very sad and I felt bad for the guy. But kind of an interesting story nonetheless. Otherwise, most of the evening was spent looking around at stuff and, literally, talking about the weather. I feel like I’m pretty good at being able to engage in small talk and have the ability to schmooze with just about anyone. But this guy was making it really hard. And no, that is NOT what he said. Actually, if he had said that it would have been indication of a mild sense of humor.

Sadly, the best part (for me, at least, because I’m an asshole) was learning that he is an avid kite flyer but has not flown a kite since he fractured his rib while flying a kite a few months ago. Really? I’ve known people who have fractured ribs in snowboarding or football accidents but I’ve never heard of someone suffering an injury tossing a piece of fabric on a string into the sky.

Anyway, this date was so uncomfortable and brutal. After about an hour & a half of struggling to have a conversation he asked if I wanted to take our [world’s saddest] party to the outside patio. Actually no. I really do not. But, like an idiot, I said yes but that I had to go in about 20 minutes. I only made it 10 more minutes though. I take back that the kite flying story was the best part of the date. Me going home was the best part.

So anyhoo, I had a date with Bachelor #27 over the weekend. It was good but there's just one very large catch. But you will just have to wait to find out what it is. That's what we in the business call a "cliffhanger". So stay tuned...