Two Guys and a Cup. Of Hot Chocolate.

I'm going to keep this brief because, if I don't, I'll continue to allow myself to suck at updating my blog. I had 2 (two) dates in 1 (one) day a couple weeks ago. And here is the sordid tale:

Bachelor #22 & I exchanged e-mails back & forth for about a week or so. He seemed a little goofy but not cray cray. We made plans to meet at the local Alterra coffee shoppe by my house. However, a night or 2 before our pre-scheduled rendezvous, he sent me an e-mail (that I did not get because I was out) asking me on a last-minute date to a play he had 2 tickets for. That didn't work out and we just met for coffee. So, I see his face and... how do I put this delicately? He had. A moist. Abrasion on his face. It was unappealing and very distracting. But, being the trooper that I am, I proceeded. I asked him about that play that he had invited me to and he told me it was about a 4-year-old who has an imaginary friend that is addicted to cocaine and did some other creepy shit. Glad I missed it. Also, he's a painter and he told me how he gets so deeply involved with painting that he blocks everything out. He said that, once, he was painting intensely and caught the tail end of someone telling a dirty joke. That's when he turned around to yell at that person for interrupting his groove with said joke and realized that it was just the voices in his head. And, I’m serious when I say that he was serious. Well, you are not going to believe this but I decided not to pursue a second date with this gem. Which, I’m guessing, would likely to have been at a coffee shop in a psychiatric hospital.

I'll stick with 'ol Bob Ross for my painting/painter needs. ah... his voice is so soothing...

So, I left there and drove to meet Bachelor #23 at a different Alterra down by the lake. Guy is a professional photographer and owns several studios in the greater Illinois area. (But lives in Wisconsin) Even though his job is to take pictures of people all day long and he has the fanciest of cameras at his fingertips, he still only had 1 picture of himself on his profile. It's always a little sketch but it is what it is. So, we meet and his profile picture is clearly several years old. Also would it be mean if I mention that he had a skin tag the size of a peppercorn on his face that he kept rubbing? Well, I'm going to say it because it's true and it's how I feel. I don't know what the deal is with guys and shit on their face this particular day. Anyway, he was super fidgety and talked a whole lot. He rarely asked me anything about myself and, when he did and I'd answer, he'd interrupt me to talk about him. I've experienced this with a few guys so, once I see this as a pattern, I basically just shut my yapper and wait for them to stop talking so I can go home. Which is exactly what I did.

Needless to say, I was glad I slammed these mo foes out and was home in time to enjoy the rest of my day. Moist abrasion and peppercorn free!

Premature E-Blog-Ulation

I guess I posted this before I was done. But since I'm neglecting my blog so much I didn't even notice. mwa mwaaa... Anyway, in addition to slacking in general, I started a new job that I love and, until today, haven't been able to dick around a whole lot. Certainly not enough to update my blog. And, when I'm at home, I have tons of Judge Judy episodes to catch up on which keeps me pretty darn busy. You know she does 2 new episodes - EVERY. DAY. Aaanyhoo, I am 4 bachelors behind in this mutha trucka so let's get to bees wax already. I had a date with some dude and he is Bachelor #21. There’s not much to report here. He & I texted a lot and he called me. Which is nice. Lots of guys like to keep things textual but fellas, here’s a tip: Girls like a guy who doesn’t mind giving you a ring on the flip phone once in a while. Anyway, he was also a graphic artist which, I’m sure you picked up as an interest of mine when you saw the profeshunal logo for my blog here. We also determined that we both really enjoy beer. He doesn’t get out much so he didn’t really have any suggestions on where to go. So, I suggested a place I like that has a great beer menu.

Thinking of you too, fella! xoxoxoxo

So, he called me when we were both on our way to ye olde date to ask for directions. I think he might only really know the way to and from work. So we were talking. blah blah blah directions, blah blah blah, racial epithet, [record scratch] Now, I would never defend a racial slur - ever - but he was using it in reference to himself as a white man. However, no matter what, I just really dislike when people use offensive terms in general. Call me a prude. So I asked him about it and he totally didn’t get why I was al “uh… did you just say…” I think he just did not know why some might consider that offensive.

But we were about 3 minutes away from the bar so we met. I mean, there’s beer there. So, I get there and he’s pretty cute. He had a bunch of tattoos which I like. And not dumb ones like the Tasmanian Devil. He was completely blown away by the beer menu. Did I mention that he doesn’t get out much? Anyway, we got along well but conversation wasn’t free-flowing. There were some awkward pauses and there was a lot of pretending to look at the beer menu more. He also used double negatives which is kind of a pet peeve of mine. I don’t got no idea. So… then you *do* have an idea. It is just… nothing? Anyway, there was no spark and, fortunately, he knew I had plans to meet up with friends so it was a good excuse to end at a reasonable time. We said our buh byes and I went home. Followed by falling asleep on my couch and being late meeting my friends out.

So, another bust but at least I got a few beers out of the deal. And that always turns a frown upside down.

Enter the Slacker

Oh, I've been entered! ew. That sounded weird. I was going for an "Oh, it's been broughen'!" thing. Anyway, moving on. I've had 2 dates since my last post. (That sounded very Catholic school confessional) Let's get on with the show.

First, I was supposed to have a date with a different potential Bachelor #20 but, after our first textchange, it turned into a “Don’t call me and I won’t call you” situation. However, I did go out with the guy from the previous post who e-mailed me when I was out to dinner with my friend. Meet Bachelor #20. Before we met in person we had e-mailed back & forth a good deal, texted a lot and even had a few relatively lengthy phone conversations. He is very nice, he lives about 3 minutes away from me (which could be convenient) and, coincidentally, his son goes to my kids’ school. He also has a really good job and is very smart. He was a little on the boring side but I decided to stick with it because sometimes people are just reserved when they are first getting to know someone. So, after about a week or 2 chit-chatting we met out on a Friday night. He took me to a nice, non-Mexican restaurant and we had pretty good conversation. Then we took that party to a bar near where we both live. Whilst at said bar a friend of mine rolled up in there and was able to meet him. At pretty much the same time, another friend of mine texted me & asked if I wanted to meet up with her at the bar where she was going to be for her birthday. (A bar where we were going to be the only crackers there. Which is totally something I’m fine with but you never know how others are going to feel about that.) He totally rolled with the punches and said he was on board going anywhere I wanted to go. Bonus points.

No, but really... it was a pretty decent night. He was still a little reserved and dry for my tastes though. But 2 of my friends met him and really seemed to like him. We continued to text and he made it very clear that he really likes me. It’s really great to have someone feel that way about you. Even better if the feelings were mutual which, at that point, they weren’t for me.  But, I have the record of “You need to date differently” playing in my head so I decided to give this a chance. However, after a few days I felt like he was... maybe trying too hard? I'm not sure. He was texting me a lot and telling me things like he's never met anyone like me, asking me what my favorite jewelry was, if I ever wanted to get married again, what kind of ring I'd want if I ever got married again. Just things that kind of made me feel panic attack-ey. Yes, there is a very good chance that I could have been reading too much into that. But it still made me a little uncomfortable. Especially since we'd only been out once. However, despite that we did go out a second time. He took me down to the lakefront on a really nice night and introduced me to this great place where you can walk out about a half mile onto the lake. By now it had already become pretty evident that he’s just not my cup of tea though. This guy is attractive, however, I was just having a hard time getting on board because I wasn’t drawn to his personality at all. And we’re not going to Dr. Phil this mother fucker and say that I only like assholes. Because that’s not the case. Grated, I tend to date people with very similar personality patterns (some might (and have) call(ed) them assholes) so someone like him would be a refreshing change. However, he was just sort of dullsville. Along with the trying too hard just made it not good for me. Anyway, we went out for coffee after our long walk along the beach and he told me that he wanted to take me to this crazy ‘spensive restaurant the following Thursday. He also referenced himself as a “boyfriend” twice. Not that he was now but that he thinks he should be. Then, the next day, he texted me telling me that he’s catching feelings (paraphrased) for me and is scared but is ignoring his fears because he’s never met anyone like me. Holy crap. Yeah, that is scary. I was nowhere close to where he was and, in fact, probably close to being on the opposite end of that spectrum. So, I knew it was time to start making decisions. I’d feel awful having him drop a bunch of cash on a fancy dinner when I wasn’t feeling it. And, more importantly, I don’t want to prolong the inevitable. It wasn’t comfortable to me and it wasn’t fair to him. So, on Sunday I sent him a break-up-ish text. (Which prompted me to google this video because I think it’s funny but OBVIOUSLY bears no resemblence to me.)

Anyway, he said that he had seen that coming because he was getting a vibe from me for the past couple of days. I’m really not good at hiding my feelings. I mean, I’m not a bitch but I’m not going to reciprocate to something just for the sake of blowing sunshine up someone's ass. He was very nice about it though and said that if I ever change my mind, that he’d entertain the notion of giving it a second round.

So, close. Totally the kind of guy I could and should date. I just needed a bit more in the clever personality department. I really hope this doesn’t make me sound like an jerk off who has these ultra-high expectations or is just here to shred apart every date just for the hell of it. However, if my objective is to find someone that I want to be with long-term, then it has to be with a man that I find interesting. Someone where I want to call them and have conversations with them, someone who makes me laugh and etcetera. I don’t feel like I should settle. Trust when I say that I have settled in previous relationships and it’s no fun for anyone but them. I kid… Really though, it sucks. Not gonna do it. And I'm not the kind of person who dates someone just to have someone around. As Dionne Warwick would say [two... three... four...] that's what friends are for.

So, I had another date but I’m going to save that for another blog post to make up for all the slacking I’ve been doing. Hopefully I can get around to posting it in the next month. muhahahahaaaa!!!

Head of the... Pass!

So obviously I’ve had a case of the Slack McGees. I’ve been pretty uninspired to write a new blog post. Mostly because I’m almost completely disinterested in dating right now. Plus, I’ve been more focused on breaking up with some of the extra junk in my trunk. Lately, a 2 hour workout is more interesting to me than meeting some dude out for enchiladas. And that should say something because 1.) enchiladas are fucking awesome and 2.) working out fucking sucks. Unless, of course, I could do it all from the comfort of my favorite chair like on that 'Sit and Be Fit'. Unfortunately, my favorite chair actually happens to be my bed.

However, that being said, I did go on a date last week. Allow me introduce you to Bachelor #19. This fella is fresh off the boat from Scotland. Well, not really. He came here about 12 or so years ago. So that means awesome accent. It could also maybe mean a kilt which, I'm not gonna lie, intrigues me. awwww yeah...

Also, in most of his pictures he had the kind of facial hair situation that I’m into. So far so good! He & I started chatting on a Wednesday afternoon. Then we moved that party to text messages. He was very nice and for almost a full 24 hours he didn’t say anything that made me uncozy! That first day of talking we made plans to meet for lunch on Friday. By Thursday morning he had asked if I could meet with him that day because he didn’t want to wait another day to meet me. awww. Isn’t that special? Too bad I already had plans. So I agreed to meet him that night at the bar he works at on the east side. He asked me to get there early before it got busy so we could chit chat.

I got there. We met. He was very nice. More importantly, he hooked a sista up with the all-you-can-drink buffet. I had a hard time understanding him at first though. That Scottish accent, while fantastic, was also really difficult to decipher. At one point I just flat out told him that I’m having a hard time understanding him which he said was good to know because most people just sit there & nod their head. But after a while I kind of got the hang of it. I think watching 'Head of the Class' when Billy Connolly was the teacher helped to prepare me.

Anyway, he was quite nice but as we were talking I learned a few things about him that I wasn’t a major fan of. First, the bartender thing. Obviously I knew that about him already. I wasn’t in love, or even like, of that factoid from the beginning. Especially given that he’s 43. I know he started bartending when he lost his job 2 years ago. And I get that it’s a good part-time gig. But he didn’t seem too ambitious to get a full-time job. Or ambitious at all, by his own admission. Which, IMHO, he probably should be since he has an 11-year-old son. That, and he told me that his 2 years of unemployment was running out in 5 weeks and he can’t cut the financial mustard without it. Way to procrastinate, guy. The next ‘meh’ flag was the fact that he got this bartending gig because at the time he was dating the bar manager. They broke up about a year ago and she’s still his boss. And, bonus, she came into the bar while I was there. He told me he’s mad at her now so they’re not talking. That just seemed kind of weird. He made a few other comments that made me wonder how over the situation he was. Alright, next on the “things that make you go hmmm” list is the fact that he has a roommate. It was almost like I was dating a guy who was in his early-20s. And everyone who knows me knows that I barely wanted to have anything to do with 20-somethings when I was in my 20s. Now that I’m almost 40, I sure as hell don’t want anything to do with them or someone who is seemingly stuck there. Or has reverted there? Anyway, in a nutshell, nice guy but totally not somebody that I’d want to date and I’ll leave it at that. However, I’m sure if I stopped in his bar again I’d probably still get a free Spotted Cow. So I guess I get at least one consolation prize from this experience.

I’ve got tentative plans to go out with Bachelor #20 on Wednesday. Also, as I was having dinner with my friend on Saturday night and we were discussing how much dating sucks, I got an e-mail from someone who is actually super interesting to me. We e-mailed back & forth yesterday so we’ll see how that goes. However, I’m sure the e-mails from online daters will be fewer & more far between because I shut down half (2) of the sites I’m on and another 25% (1) are on their way to being obliterated. But I have a lot of doozies in my in-box right now that I am looking forward to sharing with y'all. Like the e-mail I got from the guy whose profession is "waiter/inventor" who told me he likes to paint with pastels and, oh... and he was in prison for 18 months for fraud. Great introduction! There was a loooot more to that e-mail too. I'll keep you in suspense on whether or not I responded.

Lastly, at brunch yesterday my friend told me about how she was once tricked into going on a date with some guy under the guise of a ‘group outing’, only to have it be just the 2 of them. I kindly thanked her for this bit of street smart savvy and said that I might be using this technique to rassle in the next 10 bachelors. I know a lot of dudes so it would be an easy way of pounding out the last few dates. Figuratively, that is. I aint no whore.

“Until next time, America!”  - Maury Povich

Mama Said Knock You Out... But First, Let's Diversity Your Portfolio

Intrigued, you are. (Yoda, anyone?)

I had lunch with Bachelor #17 the other day. He is a 40-year-old investment banker who lives and works downtown. We hadn't spoken on the phone beforehand but had e-mailed each other enough. He didn't get weird or inappropriate once. He also didn't suggest meeting at a Mexican restaurant. So, all good signs.

We met and our conversation went well; no awkward lapses. He's had some interesting things happen to him in his life. The one tid bit that I found most interesting was that he was a pro boxer a few years ago. I'd be willing to bet that there aren't too many CPA pro boxers out there. I wonder if he had some cool name like "Number Crusher" or "I'm Going To Make Your Pocket Protector Mah Bitch". Well, that last one's kind of wordy. Dang it, I should have asked him that. Anyway, I thought it was kind of cool that he became pro just a few years ago. So he was 38 and fighting 20-somethings. That takes a set of abacus beads to get out there and try something like that.

Artists' (my) rendering of what I think a CPA boxer would, or should, look like

Anyway, the turkey wrap and conversation were both good. He wasn't really what I go for in the looks department which isn't a deal breaker. I've dated people before where I wasn't necessarily attracted to them. However, their personality was intriguing enough to me where I developed an attraction over time. And while this guy was super nice I don't know if he fits into that category. He wants to go out again. I may give it a second round but we'll see.

I was supposed to go to this with possible Bachelor #18 last weekend:

World of Wheels 

Jealousss? Oh, you're not?

So, this guy & I had been e-mailing and talking for about 2 weeks. He started out seemingly normal. He was very nice... a little on the boring side though. He didn't really make me chuckle much, or at all, but nice enough.

Anyway, about a week before our date was supposed to happen I started to see some red-ish flags. He told me he'd gone to the hospital twice in two days with panic attacks and anxiety and how upset he was that they wouldn't give him his meds because he drove himself. Then he was telling me that he went to visit his family out of town and pretty much spent the entire weekend sleeping on their couch. Around that time he sent me some fairly needy & insecure texts that made those red-ish flags a little more vibrant. So, obvs this guy has some issues. Which, we all do. I'm really not judging him for what he seems to be going through. But I don't think I'm willing to pursue something with a stranger who already seems to need so much affirmation and attention. And rides to the hospital so he can be medicated. Needless to say, I nipped this one in the bud and decided not to go out with him. Damn it to hell. I really wanted to get my picture taken with Billy the Exterminator at the World of Wheels. I suppose I'll just have to hang out in the lobby of Batzner Pest Management and see if Jerry will let me snap a picture of the two of us.

Billy the Exterminator... you're out. Jerry Batzner... you're in.


I've got a few conversations going on with some other people. Nothing terribly interesting though. (Not to imply that anything up to this point has been interesting anyway.) I still have to go through some of the names of people my friends picked. I should do that soon. I don't have much on the horizon now and I could really go for a chimichanga...

Happy Fucking Valentine's Day

Well, here we are. Another Valentine’s Day where the best thing I’ll be getting is an e-mail from my ex-boyfriend with this picture of some random dude wheelbarrowing a Lay-Z-Boy that said “Happy Valentine Day”.

Cut to me killing myself. Then cut to me changing my mind because next week’s Real Housewives of Atlanta looks pretty good.

So, since I won’t be receiving any cards, flowers, candy, or anything crotchless, I’ll take out my frustrations on making fun of people.

My first target is this guy. Per his profile, this gent/gem says that he is good at “tickle-torture… you’ve been warned”. Um, I think the profile picture was my first warning. Oh and just look at that picture. I like a guy who takes the time to wear his best hooded sweatshirt for a professional photo shoot. I also like all the keys he has hanging from his belt loop. Could one be the key to your heart?

Et tu, pedo bear? This guy had about 10 pictures and in all of them (except this one) he was proudly displaying a puka shell necklace. Very Stan Zbornak. And in half of these pictures he was on full display with an excessive amount of guyliner. ("excessive" and "guyliner" does seem a bit redundant to me.) The whole thing confuses me. Meaning, how is this guy still single?

Now here's a guy that you can bring home to memaw and pepaw. He's just your average single dad of 4 and avid weed smoker. Oh, and he maaay have the middle finger tattooed on his head. I mean, you can't toss out EVERY guy who has a profane skull tat. We ladies would never date!

Meet LikesTrouble13. You know what he doesn’t like? Nair. Now, I don’t mind a hairy guy; in fact, I actually kind of like it. But this was his ONLY profile picture. Why wouldn't he have a picture of his face? Oh wait... o.k. I figured out why. According to his profile he's in a “sexless and dying marriage”. He'll be in town from Houston on an upcoming business trip and is looking for some meaningful and tender extramarital nookie. Jot me down for some of that never.

Moving on... here's a guy who evidentially loves to shop. I mean, 2 of his 3 profile pictures were in da (grocery) store. And you can tell that they were taken on different days and in 2 different stores. He seems really comfortable in the frozen food aisle. I like that in a guy.

Also, am I the only one who got Menudo's "At The Shopping Mall" stuck in their head when they saw these pics? What? I am?

A guy dressed as a baby...

Lupita the wolf spider...

Oh, then there's this picture that was on some dude's dating profile. I feel like I know him from somewhere. Like I've seen him on TV or something...

Oh, that's it. I must not have recognized him without his mustache.

aah... that made me feel better. Now I can go through the rest of the day not smashing my co-worker's roses on the floor while yelling "You don't deserve love!" I'm only kidding. I'm almost totally cool with being alone on a day like today and am happy for anyone who has found love or a comparable simulation.

But to anyone reading this, will you be my Valentine?

Ménage a Text

I kick-started my date-a-thon again and had my first official date of this round last Friday. Bachelor #16 contacted me online a few weeks ago. He was a really nice guy and we seemed to have a good amount in common. We spoke on the phone a few times and texted. A lot. But not because I was texting back necessarily. This guy was a way overtexter. And this is from a girl who loves a good text or 10. However, he would send a threesome of texts almost every time. Not just one, wait to hear back… send another. Nope. I learned very quickly to ignore the first text because 1 – 2 more would soon be on their way. And I was right. But, since he was a nice guy I decided to give him a chance in person. Only really quickly though so we had a pre-work coffee date.

Almost immediately I felt like I was on a really awkward job interview. He was asking me a lot of questions like where I see myself in a year/3 years, asking what my dating experiences have been (in detail) and implying a future together. He also used the term “special journey” which made me cringe a little. I know it’s these kinds of things that my friends & family hate hearing from me. They’d say “What’s the big deal?” Like when I tentatively decided to stop seeing someone because I saw that he had an excessive amount of bumper stickers on his car. There is a certain mentality to a human being who looks at a sticker and says “Yeah. About 7 – 10 of these would look great on my Neon.”  Sometimes small things like this are a turn-off.

I could tell when we met in person that, while he is very nice, he’s just not the one for me. The date was short and we had relatively good conversation so it was fine. He put me on the spot by asking to see me again and I said sure. I hate when guys ask that when you're sitting right in front of them. I mean, what am I supposed to say? But anyway, he sent me a text right after he left - he played it cool and only sent one. Then I got another threesome in the afternoon some time and then again later that night. He told me to call him when I had time because he “just wanted to talk”. That’s when I busted out my patented “It was really nice meeting you today but I just don’t feel a dating connection with us. But good luck to you!” He proceeded to send me 3 texts in a row that consisted of: 1.) "Whoa", 2.) “Seriously? Why not me?” and 3.) “What was it that I did or said?”. I felt like I was breaking up with someone I had invested actual time with. In fact, it was worse than breaking up with someone I had invested actual time with. Even the guy with the bumper stickers only sent 1, maybe 2 texts back. I just told him that I know pretty early on and could tell I didn’t feel chemistry between us. So he responds with “I liked you. So you’re not willing to give me a chance?” Well gee… if you like me then who cares how I feel? Sure. Let’s book a trip to the Poconos. At that point I asked him to please respect my feelings as I would if the situation were reversed. I got one more text from him and haven’t heard from him since. I know that was a bit of a rant but it was a little rough. But I still have about 14 more bachelors to go so I have to keep on.

But let's get to the real highlight of this second round. Last week I gave a handful of people the login & password to one of these sites I’m on. It’s a total trust fall move and I’m hoping they don’t judge me too harshly for my profile or for me having to resort to online dating. I kid because I know that ship has sailed. But anyhoo, the rules were basically to peruse the site and give me their top 3 picks (if they can find that many). Just give me their user names. I kept the criteria pretty open except that I had a set age range-ish, I didn’t want anybody who was separated and steer clear of anybody wearing a white belt in any of their pictures. Pretty easy, I think. Also, they are not to wink or e-mail anyone on their own.

At this time I’d like to give special props to my girl Erin.

She immediately set sail on the S.S. Clusterfuck and by the end of that same day I already had an e-mail sitting in my in-box from her with her top 3 picks. It was kind of like opening a Christmas present to read what she had to say. My favorite quote from her e-mail was “There are definitely some people (seemingly) with potential out there, but wading through the others is borderline exhausting (albeit entertaining). It reminds me of thrift shopping - there *might* be a Prada sweater on that rack somewhere, but you have to sift through hundreds of unattractive, pilled, maybe even moth-eaten sweaters just to find it.” So true. But Prada? At this point I’d settle for Croft + Barrow.

Since then I’ve gotten several more picks from my franns. I’ve reached out to 1 or 2 and I’ll get to the others if I decide I might be interested. But it’s been fun to see who they picked and read or hear their commentaries. I’m sure this experience will make my married friends appreciate their husbands even more. And my single friends… well, let’s pencil in meeting for Kool-Aid mid-May some time.