Well, here we are. Another Valentine’s Day where the best thing I’ll be getting is an e-mail from my ex-boyfriend with this picture of some random dude wheelbarrowing a Lay-Z-Boy that said “Happy Valentine Day”.
Cut to me killing myself. Then cut to me changing my mind because next week’s Real Housewives of Atlanta looks pretty good.
So, since I won’t be receiving any cards, flowers, candy, or anything crotchless, I’ll take out my frustrations on making fun of people.
My first target is this guy. Per his profile, this gent/gem says that he is good at “tickle-torture… you’ve been warned”. Um, I think the profile picture was my first warning. Oh and just look at that picture. I like a guy who takes the time to wear his best hooded sweatshirt for a professional photo shoot. I also like all the keys he has hanging from his belt loop. Could one be the key to your heart?
Et tu, pedo bear? This guy had about 10 pictures and in all of them (except this one) he was proudly displaying a puka shell necklace. Very Stan Zbornak. And in half of these pictures he was on full display with an excessive amount of guyliner. ("excessive" and "guyliner" does seem a bit redundant to me.) The whole thing confuses me. Meaning, how is this guy still single?
Now here's a guy that you can bring home to memaw and pepaw. He's just your average single dad of 4 and avid weed smoker. Oh, and he maaay have the middle finger tattooed on his head. I mean, you can't toss out EVERY guy who has a profane skull tat. We ladies would never date!
Meet LikesTrouble13. You know what he doesn’t like? Nair. Now, I don’t mind a hairy guy; in fact, I actually kind of like it. But this was his ONLY profile picture. Why wouldn't he have a picture of his face? Oh wait... o.k. I figured out why. According to his profile he's in a “sexless and dying marriage”. He'll be in town from Houston on an upcoming business trip and is looking for some meaningful and tender extramarital nookie. Jot me down for some of that never.
Moving on... here's a guy who evidentially loves to shop. I mean, 2 of his 3 profile pictures were in da (grocery) store. And you can tell that they were taken on different days and in 2 different stores. He seems really comfortable in the frozen food aisle. I like that in a guy.
Also, am I the only one who got Menudo's "At The Shopping Mall" stuck in their head when they saw these pics? What? I am?
A guy dressed as a baby...
Lupita the wolf spider...
Oh, then there's this picture that was on some dude's dating profile. I feel like I know him from somewhere. Like I've seen him on TV or something...
Oh, that's it. I must not have recognized him without his mustache.
aah... that made me feel better. Now I can go through the rest of the day not smashing my co-worker's roses on the floor while yelling "You don't deserve love!" I'm only kidding. I'm almost totally cool with being alone on a day like today and am happy for anyone who has found love or a comparable simulation.
But to anyone reading this, will you be my Valentine?
This post, as per ushe, is comedic gold. That guy in the Adidas sweatshirt looks like he could be the lovechild of Michael J. Fox and Janet Reno. Perhaps you were too quick to dismiss?
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