Mama Said Knock You Out... But First, Let's Diversity Your Portfolio

Intrigued, you are. (Yoda, anyone?)

I had lunch with Bachelor #17 the other day. He is a 40-year-old investment banker who lives and works downtown. We hadn't spoken on the phone beforehand but had e-mailed each other enough. He didn't get weird or inappropriate once. He also didn't suggest meeting at a Mexican restaurant. So, all good signs.

We met and our conversation went well; no awkward lapses. He's had some interesting things happen to him in his life. The one tid bit that I found most interesting was that he was a pro boxer a few years ago. I'd be willing to bet that there aren't too many CPA pro boxers out there. I wonder if he had some cool name like "Number Crusher" or "I'm Going To Make Your Pocket Protector Mah Bitch". Well, that last one's kind of wordy. Dang it, I should have asked him that. Anyway, I thought it was kind of cool that he became pro just a few years ago. So he was 38 and fighting 20-somethings. That takes a set of abacus beads to get out there and try something like that.

Artists' (my) rendering of what I think a CPA boxer would, or should, look like

Anyway, the turkey wrap and conversation were both good. He wasn't really what I go for in the looks department which isn't a deal breaker. I've dated people before where I wasn't necessarily attracted to them. However, their personality was intriguing enough to me where I developed an attraction over time. And while this guy was super nice I don't know if he fits into that category. He wants to go out again. I may give it a second round but we'll see.

I was supposed to go to this with possible Bachelor #18 last weekend:

World of Wheels 

Jealousss? Oh, you're not?

So, this guy & I had been e-mailing and talking for about 2 weeks. He started out seemingly normal. He was very nice... a little on the boring side though. He didn't really make me chuckle much, or at all, but nice enough.

Anyway, about a week before our date was supposed to happen I started to see some red-ish flags. He told me he'd gone to the hospital twice in two days with panic attacks and anxiety and how upset he was that they wouldn't give him his meds because he drove himself. Then he was telling me that he went to visit his family out of town and pretty much spent the entire weekend sleeping on their couch. Around that time he sent me some fairly needy & insecure texts that made those red-ish flags a little more vibrant. So, obvs this guy has some issues. Which, we all do. I'm really not judging him for what he seems to be going through. But I don't think I'm willing to pursue something with a stranger who already seems to need so much affirmation and attention. And rides to the hospital so he can be medicated. Needless to say, I nipped this one in the bud and decided not to go out with him. Damn it to hell. I really wanted to get my picture taken with Billy the Exterminator at the World of Wheels. I suppose I'll just have to hang out in the lobby of Batzner Pest Management and see if Jerry will let me snap a picture of the two of us.

Billy the Exterminator... you're out. Jerry Batzner... you're in.


I've got a few conversations going on with some other people. Nothing terribly interesting though. (Not to imply that anything up to this point has been interesting anyway.) I still have to go through some of the names of people my friends picked. I should do that soon. I don't have much on the horizon now and I could really go for a chimichanga...

Happy Fucking Valentine's Day

Well, here we are. Another Valentine’s Day where the best thing I’ll be getting is an e-mail from my ex-boyfriend with this picture of some random dude wheelbarrowing a Lay-Z-Boy that said “Happy Valentine Day”.

Cut to me killing myself. Then cut to me changing my mind because next week’s Real Housewives of Atlanta looks pretty good.

So, since I won’t be receiving any cards, flowers, candy, or anything crotchless, I’ll take out my frustrations on making fun of people.

My first target is this guy. Per his profile, this gent/gem says that he is good at “tickle-torture… you’ve been warned”. Um, I think the profile picture was my first warning. Oh and just look at that picture. I like a guy who takes the time to wear his best hooded sweatshirt for a professional photo shoot. I also like all the keys he has hanging from his belt loop. Could one be the key to your heart?

Et tu, pedo bear? This guy had about 10 pictures and in all of them (except this one) he was proudly displaying a puka shell necklace. Very Stan Zbornak. And in half of these pictures he was on full display with an excessive amount of guyliner. ("excessive" and "guyliner" does seem a bit redundant to me.) The whole thing confuses me. Meaning, how is this guy still single?

Now here's a guy that you can bring home to memaw and pepaw. He's just your average single dad of 4 and avid weed smoker. Oh, and he maaay have the middle finger tattooed on his head. I mean, you can't toss out EVERY guy who has a profane skull tat. We ladies would never date!

Meet LikesTrouble13. You know what he doesn’t like? Nair. Now, I don’t mind a hairy guy; in fact, I actually kind of like it. But this was his ONLY profile picture. Why wouldn't he have a picture of his face? Oh wait... o.k. I figured out why. According to his profile he's in a “sexless and dying marriage”. He'll be in town from Houston on an upcoming business trip and is looking for some meaningful and tender extramarital nookie. Jot me down for some of that never.

Moving on... here's a guy who evidentially loves to shop. I mean, 2 of his 3 profile pictures were in da (grocery) store. And you can tell that they were taken on different days and in 2 different stores. He seems really comfortable in the frozen food aisle. I like that in a guy.

Also, am I the only one who got Menudo's "At The Shopping Mall" stuck in their head when they saw these pics? What? I am?

A guy dressed as a baby...

Lupita the wolf spider...

Oh, then there's this picture that was on some dude's dating profile. I feel like I know him from somewhere. Like I've seen him on TV or something...

Oh, that's it. I must not have recognized him without his mustache.

aah... that made me feel better. Now I can go through the rest of the day not smashing my co-worker's roses on the floor while yelling "You don't deserve love!" I'm only kidding. I'm almost totally cool with being alone on a day like today and am happy for anyone who has found love or a comparable simulation.

But to anyone reading this, will you be my Valentine?

Ménage a Text

I kick-started my date-a-thon again and had my first official date of this round last Friday. Bachelor #16 contacted me online a few weeks ago. He was a really nice guy and we seemed to have a good amount in common. We spoke on the phone a few times and texted. A lot. But not because I was texting back necessarily. This guy was a way overtexter. And this is from a girl who loves a good text or 10. However, he would send a threesome of texts almost every time. Not just one, wait to hear back… send another. Nope. I learned very quickly to ignore the first text because 1 – 2 more would soon be on their way. And I was right. But, since he was a nice guy I decided to give him a chance in person. Only really quickly though so we had a pre-work coffee date.

Almost immediately I felt like I was on a really awkward job interview. He was asking me a lot of questions like where I see myself in a year/3 years, asking what my dating experiences have been (in detail) and implying a future together. He also used the term “special journey” which made me cringe a little. I know it’s these kinds of things that my friends & family hate hearing from me. They’d say “What’s the big deal?” Like when I tentatively decided to stop seeing someone because I saw that he had an excessive amount of bumper stickers on his car. There is a certain mentality to a human being who looks at a sticker and says “Yeah. About 7 – 10 of these would look great on my Neon.”  Sometimes small things like this are a turn-off.

I could tell when we met in person that, while he is very nice, he’s just not the one for me. The date was short and we had relatively good conversation so it was fine. He put me on the spot by asking to see me again and I said sure. I hate when guys ask that when you're sitting right in front of them. I mean, what am I supposed to say? But anyway, he sent me a text right after he left - he played it cool and only sent one. Then I got another threesome in the afternoon some time and then again later that night. He told me to call him when I had time because he “just wanted to talk”. That’s when I busted out my patented “It was really nice meeting you today but I just don’t feel a dating connection with us. But good luck to you!” He proceeded to send me 3 texts in a row that consisted of: 1.) "Whoa", 2.) “Seriously? Why not me?” and 3.) “What was it that I did or said?”. I felt like I was breaking up with someone I had invested actual time with. In fact, it was worse than breaking up with someone I had invested actual time with. Even the guy with the bumper stickers only sent 1, maybe 2 texts back. I just told him that I know pretty early on and could tell I didn’t feel chemistry between us. So he responds with “I liked you. So you’re not willing to give me a chance?” Well gee… if you like me then who cares how I feel? Sure. Let’s book a trip to the Poconos. At that point I asked him to please respect my feelings as I would if the situation were reversed. I got one more text from him and haven’t heard from him since. I know that was a bit of a rant but it was a little rough. But I still have about 14 more bachelors to go so I have to keep on.

But let's get to the real highlight of this second round. Last week I gave a handful of people the login & password to one of these sites I’m on. It’s a total trust fall move and I’m hoping they don’t judge me too harshly for my profile or for me having to resort to online dating. I kid because I know that ship has sailed. But anyhoo, the rules were basically to peruse the site and give me their top 3 picks (if they can find that many). Just give me their user names. I kept the criteria pretty open except that I had a set age range-ish, I didn’t want anybody who was separated and steer clear of anybody wearing a white belt in any of their pictures. Pretty easy, I think. Also, they are not to wink or e-mail anyone on their own.

At this time I’d like to give special props to my girl Erin.

She immediately set sail on the S.S. Clusterfuck and by the end of that same day I already had an e-mail sitting in my in-box from her with her top 3 picks. It was kind of like opening a Christmas present to read what she had to say. My favorite quote from her e-mail was “There are definitely some people (seemingly) with potential out there, but wading through the others is borderline exhausting (albeit entertaining). It reminds me of thrift shopping - there *might* be a Prada sweater on that rack somewhere, but you have to sift through hundreds of unattractive, pilled, maybe even moth-eaten sweaters just to find it.” So true. But Prada? At this point I’d settle for Croft + Barrow.

Since then I’ve gotten several more picks from my franns. I’ve reached out to 1 or 2 and I’ll get to the others if I decide I might be interested. But it’s been fun to see who they picked and read or hear their commentaries. I’m sure this experience will make my married friends appreciate their husbands even more. And my single friends… well, let’s pencil in meeting for Kool-Aid mid-May some time.

Another One Bites The Dust

I’m not seeing Bachelor #Crocs anymore. Even though I really liked him, enjoyed hanging out with him and, for a while, felt like there might have been potential. But ultimately, I just wasn’t really finding what I'm looking for. We'd hung out almost every weekend for months and I barely knew anything about him. It was strange. I didn’t get the sense that he was terribly emotionally available. At least not with me. Either that or he “just wasn’t that into me.” Maybe both? bah, I’ll never know. But regardless, it just wasn’t a Journey song (Plagiarized. Don’t care.) so we ended things. He's a great guy and to have found one relatively decent connection in the first half of my date-a-thon was a small success because I did have a fun time getting to know what I did of him.

Actually, now that I think of it, maybe it was a Journey song. This one:

I was really just trying to find an excuse to add something awesome and I luh me some Steve Perry. I’m also a huge fan of air keyboard so this video feeds both of my passions. Thanks, gang.

So anyway, I’ll continue to look for the one who wants to bring his ship into my shore. And throw away the oars. Forever. Cue additional awesome guitar solo and feathered mullet. Side note: I just watched this REO Speedwagon video for research as well. Holy shit that was cheezy and terrible. But if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: everything cheezy and terrible from the 70s & 80s is awesome. (I’m watching an Air Supply video now. This could go on all day.)

Focus, Toby! o.k. So, I’m staring down the barrel of the second half of this endeavor where I am requesting the assistance of my friends & family to help me do the picking. Both online and just in general with people they think might be awesome. Maybe they’ll be better at this than I apparently am. But I am getting the help of some really great people that I trust a lot and some of these people are in pretty great relationships themselves. So, unless they pick someone who has bedazzled crosses on the butt pocket of their jeans or wears Ed Hardy ANYTHING, things should be good.

I’m seriously considering making laminated ready reference cards for the people who will be helping to guide this second half. Something like:

He May Be Date-Worthy If…

He has a witty profile

His profile seems sincere

He mentions his dislike of Nickelback **

He uses the proper use of your, you’re, their, they’re and there

He doesn’t want any more kids

He appears to be generally kind and nice

He is wearing a shirt in every one of his pictures

His profile is primarily fairly optimistic (No Dennis Downers, please)

** Extra Bonus Points

Don’t Go There If…

He has a picture of himself either in front of a bathroom mirror or behind a dead animal

Has ‘How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days’ or ‘Maid in Manhattan’ listed as one of his favorite movies

Mentions necrophilia even once in the profile. I’m firm on this.

Lists his profession as “Magician”

He is missing even a single tooth

His doppelganger could be Jabba the Hut

Has been married more than: Once if he’s younger than 35 and twice if he’s older than 55

There is no profile picture. NO EXCEPTIONS.

He has the number 69 as any part of his dating profile name

I think this is a good start. And this list will also help weed out about 90% of the registrants. I don't think my friends & family realize the extent of the hot mess they've volunteered to wade through. I'm going to have to buy them all a beer when we're done with this. Or maybe a beer factory.

Cree-py Guys (clap clap)... They're stalking you (clap clap)...

That was to the tune of Hall & Oates' "Private Eyes" in case you didn't get that.

Anyway, this story isn’t really blog-worthy but it’s time for my weekly blog post so here you go.

The other day, ‘manofchase’ sent me the following message around 3:30 or so in the afternoon:

how are you doing ?I would like too meet you .lets talk ..

I didn’t respond because I had zero (0) interest. But then, at approximately 1:51 in the morning he follows up with:

how are you beautiful ?nice pictures with a great smile .I would like too meet you if that's okay with you lets talk my name is Sean..hope I hear from you soon ..

Naturally, I didn’t respond because of the aforementioned zero interest. Oh, and because I was fucking asleep. But, not to not be a ‘man of chase’, he sent me another message at 1 muther fuckin’ 54 in the morning:

I must say I love your dimples .share them with me..its a new year so let's get started .. ;-)

However, because I was bored at work when I read these follow-ups, I did take the time to respond by saying :

Really? 3 messages? Tip: Send one and then wait to hear back.

His response:

well hello how are you doing?my name is Sean .and I would like too take the time out and speak with you.if that's fine with you.

That really made me chuckle out loud. But not in the good way. What a creep. But not in the good way. First, if you sent someone a message and they looked at your profile and didn’t respond, there’s an 80% chance they’re not interested. So leave it alone. I suppose that’s why he calls himself man of chase though. I’d like to switch that up to 'man of wtf'? Or 'man of several restraining orders'. But I won’t be offering up those suggestions. I think I’ve said too much already. And this is totally not the first time that somebody has sent me multiple messages even though I didn’t express any interest or respond to their e-mails, winks, pokes, nudges, boinks, etc. It know it shouldn’t, but sometimes it astounds me how stupid and weird some guys are. And I realize I need to expand my horizons beyond these dating sites but the social scene in the winter of Milwaukee isn't that awesome. So, until the weather warms up or something interesting happens, I'm going to continue to share stories of the petri dish that is online dating.

So... wanna look at some pictures?

Here’s a guy who, not only does he not have any friends and go to any social engagements where picture taking was present, but he also clearly doesn’t even have a camera phone and/or bathroom mirror. Thus, scanning in his drivers license. And this was the *only* picture on his dating profile. And according to his profile he lives in Wisconsin now. At least get an updated license so we can see what you look like now, guy!

Here's a dirty guy with an even dirtier baby. I don't get why he thinks this would appeal to any woman. I'll keep this guy in mind though if there's ever a revival of Deliverance that I've got my heart set on going to.

Now this... this is a guy after my own heart. He loooves eating pie. I would block his eyes out but since he so proudly posted this article with his name attached, there's really no point. However, it's really not a good idea to put your name out in the public like this. Especially when some people have boring jobs and a lot of spare time.

Maybe not the most riveting blog post but a post nevertheless. Enjoy it or don't. The choice is yours. (But if you don't like it, I'll die a little on the inside.)

Here. A Blog Post.

There’s really nothing to discuss but I am trying to post at least once a week to keep my blog fresh. [sarcasm] And I haven’t really spent much time trolling the sites that I’m still on for losers to make fun of. That reminds me, I need to troll dating sites for losers to make fun of.

I also haven’t been dating much the past few weeks. Or, at all, sans the time I’ve still been spending with Crocs, I mean Bachelor #8. We have a good time together. Not sure it will lead anywhere though. It’s kind of awkward to write about since he does read my blog. But I suppose I have no one but myself to blame for that faux pas. Anyway, it’s pretty good. I quite like him. We get along rather well. There are some red-ish flags but since we both seem to enjoy one another’s company, I’ll give it some time. Because the fact is is that only time will tell. Moving on already.

I was recently pushed by a co-worker to get back into the dating game because she is and she wants someone to compare notes with. So, because of that, I did pinpoint when I would be starting my Tour of Turds Part Deux. I’ve decided to get back into it mid-February. Valentine’s Day to be exact. Because we all know that VD and dating go hand in hand. Like a clap.

So, I’m going to go back on some paid sites. I might even try out a site for people who allegedly kind of mean business. Not that I’m looking to get married or anything any time soon. But I don’t want to waste time either. I'm not just doing this to get free enchiladas. I really would like to find someone to grow even older with and I want to lock them in before I get too many wrinkles.

With this round, I am having some of my closest friends & family do some picking for me. I’m giving them the passwords to at least one of my accounts and have them make some selections. (Or, set me up with guys they think would be a good fit for me.) Since, as I stated in an earlier blog, my sister thinks my “picker” might be off. Which, I can admit, could probably maybe possibly be a valid-ish-ey point. But it will be interesting to see who they think would be good for me.

So there you have it. A blog post and an amusing photo. What more does one need? Maybe some interesting content, sure. But that’s not going to be happening today. But now you're all updated on when I'll get back into the TLB of it all.

Men Like Dead Things!

I like to find commonalities in mens' dating profiles and make fun of them. I hope this doesn't get old because I could do this all day. Today's feature is men posing with dead animals. There's a lot of this on the profiles of single mens. No comprende. I mean, I like to fish. Therefore, I have touched many dead fish. But even if I did pose with a picture of my newly acquired catch, I would never think to post it on a dating profile. I suppose it probably goes back to the caveman mentality that, unfortunately, so many men still hang on to. But I'll digress. Let's look at some pictures of men and dead stuff!

Man pose with stinky crab. Eat crab. nom nom nom

Next, here's a guy and a little dead fish throwin' up the peace sign.

Now this is more like it. A guy with an even BIGGER dead fish. Bigger fish = bigger penis. It's science.

Let's move on to dead fowl. Guy with a dead turkey... I've seen this a million times on these sites. Booooring.

Now here's a switch. Several men and several dead birds. Nice change of pace, fellas!

And here's just a guy posing with his puppy and a frozen turkey. Alright.

Let's see... What else? Oh. Now this one is my favorite. Nothing says 'eligible bachelor' more than a guy with a picture of himself and a crispy pig's anus. mmmm... This was his main picture, by the by.

Not to get off-topic but he also had this picture on his profile. It was a work of art he made in high school, apparently. I don't get why anyone would even think to add something they made in high school when they're 40 years old. I made my son when I was in high school and I would never post pics of him on a dating profile.

This is kind of related to the dead things topic. It's just a guy with his face being unzipped. (Again, a main profile picture.)

So that's it. As I said, I noticed that guys tend to do this so I started lurking for supporting pictures. It really only took me about 20 minutes to pull all these together because they're everywhere. And I didn't even use all of the ones I found. I did, however, also come upon this picture with very optimistic caption. This *kind of* applies to the whole dead things topic because his dream, like a pig's anus, will one day be nothing but a charred pile of ashes. (I kid. Really, I do.)