Steaming Turd of the Day

So, one of my favorite web sites features a “Hot Slut of the Day” every day which pretty much features some of the world's most outstanding F-list celebrities and general hot messes. This inspired me to steal his idea and occasionally put the spotlight on some of the turdish profiles or e-mails that I get from online dating sites on a regular basis. They are plentiful and, since these gentlemen spent so much time on their profiles, why should they not get the recognition they deserve? May I present to you today’s Steaming Turd of the Day…

Today’s STOTD is Dennis from Milwaukee. He likes road bikes, art, drawing, painting, baking, swimming, camping and running. Wow does he sound like a catch! His profile starts out with…

“Picture This!!! You have spent countless hours searching for him. You join on-line dating sites, going out with friends who set you up on blind dates, searching Craigslist, Yahoo Personals, Match and every other site you can think of everyday trying to find the right one. But you have not found him.” My, he certainly does paint a picture. But he loves drawing so that should come as no surprise. And yes, that’s how I spend countless hours every day. Trolling the internets looking for the man of my dreams. Also, let’s just address the elephant in the room… who goes on craigslist looking for their soul mate? Yeah, if you want to get your swirl on with a prostitute, then that site is prefect. But really… craigslist? Moving on.

“In he walks, searching the same places you do but your paths never crossed. He is tall with beautiful brown eyes and a wonderful smile. Simple but sophisticated, successful, outgoing, laughs at all your jokes and makes you laugh. He is spontaneous, adventurous and has a passion for travel. He has a heart of gold and does not let the little stuff bother him. He is a friend, a lover and a shoulder to lean on when you need it.” “He sends you a card just to let you know he is thinking of you, he send flowers for no reason, he calls just to say hello. As the day’s move on you learn about each other, you learn about all the passions he and you hold in your hearts. You learn to dream with him and your dreams include him as his include you. Today the search has ended and a new life has begun…… “

Check, please!! I’m in love! But wait, there’s more…

He continues to fill his profile with flowery masturbatorial bullshit and even features a love poem. I would include it but it is just so fucking lame. I mean romantic. It’s super romantic and I have fallen for him hook, line and sinker. I feel as though if I’ve fallen in love with him before I've even met him. It’s kismet. We’re meant to be, I just know it! He contacted me, I’ve read his tender words of beauty filled with sincerity and love. It’s time to make the next move.

As I read on, his profile describes his perfect first date. The first date where I know we will lock eyes and, from that moment on, spend the rest of our lives enveloped in love. What is his perfect date? I can't wait to find out. Just one word but filled with so much meaning and passion:

“handjob”

That’s right. After all this lameity (it’s not a word but I’m going with it), his perfect first date is “handjob”. I thought he couldn’t have been more appealing to me. Turns out he’s not.

I usually reserve hand jobs for a 5^th date so clearly this isn't going to work. Looks like I’ll have to get back on craigslist and continue my search. So close...

About Last Wednesday...

I know I need to update this more often.

Anyway, last Wednesday I had a date planned with Bachelor #8 but I had forgotten that I had a dentist appointment right after work. No biggie since he & I weren’t supposed to meet until 7:00. Howeverrr… when I got to the appointment ‘ol dude (the Dentist) told me they’d have to numb my mouth for the procedure. I was totally not expecting that. I told him about my delicate condition (i.e. I had plans to meet a complete stranger in 2 hours) and he gave me the option to reschedule. But I figured good oral health is more important than a date. I texted B#8 and told him I’d let him know how I felt about meeting out later when I was done. Fast forward 30 minutes and I was out the door. I couldn’t feel most of the right side of my mouth but I could still talk so I decided to proceed. I really want to get to the 1/3 mark soon. Anyway, he was very nice about everything and said that he’d drool with me if need be and we kept our plans.

I actually don’t have anything negative to say about this guy. He was really funny and smart. He said “Let’s talk about politics.” which I love doing. We discussed religion, morality, Three’s Company and past relationships. It was a really interesting conversation and he was generally a really nice guy. He wasn’t wearing Crocs, he had a button-up shirt on and didn’t overshare about the health of his cats. All in all, one of my better dates.

We kept in contact throughout the week and yesterday hung out and watched the Packers game together. They’re now 7-0. what whaaat? Anyway, when I got to his place to watch the game he greeted me at the door with……. Crocs. He. Was wearing Crocs. Yeah, I hear they’re very comfortable and hypoallergenic. But I don’t give a fuck. They’re visual assault. He wore them intentionally because we had discussed at some point in the week how much I hate them. It was amusing but that doesn’t deter from the fact that he actually does own a pair. I suppose if he & I keep talking it might be something I can overlook. And by overlook I mean burn.

But it’s too early to tell what will happen so in the meantime, I’m lining up some other things.

GO PACK!

Nein Knackwurst

I went on a second date with Birkenstocks last weekend. We met out for drinks. It was fine. We had great conversation and generally a fun time. He did bring up some of the fine products that come from Germany: Mercedes-Benz, some fancy knife thing and yes, of course, Birkenstocks. I’m willing to bet this guy likes him some David Hasselhoff. Since this is a short blog post, I’ll insert a picture here:

There’s really not much else to say about it. Overall, it was a pretty good date. Howeverrrrr…. when we walked out I went in for the handshake/hug. It was so awk. I literally said “Uh, what are we doing here?” That’s when he mauled me like a fucking grizzly just coming out of hibernation. Or something unwelcome and aggressive. He asked me to drive him to his car and I said yes. (Yeah, I know.) When I dropped him off it was wash, rinse, repeat. Additional mauling. I informed him to put back anything he had taken out and be on his way since that was really more of a third date thing. Which will not be happening. He texted me a couple days later saying that he hoped I had a good weekend. It was great, thanks. My tongue had to undergo some minor reconstructive surgery but we’re all better now.

That’s about all I have to write about. Things were slowing down for me for a bit there but now they’re picking up again. I don’t have anything planned except for a date tonight. This one is with a guy who 5’ 6”. A friend of mine came over to my desk this morning and asked to see his profile. She went over it with a fine tooth comb and said to me in a very serious way: “O.K. See here? Now, he’s short so be prepared for that.” Like I was about to walk into a situation where he had a goiter on his face. It was pretty humorous. I hadn’t noticed that about him and it’s really not an issue for me. I’m less than 5’ 3” myself. But it did spark a heated (not really though) facebook debate on whether or not I should wear the 5” platform shoes I was planning on wearing. I will. Things seem to be working out well for Casey and Jean Kasem. Why mess with a good thing?

Wham! Bam! No Thank You, Ma'am.

Last night we went speed dating. Where to start? wow. What a bunch of losers. I'm (partially) kidding. It was a very interesting experience though. When we got there everyone awkwardly waited around in this little bar area. We all knew we were there for the same reason. Trying not to make uncomfortable eye contact juuust yet. Save that awkwardness for when it starts! Eventually we were ushered into the table area. Let the games begin.

The first guy was a trial attorney who was sweating pro-fusely. If he sweats this much at a relatively casual social function then imagine what he must be like during a trial. Bring an umbrella.

The next guy was visibly uncozy too. It was fairly obvious to me that he had a list of questions that he had pre-planned. Which, actually, isn’t the worst idea if conversation isn’t flowing.

The first thing the third guy said to me was “Toby? The only Tobys I’ve ever met were men.” Uh… okay. He was really awk with a splash of creepy. He also had a completely brown thumb nail that distracted me. With almost every single guy I could easily talk to them for the allotted 6 minutes. With this one, it was a stretch. He told me about his recent move & how he was randomly finding things in boxes that weren’t marked correctly. Can you believe that? Don’t stop. Tell me more! He said “You won’t even *believe* what I found in my suitcase!” I was thinking “That dead hooker you misplaced?” But no. His TOOTHPASTE!! o.m.g. Wild and wacky stuff. And I just remembered this nugget: he told me how he'd done speed dating once before but that time it was at the Greater Milwaukee Auto Show. And instead of moving from table to table they went from car to car. Isn't that a hoot? Next, already.

Let’s see… there was a guy from Jordan who was wearing an extremely tight Abercrombie polo. He told me he was 34. He told my friend he was 33. Actual age? I’m guessing somewhere in his early 40s. He asked me if I wanted any more kids. I gave that a resounding hell to the no. I asked him if he wanted kids and he said “I don’t know. I don’t really think about it much.” However, when comparing notes with one of my friends who I dragged along for the ride, she said he told her he wanted at least 1 kid, maybe 2. Just goes to show, people will tell you whatever they think you want to hear. We don’t know each other. If you want kids, you want kids. Why lie about something like that? It’s not like there’s a wedding officiant waiting in the wings who is ready to marry us as soon as the speed dating event planner gives a nod of the head.

There was a guy from the Ukraine who totally looked like a 5’ 8” elf, there was a very heavy mouth breather in a corduroy blazer and turtleneck who said “um” approximately, um, 100 times in the 6 minutes, a guy who made the point to inform me that he owns the #1 largest used motorcycle dealership in the U.S. Congratulations on all your success, guy. Why are you here? But really, almost all of these guys were nice people though. Some creeps, some norms. Just like in real life.

So, at the end of the night you mark who you are interested in and who you never want to see again ever in your life. Then the event planner tallies everything up & e-mails us the results. Out of the 9 guys, 5 expressed interest. Out of the 5 that expressed interest, I’d maybe go out with 1.

But, no matter what, I have to give everyone propers who got out there to experience this. It can be fairly awkward; for some more than others. But they went beyond their comfort zone to meet new people so I have to give them credit for that. And thank you to my girls who came with me on this jaunt. And thanks to my other girls who met us out afterwards for the brutal post-game bashing.

Let’s do this again…

Excuse me, sir... which way to Bethlehem?

I’m way behind in this blog. I’ve had 2 dates since my last post & haven’t written shit. I knew I wouldn’t have much to say about Bachelor #5 because, well, there’s not much to write. He’s a nice guy. Conversation was pleasant. He wasn’t at all weird but he was pretty reserved. Aesthetically he’s not my type but he’s really nice. The margarita was good as was the chimichanga. And that’s not a euphemism. It was a fine date with a nice guy who, basically, isn’t my type. Not much else to say.

I met Bachelor #6 at yet another Mexican restaurant. My third visit to one in 5 days. Here’s one thing I’ve learned since this experience started: men like enchiladas. But anyhoo, this guy was also very nice. Not overbearing or douchey at all. Again, in the looks department he’s not what I’d go for but I’m sure these guys aren’t all looking at me like I’m the next Kathy Ireland. He actually looked like Dana Carvey now that I think of it. Anyhoo, we met, he ordered a beer and I got a margarita. We chatted. He ordered another beer. And then another. And then another. I got a second margarita and he ordered another beer. And then he ordered another beer. Seriously this guy probably had 10 beers in the 2 hours we were talking. But that wasn’t the shocking part. At one point, he got up to use el baño when what to my wondering eyes should appear? Jerusalem Cruisers. Birkenstocks. (Cue record scratch sound effect.) Not an attractive shoe especially for October weather. At least he wasn’t wearing socks with them? Anyway, regardless of that, he is a really nice guy, has a good job, owns his own home, totally stable. A refreshing change. I can take him shopping for better footwear so that's not a deal breaker. So far this is the first guy I’d consider going out with a second time. But I’ll have to keep my eye on that cerveza intake.

Really, uneventful dates. Which is probably why I procrastinated for so long writing about them. Ho hum.

Tonight, however, is the speed dating adventure. I cannot wait to see what this is going to be like. Honestly, I have no idea who would actually do a speed dating event. I mean, yeah I’m doing it but only for the sake of “research”. Yeah, research. I’m guessing there’s going to be a lot of cheezeballs which will be fun observe. And also, I’m totally counting this as a date so it’s going towards my goal of 30. Bachelors #7, here I come. Wear your fancy Birkenstocks.

A Piping Hot Cup of WTF?

Snooki. Carrot Top. Chriss Angel. Greg Giraldo.  Just to name a few. Of the names Bachelor #4 dropped on our coffee date last night. And for good reason. He has Carrot Top and Chriss Angel’s managers' phone numbers saved on his phone! On his phone!! He can call them any time he wants. So, if anyone has a block party coming up and you have an extra $780 in the budget, this guy can probably help book them for your party.

But now that I’ve got you fully intrigued and probably checking your savings account for your available balance, let me start from the beginning. I had been e-mailing this guy on & off for a couple weeks. Again, seemed pretty normal. But that’s easy to do in a controlled environment. aka e-mails and texts. People have time to think about what they want to say in those venues. But you really get to know someone when you meet them in person and the shit just starts flying out of their mouth. So, after we meet and I PAY FOR MY OWN HOT CHOCOLATE, we sit down. He almost immediately starts telling me his entire life story. How he’s been moving around the country for the past several years to stay employed, how his wife told him she wanted a divorce 2 weeks after he finally moved back in with her and their kid, how he pulled a 1-8-7 on his wedding ring with a shotgun. You know, the usual. Obviously he also threw in the extremely famous F-list celebrities he had the pleasure to meet when he worked in Vegas. Just in case you forgot…

I found out that he & his old lady were just recently separated. This guy is smart to put himself on a dating site right away. It’s always good to seek out a potential new relationship when the pain of a failed marriage is still fresh. Oh, and also when you’re 38 and living with your mother. Additionally, he told me that he tried the stand-up comedy career for a while. Now I get why he was unemployed. He was very over-the-top with his mannerisms and punch lines (if you can call them that). He also started chatting me up about cocaine. Super normal first date conversation. He’s like “You know you’re hooked when the white lines of the football game you’re watching on TV start looking good.” LOLOLOLOLOL. And then there was the guaranteed laughable “I don’t do cocaine. I just like the smell of it.” Well, that one actually did make me laugh. He was cheezy and gross and divulged tmi.

So, just to backtrack a bit, when we made these plans he asked what my schedule was. I told him I was free for lunch or dinner on Saturday. To which he said “I’ll see your Saturday and raise you coffee tonight.” Uh, o.k. I took that to mean let’s meet for coffee instead of meeting on Saturday which was fine with me. So when the date was over he said "I had a great time. I’d really like to see you again.” I was like “Yeah, sure.” I mean, what am I supposed to say on the spot? He suggested Saturday. I told him that I thought he meant tonight instead of Saturday & that I had already made plans. He was like “Wow. You’re blowing me off already?” Well, get used to it guy because I sense that will be a pattern here as long as you keep asking to hang out with me. At least until I outright tell him I’m not interested which I will always do with someone. I keeps it real but in a nice way.

Needless to say, he followed up by sending me some random texts about blowing him off which were annoying but then added me as a “Favorite” on the site we met on. I wonder how long until I lose that prestige.

Bachelor #5 is tonight and #6 on Thursday. I wonder if any of these men will have the connections that last night’s date had. I’d really love to have Alfonso Ribeiro show up at my next birthday party and teach all my friends these amazing dance moves!

10% Completion (Read that in a computerized robot voice)

Bachelor # 2 was with a guy who was I had been texting with for about a week & a half or so. He was really funny & quick-witted so I thought it would be a good time. He had told me the day before our date that he had a tooth pulled that day so I was surprised he didn’t cancel. I probably would have. Anyway, I get to the restaurant/bar at the appointed time and saw him. He was a shawtie which is fine because so am I. However, I had some 5” heels on so I was about his height. But looking at him, I couldn’t help but think “I bet this is what it would look like if Chaz Bono & Dennis the Mennace mated.” He had on a button-down shirt that was way too big on him plus he was wearing a backwards baseball hat and jelly bracelets. Really? You’re 35 years old and you’re on a date, guy.

Of course, this is probably what he’s most comfortable with and this is who he is so far be it for me to judge him. Just kidding. I’m going to judge him. But just not harshly because I’m really nice like that. I suppose it’s fine. It’s just not my cup ‘o tea. Anyway, I get there and he almost immediately tells me that he’s hopped up on the Vicodin juice and that beer he just drank did not help the situation. He informed me that his dentist told him he wasn’t supposed to drink for several days. By this time he was already on his second beer (we were still just even waiting for our table, mind you.) and then the bartender gives us a complimentary shot of gin. So we finally sit down to dinner and I don’t know if he was just so out of it or what but it was like pulling teeth (I guess this is a theme) to make conversation with this guy. Also, we were at a restaurant with a(n awesome) polka band playing at full blast so it was hard to have conversation anyway. It just surprised me because he was so interesting on the celly and kind of a dud in person. But I know there could be a few factors at play. First dates are never awesome in the beginning, he probably wasn’t feeling well just having had a tooth pulled and then probably the biggest factor was that he was cranked out on prescription meds and alcohol. Eventually, I was able to extract some conversation from him. Thankfully or I would have never known that he’s been wearing the same pair of shoes almost every day for the past 7 (seven) years. He’s had them re-soled, too, so he could keep wearing them. Can you imagine how bad those smell? Also, at one point he asked me if I could take my shoes off so he could see how tall he was compared to me. He’s a guy with height issues. So, we got through dinner and hung out talking for a bit until they kicked us out. He told me he wasn’t feeling well and asked if I’d drive him home. I was on my couch and watching my stories by 10:45.

I met Bachelor #3 out for dinner last night. He was driving a monster truck. Need I say more? o.k. I will. Like Friday night’s date he was also very nice but horrible in the conversation department. I tried to ask a bunch of questions to get him to talk but he didn’t elaborate much. I also found out that he has only been divorced for a month and that he & his ex-wife are “best friendzzzz". How nice. But I know what that means. My ex-husband was one of my “best friends” for a while too. wink wink. And maybe that’s not the case here, but I follow my intuitions and they’re usually right. We finished up dinner, he gave me a hug and walked to his monster truck. I sat in my car for a minute checking my phone. As he drove away in his monster truck he revved his engine and, at the same time, stole a piece of my heart. Git ‘r done!!

As a side note, I haven’t seen Bachelor #1 since our first date. I suspected he was somewhat of a player and my suspicions were confirmed so I just keep on keepin’ on.