Another One Bites The Dust

I’m not seeing Bachelor #Crocs anymore. Even though I really liked him, enjoyed hanging out with him and, for a while, felt like there might have been potential. But ultimately, I just wasn’t really finding what I'm looking for. We'd hung out almost every weekend for months and I barely knew anything about him. It was strange. I didn’t get the sense that he was terribly emotionally available. At least not with me. Either that or he “just wasn’t that into me.” Maybe both? bah, I’ll never know. But regardless, it just wasn’t a Journey song (Plagiarized. Don’t care.) so we ended things. He's a great guy and to have found one relatively decent connection in the first half of my date-a-thon was a small success because I did have a fun time getting to know what I did of him.

Actually, now that I think of it, maybe it was a Journey song. This one:

I was really just trying to find an excuse to add something awesome and I luh me some Steve Perry. I’m also a huge fan of air keyboard so this video feeds both of my passions. Thanks, gang.

So anyway, I’ll continue to look for the one who wants to bring his ship into my shore. And throw away the oars. Forever. Cue additional awesome guitar solo and feathered mullet. Side note: I just watched this REO Speedwagon video for research as well. Holy shit that was cheezy and terrible. But if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: everything cheezy and terrible from the 70s & 80s is awesome. (I’m watching an Air Supply video now. This could go on all day.)

Focus, Toby! o.k. So, I’m staring down the barrel of the second half of this endeavor where I am requesting the assistance of my friends & family to help me do the picking. Both online and just in general with people they think might be awesome. Maybe they’ll be better at this than I apparently am. But I am getting the help of some really great people that I trust a lot and some of these people are in pretty great relationships themselves. So, unless they pick someone who has bedazzled crosses on the butt pocket of their jeans or wears Ed Hardy ANYTHING, things should be good.

I’m seriously considering making laminated ready reference cards for the people who will be helping to guide this second half. Something like:

He May Be Date-Worthy If…

He has a witty profile

His profile seems sincere

He mentions his dislike of Nickelback **

He uses the proper use of your, you’re, their, they’re and there

He doesn’t want any more kids

He appears to be generally kind and nice

He is wearing a shirt in every one of his pictures

His profile is primarily fairly optimistic (No Dennis Downers, please)

** Extra Bonus Points

Don’t Go There If…

He has a picture of himself either in front of a bathroom mirror or behind a dead animal

Has ‘How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days’ or ‘Maid in Manhattan’ listed as one of his favorite movies

Mentions necrophilia even once in the profile. I’m firm on this.

Lists his profession as “Magician”

He is missing even a single tooth

His doppelganger could be Jabba the Hut

Has been married more than: Once if he’s younger than 35 and twice if he’s older than 55

There is no profile picture. NO EXCEPTIONS.

He has the number 69 as any part of his dating profile name

I think this is a good start. And this list will also help weed out about 90% of the registrants. I don't think my friends & family realize the extent of the hot mess they've volunteered to wade through. I'm going to have to buy them all a beer when we're done with this. Or maybe a beer factory.

Cree-py Guys (clap clap)... They're stalking you (clap clap)...

That was to the tune of Hall & Oates' "Private Eyes" in case you didn't get that.

Anyway, this story isn’t really blog-worthy but it’s time for my weekly blog post so here you go.

The other day, ‘manofchase’ sent me the following message around 3:30 or so in the afternoon:

how are you doing ?I would like too meet you .lets talk ..

I didn’t respond because I had zero (0) interest. But then, at approximately 1:51 in the morning he follows up with:

how are you beautiful ?nice pictures with a great smile .I would like too meet you if that's okay with you lets talk my name is Sean..hope I hear from you soon ..

Naturally, I didn’t respond because of the aforementioned zero interest. Oh, and because I was fucking asleep. But, not to not be a ‘man of chase’, he sent me another message at 1 muther fuckin’ 54 in the morning:

I must say I love your dimples .share them with me..its a new year so let's get started .. ;-)

However, because I was bored at work when I read these follow-ups, I did take the time to respond by saying :

Really? 3 messages? Tip: Send one and then wait to hear back.

His response:

well hello how are you doing?my name is Sean .and I would like too take the time out and speak with you.if that's fine with you.

That really made me chuckle out loud. But not in the good way. What a creep. But not in the good way. First, if you sent someone a message and they looked at your profile and didn’t respond, there’s an 80% chance they’re not interested. So leave it alone. I suppose that’s why he calls himself man of chase though. I’d like to switch that up to 'man of wtf'? Or 'man of several restraining orders'. But I won’t be offering up those suggestions. I think I’ve said too much already. And this is totally not the first time that somebody has sent me multiple messages even though I didn’t express any interest or respond to their e-mails, winks, pokes, nudges, boinks, etc. It know it shouldn’t, but sometimes it astounds me how stupid and weird some guys are. And I realize I need to expand my horizons beyond these dating sites but the social scene in the winter of Milwaukee isn't that awesome. So, until the weather warms up or something interesting happens, I'm going to continue to share stories of the petri dish that is online dating.

So... wanna look at some pictures?

Here’s a guy who, not only does he not have any friends and go to any social engagements where picture taking was present, but he also clearly doesn’t even have a camera phone and/or bathroom mirror. Thus, scanning in his drivers license. And this was the *only* picture on his dating profile. And according to his profile he lives in Wisconsin now. At least get an updated license so we can see what you look like now, guy!

Here's a dirty guy with an even dirtier baby. I don't get why he thinks this would appeal to any woman. I'll keep this guy in mind though if there's ever a revival of Deliverance that I've got my heart set on going to.

Now this... this is a guy after my own heart. He loooves eating pie. I would block his eyes out but since he so proudly posted this article with his name attached, there's really no point. However, it's really not a good idea to put your name out in the public like this. Especially when some people have boring jobs and a lot of spare time.

Maybe not the most riveting blog post but a post nevertheless. Enjoy it or don't. The choice is yours. (But if you don't like it, I'll die a little on the inside.)

Here. A Blog Post.

There’s really nothing to discuss but I am trying to post at least once a week to keep my blog fresh. [sarcasm] And I haven’t really spent much time trolling the sites that I’m still on for losers to make fun of. That reminds me, I need to troll dating sites for losers to make fun of.

I also haven’t been dating much the past few weeks. Or, at all, sans the time I’ve still been spending with Crocs, I mean Bachelor #8. We have a good time together. Not sure it will lead anywhere though. It’s kind of awkward to write about since he does read my blog. But I suppose I have no one but myself to blame for that faux pas. Anyway, it’s pretty good. I quite like him. We get along rather well. There are some red-ish flags but since we both seem to enjoy one another’s company, I’ll give it some time. Because the fact is is that only time will tell. Moving on already.

I was recently pushed by a co-worker to get back into the dating game because she is and she wants someone to compare notes with. So, because of that, I did pinpoint when I would be starting my Tour of Turds Part Deux. I’ve decided to get back into it mid-February. Valentine’s Day to be exact. Because we all know that VD and dating go hand in hand. Like a clap.

So, I’m going to go back on some paid sites. I might even try out a site for people who allegedly kind of mean business. Not that I’m looking to get married or anything any time soon. But I don’t want to waste time either. I'm not just doing this to get free enchiladas. I really would like to find someone to grow even older with and I want to lock them in before I get too many wrinkles.

With this round, I am having some of my closest friends & family do some picking for me. I’m giving them the passwords to at least one of my accounts and have them make some selections. (Or, set me up with guys they think would be a good fit for me.) Since, as I stated in an earlier blog, my sister thinks my “picker” might be off. Which, I can admit, could probably maybe possibly be a valid-ish-ey point. But it will be interesting to see who they think would be good for me.

So there you have it. A blog post and an amusing photo. What more does one need? Maybe some interesting content, sure. But that’s not going to be happening today. But now you're all updated on when I'll get back into the TLB of it all.

Men Like Dead Things!

I like to find commonalities in mens' dating profiles and make fun of them. I hope this doesn't get old because I could do this all day. Today's feature is men posing with dead animals. There's a lot of this on the profiles of single mens. No comprende. I mean, I like to fish. Therefore, I have touched many dead fish. But even if I did pose with a picture of my newly acquired catch, I would never think to post it on a dating profile. I suppose it probably goes back to the caveman mentality that, unfortunately, so many men still hang on to. But I'll digress. Let's look at some pictures of men and dead stuff!

Man pose with stinky crab. Eat crab. nom nom nom

Next, here's a guy and a little dead fish throwin' up the peace sign.

Now this is more like it. A guy with an even BIGGER dead fish. Bigger fish = bigger penis. It's science.

Let's move on to dead fowl. Guy with a dead turkey... I've seen this a million times on these sites. Booooring.

Now here's a switch. Several men and several dead birds. Nice change of pace, fellas!

And here's just a guy posing with his puppy and a frozen turkey. Alright.

Let's see... What else? Oh. Now this one is my favorite. Nothing says 'eligible bachelor' more than a guy with a picture of himself and a crispy pig's anus. mmmm... This was his main picture, by the by.

Not to get off-topic but he also had this picture on his profile. It was a work of art he made in high school, apparently. I don't get why anyone would even think to add something they made in high school when they're 40 years old. I made my son when I was in high school and I would never post pics of him on a dating profile.

This is kind of related to the dead things topic. It's just a guy with his face being unzipped. (Again, a main profile picture.)

So that's it. As I said, I noticed that guys tend to do this so I started lurking for supporting pictures. It really only took me about 20 minutes to pull all these together because they're everywhere. And I didn't even use all of the ones I found. I did, however, also come upon this picture with very optimistic caption. This *kind of* applies to the whole dead things topic because his dream, like a pig's anus, will one day be nothing but a charred pile of ashes. (I kid. Really, I do.)

Ohai-atus!

On Monday I went out with my first set up. Bachelor #15 is a guy that my cousin (and her mom) thought would be great for me. She said he’s very nice, he always has them laughing, he’s responsible. Sounds good. Sign me up.

He & I spoke on the phone several times. He was certainly nice and I suppose I chuckled a few times too. However, he sharted all over most of my ideas of 'fun'. When I asked him if he likes to go bowling he said “I actually hate bowling.” o.k. I told him that I really like going to Chicago and he said he didn’t like Chicago either. But then about a minute later he told me he’s never actually been to Chicago but “it just doesn’t seem like it would be my thing.” Here's a thought... how about you try something first before dismissing it, guy? There were at least 2 other things he gave the thumbs down to that I brought up. And that was just in our first conversation. He has a very narrow spectrum of what he does in his spare time. And, if that works for him, that’s fine. But I’m the total opposite. I just like to keep my options open and I would prefer someone with a like mindset. By the way, my cousin insists he was just doing this "to be funny". No. But even if that was the case, I don't get the "joke".

Additionally, he also used the word ‘FAIL’ (All caps. Usually followed by an 'lol'.) on me many times both on the phone and via text. Like when I said I still had Christmas shopping to do. And when I didn’t answer one of his phone calls. And when I said I hadn't been feeling well the day before. And when I said I didn’t know where I wanted to meet him for lunch. It got pretty old.

Basically, I knew I was not interested in this guy but I decided I’d still go out with him to appease my cousin.

So we met in person and he was a lot less… annoying? He was really laid back and nice. Of course, a little while into the date he told me that he was pretty well drugged up since he had been sick for a few days. This is the second guy I’ve gone out with since I started this thing that’s overdosed before the date. At least I didn’t have to drive this one home. [See: Bachelor #2 ]

But overall the date was fine. He works for my uncle’s company (where a lot of my family members work) so we spent some time catching up on the family gossip that I’m not privy to otherwise. There were definitely some lulls in the conversation so that aforementioned family gossip was a good thing to fall back on.

In a nutshell, very nice guy but we don't have much in common. Also, he wants kids and the thought of having more kids makes me violently ill.

So, with that I'm going to be taking a break from this self-imposed date-a-thon for a bit. I'm (moooost likely) taking down my online profiles and am going into hibernation for just a little while. But not too long. While this experience has been fraught with creeps and assholes, there has still been a lot about it that has been fun and an interesting learning experience for me. I have gone out with a few pretty cool people and, while none of them have worked out thus far, I still had fun. And if I don’t put myself out there, nothing good will ever happen. Or so they say, right? I'll still be updating my blog with some "observations" for the 3 people that read this. So fear not, while I won't officially be doing much dating for the next several weeks, I'll still be lovin', touchin' and bloggin'. (Full circle.) Namaste.

At The (Almost) 50 Yard Line

I went out with Bachelor #14 last Wednesday night. No surprise we went to a Mexican restaurant since chimichangas apparently enhance male testosterone levels or something. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 100 times: Gringos love Mexican restaurantes. (I’m short on ideas here so look at this picture.)

Anyway, B#14 & I had been e-mailing for a week or two. He's a defense attorney who grew up in Brooklyn, NY (so had a nice little accent). He also had a good sense of humor and was a really nice guy. He didn't get inappropriate at all during our e-mail exchanges which was nice. It's kind of sad when something fairly Captain Obvious becomes a plus.

We met in person and the conversation flowed really well. We had a lot to talk about and had some things in common. For instance, we were both kicked out of one of our high schools. Now, if that's not something to bond over, I don't know what is. Another plus was that he seemed interested in the things I was talking about, he asked me questions and actually listened to the answers. All good things. (More Captain Obvious.)

Again, a really nice date and an overall good experience. I told him that, with Christmas coming and me not having started shopping yet, the next few days would be really busy for me and I would probably be MIA. But that didn’t stop him from emailing me 13 TIMES over the next couple of days. I only responded to maybe the second or third e-mail but he just kept them coming. Holy crap. Good thing we never exchanged numbers because I can only imagine what the text situation would be like if I've gotten this many e-mails.

As nice as our date was, I didn't feel a dating connection with him so this is one that I will not be pursuing. Of course, the excessive e-mails clinched that. Also, I am taking that little break from dating. Well, with one exception. I had my first set-up yesterday. My cousin & her mom think they've got a great guy for me. I'll be the judge of that! Which works nicely because I'm super judgmental. I’ll be posting about that one soon.

When I Walk Into the John… It’s a Photo Shoot!

In case you’re one of the people who doesn’t get that reference (aka everyone), check it. Gucci Mane. Yeah, I’m hard core.

So, I’ve come to the very obvious conclusion that men love to take pictures of themselves in the mirror. Preferably the bathroom mirror; it’s a lot more roomy. It seems really bizarre to me but I do get enjoyment from these pictures. I find myself focusing more on what’s in the background or on their counters than I do of them. I think “Hmmm… he uses Scope. I bet he loves cats.” Or “Is that Suave *Professionals* I see in the background? He must be doing well for himself.”

What is with this mirror portrait phenomenon? Are these men reclusive? Do they not go to any functions or have any friends where they have at least one photo opportunity? I don’t know if women do this on dating sites. I’d imagine so. I’ve often thought about creating a fake dude profile so I could lurk on womens’ dating profiles to see the turdey stuff they do. Maybe for my next blog I’ll do some kind of Yentl-type shit.

Anyway, I’ve just been really noticing it lately so I thought I’d feature a few of my favorites. (These really are taken from the dating sites I'm on.)

o.k. here's a pretty basic picture. He's not trying to do anything fancy. He's not dressing up for the occasion. Lot of guys will switch up their hats or shirts. I imagine they call in sick to work and plan a whole 8-hour bathroom photo shoot. Not this guy. Hit it and quit it. Moving on...

This guy is taking things up juuust a notch. He's got the gangtsta lean, he upgraded the black t-shirt with some neon graphics of a shirtless man wearing a neck tie and then added a lime green watch. Nice touches, guy. What's that? A pinky ring? o.k. I see you...

This next fellow is funky fresh dressed to impress, ready to party. Except that he forgot his socks. But that's o.k. because he is woooorkin' it! I quite like the foot on the bathroom counter. Very editorial. I think Trya Banks would love the liberties he's taken with his poses.

And speaking of liberties, there's this one. As you can see, I've libertized (not a word. going with it.) my black square in what I believe is probably a very accurate portrayal. No doubt about it, this gentleman is looking for love. He'll be married, or in the porn industry, within a year.

This guy is once, twice, three times the Affliction. You've got our attention.

Then there's this guy. Trying to be coy and not look directly at the mirror. Oh what's that, telephone? You're taking a picture? I'm just over here watching CSPAN. Let me know when you're done. (But make SURE you get my ponytail in the picture or I'll scratch your eyes out.)

This isn’t *technically* a mirror picture. I mean, the production value is way better. But it does look like it was taken in a bathroom and it’s just so fucking festive I can’t resist.

I’m totally staying tuned to this guy’s dating profile. I can't wait to see what he does for Easter!