I Did It! 30 Bachelors!

My last bachelor of the blog. Hizzah! And remember all those nice things that Vanessa Williams sang about in "Save The Best For Last"? Yeah, well Vanessa's a damn dirty liar. Unless the topic of "cat eye herpes" is something that you're particularly interested in talking about - especially within the first 7 minutes of meeting someone. How about hearing more about that cat with eye herpes having its eye removed and rubbing it's sewn up eye socket on your arm? Can I get a show of hands for who wishes they were in on this conversation? Nobody? That's what I thought. This guy was an odd duck. Let's see... he's an avid game show fan. In fact, he has applied for almost 30 game shows. He did go to a Wheel of Fortune audition once when it was in Waukesha but didn't make the cut. He had a Skype interview in the works for some game show that's going to be airing in the next few months on a major television network. By the way, all the contestants Skype in for the actual game show too. Very cost-effective. You know, in this economy... I guess it's a show where average Americans are given topics and talk about their opinions. I'm sure it will be a light-hearted romp into the American psyche on important topics affecting U.S. citizens like the collapse of the banking industry, the issues with our educational system and cranial feline herpes. I'm looking forward to that. Especially if Bach #30 gets on that show.

What else? In addition to the random "woo hoo" he'd blurt out, he told me the story of how he used to live in a very small town. Well one night, just 2 short days after his wife of 7 years moved out, some random lady knocked on his door at 9:30 at night to introduce herself. They immediately started to date and he moved her and her and the 4 kids she had with 3 ex-husbands in shortly thereafter. So there were 7 kids in his house with 2 parents that had 5 exes between them. I bet this guy plays a mean jug. He told me that one of her ex-husbands (who was still technically her husband because they weren't divorced yet.) used to ask him if he's having fun fucking his wife. Sounds like fun. He also did some super awkward impersonations of people where, apparently, they all had buck teeth so every impression had an overbite.

Oh, let me just say that he & I met for coffee after work. He warned me right away that he is hyper-sensitive to caffeine. So I guess it was an awesome idea to take a first date out for coffee. Anyway, that proved to be the case fairly quickly because he got super jittery and weird(er) after about a half hour. He started looking around really paranoid-like when he was telling stories. Like if he was telling a story about his ex-wife, he'd look around to make sure she wasn't there. But there were only about 4 people at the Starbucks and I'm quite sure he would have noticed if the mother of his kids whom he lived with for 7 years was sitting there sipping a latte. He also started frantically sipping his drink every 10 seconds or so. It was just super odd. Anyway, fortunately I had plans that I had to get to and he knew that so that was a good reason to pull this:

So with that, he refilled his caffeinated beverage (because he apparently wasn't jacked up enough on the caffeine) and we bid adieu. I left there grateful to be done with this date and even more pleased that I will not be subjecting myself to any other date again for a long, long time. But I am glad that I did see this thing through and I learned a lot from this experience. I've probably got another post or two in me though. You know, like cat eye herpes, I just won't go away. me-ow!

When In Doubt, Talk About Dead Things

Bachelor #29 and I corresponded via internets and then spoke on the phone. He was very nice. We made arrangements to have lunch and let me pick where I wanted to go. Which meant no Mexican. He wore his fanciest adidas soccer sandals on the date. He spoke for the better part of 2 hours and didn't ask me anything about myself. We left. It's a wrap.

My date could have taken a queue from David here. He doesn't want to talk about himself. He wants to conversate our brains out, Aquarian goddesses.

The phenomenon of not asking someone - more specifically, me - anything about themselves - more specifically, myself - is quite prevalent among the dating community. I've probably mentioned this many times before. From my experience it's because a guy is is either completely self-absorbed and/or oblivious or because they are inexperienced daters or just nervous. It was really apparent that this guy was not the former. I was his first first date in probably 2 1/2  or so years so (he just got out of a 2-year relationship a few months ago) and I think he was just trying to avoid awkward silences. He was really nice and I could tell he wasn't a douche bag so, while I was a little put off, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Lord knows I need people to do that for me on a daily basis. I wasn't attracted to him, per say, but he did have a nice voice so if I had to listen to his stories for 2 hours, that helped. Anyway, because he seemed like a decent guy, I decided to go out with him again when he asked. I didn't want to write him off immediately and I figured I'd use this second date to gauge what my interest level was. We met for lunch and I guess he had told me everything he wanted to tell me on our first date because the conversation this time around was sparse. On this second excursion, we (he) discussed a plumbing repair he was making and that he needed to pick his bow up from the repair shoppe. I felt like we were an old ass boring couple sitting around Shady Pines watching Jeopardy that had nothing interesting to talk about anymore. Except that we never really had anything interesting to talk about ever. He & I never once discussed anything of substance like politics or which fictional TV planet was the best: Ork or Melmac. (The correct answer is Melmac.) I felt obligated to at least try to earn my salad so I wracked my brain to create conversation. I knew he like to kill things with a bow and arrow so at one point I asked him what part of the deer to hit with an arrow to kill it faster. That's what this date's topics had been reduced to. For the record, it's somewhere by the back of the something or other. Where the heart is. Even though I asked I apparently didn't pay a lot of attention to the answer. I think somebody walked past the window with a sequin shirt or something and I got distracted. Sparkly... Actually, what I truly got distracted by was him answering his phone for the second time in 20 minutes. Also, where to shoot an animal with a stick is not something I'll ever need to know. ooh... how ironic would it be if I some day I get lost in the forest and needed to kill a deer for survival? Boy would I feel like a jack ass for not having paid attention.

Scratch that. I just googled "deer anatomy" and I'm fine. And now you all are too. Happy hiking!

Anyway, we're just two really different people. And different can be a great thing if you both have things to talk about and find one another intriguing. But I just do not have any inclination to get to know him more.

So once again Cupid's arrow was a draw and a miss. But at least I have learned something new. If I'm ever confronted by a rabid Bambi, I'll know just where to stab it. I guess now I should start carrying a Swiss Army knife with me at all times. In hindsight, that's probably something I should have been doing for this entire date-a-thon. Although its probably best for some of these turds I've been out with that I wasn't.

Tor-sooooo Hot

On any given day trolling a dating site I will see more torsos than I've seen in person in my life. Men seem to love the strategy of luring us unsuspecting females into their den of inequity by dangling this fleshy carrot in front of our faces. heh... fleshy carrot. But golly gee this strategy is a solid one. 100% of the time I see someone's belly button I think "I can't wait until I can sip on mai tais with the rest of that body." So let’s tiptoe trough the torsos, shall we?. (That sounds so serial killer. But I think that's why I like it.)

Oh, and before I begin, people always ask where I find these pictures. I just want to let everyone know that these are all *local* guys that I see on the dating sites. All within my distance and age range. In a nutshell, this is the shit show from which I have to choose from.

Now that we've got that out of the way, let's start with Torso #1. No fuss, no muss. He's got an inney. Just your average every day torso that you took a picture of to post on your dating profile. Kewl.

Oh look, more mid-section! This one has gotten a little artistic with his body shot. The flash makes it look like his head is exploding. If only...

Keepin' it casual. Just leaning against the door holding my camera telephone. No biggie. But, yeah, I spent the last 4 hours plucking my nipples for this shoot.

Oh and by the way, this guy also gives you a back option sponsored by Z. Cavaricci lest you haven't fallen in love with the front:

There's this...

Just in case you missed that:

Nine teen fucking ninety? I believe that's like 22 years ago? I find it quite amusing that 'ol dude is posting a picture of what he looked like in his hay day. I wouldn't have the nerve to post a pic now of what I looked like when I was in my early 20s. Because I do not look like that anymore so it's a moot point. Also, he does not look like this anymore. But at least he did have some sense to post current pictures. Not all men give us ladies the courtesy of posting relatively recent images of themselves. Or pictures of themselves at all. Like the guy who has this as his dating profile image:

Yes, Rocky n Adrian... we should all be so lucky to find a love like theirs. Or to be able to run up all those steps like Rocky! I never actually saw that movie but those have always been my take-aways.

International Fail catalog? I'm ready for my close-up.

What the... how'd this one get in here? Just some guy pressing his ass up to the bathroom mirror to really entice the ladies. And I guess you do get some side boob/torso. Back that thang up and give me yo numba!

This guy likes to mess around at the gym. Oh, and sometimes people just so happen to take his picture as he's taking his shirt off. I can only imagine the fun they have in the showers!

This particular torso is precious because he's clearly snapping this pic in a public bathroom. Either that or he's rich as fuck and able to afford hand dryers installed on his bathroom wall. Only poor people use hand towels. But what's best about this public bathroom picture is that he pulled his pants down and is holding on to them. I hope he checked the cleaning crew schedule hanging on the door before he took this chance. Very daring!! Jot this guy down as a solid "maybe".

"For those who want this pic". What about those that don't want this pic? You're really not giving us much of a choice in the matter.

If this fella loves his country as much as he loves his stomach and his mom, I think I'm in love.

More public bathroom torso shots!!! I wonder if he goes to the gym with that other guy. Maybe take one another's pictures... slap each other with towels. This torso's got its towel hung low to get your tiny imagination going, manscaping but not too much manscaping. This guy's sure to sell fast.

By far the most uncomfortable torso shot I've seen:

But if that doesn't work for you, he's also interested in bowling, sky diving & fishing.

I seriously could go on and on with this torso douche parade. Do women take gratuitous boob shots & post them? Is that the equivalent? I'm guessing so but I can't be sure. But now that you're either thoroughly disgusted or thoroughly turned on, I think I'm going to call this one a day. I'll probably do a couple thousand crunches and set the flip phone to Camera. My dating profile could use a refresher. Fuck it. I'll just go in the bathroom and take pictures of my boobs. They're just sitting here doing nothing for society. May as well put them to use.