Square Peg(s)

This thought became a reoccurring theme for today’s blog so let’s just cut to the chase and not pretend any longer that this song isn’t the first thing that came to your head:

And if it didn't, then I barely knew you. So on to the first, and only, order of business: Bachelor #28. Dating site… yada yada… It’s not too infrequent that I get an e-mail from someone on one of these sites. But whenever I get the notification on my flip phone, I usually just ignore it until I can get in front of a screen with more than 12 pixels so I can fully assess their tribal tattoo and/or shaker sweater situation. I was pleasantly surprised when I got an e-mail from an actual attractive person with an interesting profile that also had 0 (zero) pictures of him in front of his bathroom mirror or holding a dead turkey. Or both. We began the process of emailing and he was able to carry on a good conversation. On more than a few occasions I’ve gotten e-mails from someone who had an amusing or worth-reading profile but then they were a complete dud in real time. Which leads me to believe that they had someone with an actual personality write their profile. But this guy had a great brain and was funny. So eventually we met in person. We have opposite schedules so we agreed to meet for coffee over my lunch hour. He dressed well. He was able to talk about actual things that aren’t boring like his highest bowling score and kite flying injuries. I had a good time. The bonus was not only did I enjoy talking to him but I also liked looking at his face. A combination as rare for me as spotting a chupacabra. In my back yard. Eating a burrito. While riding a unicycle. o.k. Maybe I took things too far with the unicycle. But I think we’re all clear on this, right?

We hung out a couple more times for coffee and lunch but eventually he decided that he wasn’t interested in pursuing anything other than a friendship with me. [insert that loser horn from the previous post.] I’m used to being the diss-er and not the diss-ee so it was definitely a bruise to the ego. I felt sorry for myself for a hot minute(s) because it is so frustrating when you meet someone you dig and it just doesn’t work out. But I got over that relatively quickly. We can’t all be everyone’s cup of tea no matter how fabulous we think we are. He is certainly entitled to feel the way he does and if it doesn’t work for him then that's way-o.k. with me. I'm sure I've said this before but I don’t have any interest in putting forth effort trying to fit anybody’s square peg into my round hole. Been there. Done that. It sucks. Won't do it again. However, we did still agree to be friends and actually had a really nice lunch the day after this friendship conversation. He seems like a pretty swell guy and I could see us being franns and if that’s the best I get out of this date-a-thon (free enchiladas not withstanding) then that’s not too shabs.

I was supposed to go on a date with Bachelor #29 this past weekend. He kept suggesting we hang out at his house for the date. I resisted the urge to tell him to go fuck himself because it was evident that fucking something was what he had in mind. But instead I politely turned his offer down. So he cancelled our date entirely. Obviously that was going to be my next move anyway but he beat me to the punch. However, there is hope. I have been contacted by a guy with a gigantic wolf mural on the hood of his truck, another guy posing *in* a port-o-potty and another whose interest was listed as "drawing women". (I smell a Christmas card rendering!) I bet this is what Jesse Jackson really meant when he advised us to keep hope alive. So, my search continues finding the right guy who has the perfect round peg for my perfect round hole. 

Great [Big. Really, Really Big.] Expectations

o.k. I've kept you in suspense long enough!! Or did you forget about my cliffhanger from my last blog post 6 months or so ago? Well nevermind then. I guess that plan backfired. Like so many other things in my life... my hopes, my dreams, my attempt at wearing royal blue skinny jeans... Now, what were we talking about? Oh yes. Let's get to it.

I happened upon Bachelor #27 on a dating site - of course. He had 2 profile pictures. One was from the neck up and he was very cute. The other was of him on a snowmobile and he was dressed in all black. (This information will be useful later on in the post.) He & I e-mailed back and forth quite a few times and he was super cool and interesting. Then we took that party to the flip phone. We had quite a bit in common and had great conversation. Aside from him referring to his and my kids as "shorties" 100% of the time, there weren't too many things that were a turn off. A bigger issue was the fact that he lives about an hour & a half away. So planning a time to meet up was not particularly easy. But after a couple weeks of exchanging communication we scheduled to meet up on a Friday night. Which was rather nice of him to drive an hour & a half away right after work on a Friday. Personally I would have said "fuck that noise" and gone home to take a nap.

Now here's where things get tricky. I was really looking forward to meeting this guy so it was much to my chagrin when I walked into the restaurant and saw a guy who was approximately 400 lbs. and I'm not even fucking around. In fact, I even did a google search on what a 400 lb. man looks like and I think my assessment is pretty spot on. I don't want to sound superficial but I was totally disappointed. In a nutshell, this is what I was thinking:

I know I'm a woman with a little extra junk in ye olde trunk but this was way over the top. Also, he was wearing Birkenstock sandals and believe me when I say that the straps on those things were being tested to their limits. His pictures were totally not representative of what he brought to the table. Oh, and speaking of tables, when we sat down in a booth he literally had to shimmy the table several inches in my direction to fit in. Also, his profile said "a few extra pounds". This was more than a few. I don't want it to seem like I'm trash-talking Louie Anderson's body double here but I just was not physically attracted to someone with so much... girth. In all the wrong places. But, despite all that, I decided to make the best of it. We actually had great conversation. We discussed shorties at length and he told me about the band he's in. He said that their band wanted to do live shows but he didn't want to do that until he loses 300 lbs. Yes, he totally said that. Anyway, despite being a very big guy he was still a pretty confident person. He had a good sense of humor and was really nice. After dinner we went out for drinks and hung out until bar close. Basically, it was a good date.

So therein lies the conflict. I met this guy who I thought was pretty cool but I was nowhere near attracted to him. And it is certainly not my place to ask him to stop off at the Bariatric Treatment Center on the way home from the combination Pizza Hut/Taco Bell. I want someone to accept me for who I am; flaws and all. That's what everyone wants, really, and everyone is certainly entitled to that. This was just too much for me though. I didn't jump the gun and kick him to the curb; he and I did continue to email and text for a few weeks afterwards. But between me not being sure if I would be able to move past the weight/attraction issue and him not living very close, it just fizzled out. And I'm o.k. with that. But, in the spirit of big men, here's an awesome backwards clip of Chris Farley. Totally a guy I would have let take me out for pizza and cranberry vodkas.

I'm just really excited to be about done with this dirty thirty dating thing. I am inching my way closer and expect to wrap up in the next 2 week or so. No cliff hangers this time though. Just some good 'ol fashioned blogging! (For another 2 weeks or so.)