This snippet right here should juuust about sum up my date with Bachelor #26:
This guy was a really nice person but he would *easily* score solid 10s in a dull competition. He’d probably even get some 11s and 12s. He could have just been nervous but that’s what liquor is for. So I would have assumed that the 5 PBRs he downed in a relatively short amount of time would have livened up his personality – if it, in fact, existed. Let’s get Angela Lansbury on the case. I kid… I wouldn’t want to do that to her. If she’s still alive, that is. Anyway, I tried really hard to extract conversation from him and, at times, he was able to form movements with his mouth and get words to come out. But it was not easy. He did tell me one story about how, two short years ago, he was married, owned a house and owned a semi-successful business with his best friend. But all that was lost when his wifey started spreading her love (and legs) to the best friend/business partner – and the best friend/business partner’s wife. Very sad and I felt bad for the guy. But kind of an interesting story nonetheless. Otherwise, most of the evening was spent looking around at stuff and, literally, talking about the weather. I feel like I’m pretty good at being able to engage in small talk and have the ability to schmooze with just about anyone. But this guy was making it really hard. And no, that is NOT what he said. Actually, if he had said that it would have been indication of a mild sense of humor.
Sadly, the best part (for me, at least, because I’m an asshole) was learning that he is an avid kite flyer but has not flown a kite since he fractured his rib while flying a kite a few months ago. Really? I’ve known people who have fractured ribs in snowboarding or football accidents but I’ve never heard of someone suffering an injury tossing a piece of fabric on a string into the sky.
Anyway, this date was so uncomfortable and brutal. After about an hour & a half of struggling to have a conversation he asked if I wanted to take our [world’s saddest] party to the outside patio. Actually no. I really do not. But, like an idiot, I said yes but that I had to go in about 20 minutes.I only made it 10 more minutes though. I take back that the kite flying story was the best part of the date. Me going home was the best part.
So anyhoo, I had a date with Bachelor #27 over the weekend. It was good but there's just one very large catch. But you will just have to wait to find out what it is. That's what we in the business call a "cliffhanger". So stay tuned...
I had a date with Bachelor #25 yesterday. This won’t be a terribly interesting post because he didn’t appear to be crazy. Plus, I kept it to lunch during the work day instead of drinks at night. That’s when the real freak comes out. Anyway, he hit me up the other day when I was trolling a dating site. He reminded me that we had been chatting a few months ago but then I stopped responding to him. The first thing I thought was “What creepy thing did you say to turn me off?” But I kept that thought to myself. We chatted online for a while and he appeared to be fairly normal. We exchanged numbers and he was appropriate in both the frequency and content of his text messages. No too shabs. Man, it’s a sad day in paradise when things like this are noteworthy. Anyway, he seemed pretty nice so we met at the local Chipotle.
When he got there I went in for a handshake, he went in for a hug. Awkward hugging ensued. We sat down for lunch and were having a pretty decent conversation. He asked me questions and listened to the answers. He didn’t say anything too “the fuck?”. However, at some point he started touching my leg with his. At first I thought it was accidental so I moved a few times to give him some more leg room. I even gave him the “oh, sorry.” and then moved my leg out of the way. But then he’d juxtapose to go back to the leg touch again. He did this a minimum of, let’s say, 6 times. Now, I watch Tough Love: New Orleans and I’ve heard all about this “touch a guy so they know they’re interested” fad. But I just wasn’t on board with the physical contact. It could have been worse though, I suppose. Much worse. Like the guy who came up to me at a bar holding out his hands and telling me that his hands are scales and asked if I wanted to know how much my boobs weighed. He could have done that. So I guess I’ll let this slide. We finished lunch. He added a second awkward hug to the docket and we went on our way.
By the by, I did some googling to find an awkward hug .gif and, surprisingly, I found a ton of videos on hugging how-tos. Here's a fun quiz: What's worse than an awkward hug? An awkward video about awkward hugging. Exhibits W, T & F:
That’s about it. Not really a lot to report here. Again, ANOTHER nice guy but there was no chemistry from my perspective. And, for all I know, not for him either.
By the by, I did respond to the artists’ rendering profile picture’s [see below] e-mail the other day. Just so I could be like “What’s the deal with your picture, guy?”. He said “I have a sketch instead. Keep in touch!” derp. No shit you have a sketch. But let’s get down to the meat of the matter: why? Whatever.
So anyway, I only have 5 more bachelors to go. hollerrrrrrr!! What are the chances I’ll meet the love ‘o my life in final stretches of this blog? Not likely? Alrightey then. Well, if the next 5 don’t work out I’m treating myself to an all-you-can-eat buffet with boob hand scales guy.
o.k. Bachelor #24 here is a gray area bachelor and I know it. But it involves all the elements of a date: a guy, free drinks, strippers, regret… And so, since I’m going to share this story, I'm also going to count this towards my date count. And you'll like it!! Well, hopefully you do.
Recently I went out with a friend of mine. (You know who you are… hey girl!) At some point her mom and uncle (well, technically uncle’s brother but they call him uncle) met up with us too. Her mom, uncle & I were getting along great, having a fun time and some funny conversation. We were discussing relationships and whatnot. It actually started with my friend telling them about my blog and that led to my friend’s mom telling me that women always think that uncle man is a player but that he’s totally not. I told him that women probably think that because he looks high maintenance. I suggested he might not throw off that vibe as much if he stopped dressing like the lead singer from Nickelback. I can guaranty you ‘ol dude has a perr of these:
He was wearing a cowboy-ish type shirt, embellished-pocket jeans that were most likely from the Buckle and some novelty bling. I let him know that most ladies don’t like when men wear more joo-ry than they do. I suggested that he lose the wood bead cross necklace and bracelet and wear a less flashy shirt. I suggested that, if women think he’s high maintenance, he should probably wear more of a plain shirt; maybe just a nice, solid color t-shirt, also he should perhaps invest in some elastic-waist tapered jeans from the Farm & Fleet and, obviously, top that off with some Crocs. Women would NEVER. EVER. think he invests too much time in his personal appearance. I was totally joking around about all of this. Well, I was 90% joking. Anyway, it was a fun night.
Fast forward 7 days and the 4 of us were out again. When I first rolled up on the scene he was quick to point out to me that he took my advice by wearing a plain-ish t-shirt and he ditched the bling. I gave him props and informed him that he should prepare for the 6 month supply of labia that would probably be thrown at him henceforth. Anyway, the night was really fun and drinks were flowing . Really flowing. He was buying me drinks. I bought him drinks. We were joking around a lot. All the sudden the lead singer of the Nicelback cover band here started looking pretty good to me. (He does have a really great personality, by the way, so it wasn’t just the beer talking.) At any rate, I had a pretty nice buzz going. The show we were at was wrapping up and he asked if I wanted to go out afterwards. I told him that I had ridden with my friend so he asked if we all wanted to go out. My friend & her mom didn’t. So we made arrangements for him to drive me home and my friend & her moms left. Uncle Bachelor #24-ish and I then took our party to another bar down the block and had a really pleasant conversation about relationships ‘n such. He told me about his marriage and divorce and how his work takes a toll on his relationships. Anyway, it was a nice conversation so it just felt right when he suggested we take our evening of mystery and intrigue across the street to the low-rent strip club. Fast forward to me not only having a beer thrown down my gullet but his tongue as well. Hi. My name is Toby and I’m a(n) (almost) middle-aged woman making out with my friend’s uncle at a strip club on a Thursday night. Oh well, it was fun. We left the bar and dropped $20 on some street vendor hot dogs while he heckled some cops that were parked at the corner watching for drunk drivers. So, he may as well have just said “Hey guys… you wanna pull me over in about... oh, say, 5 minutes?” Dumb. So I drove us home. And I went inside my house. Alone. okay? The next morning I opened my eyes to the view of a half-eaten hot dog on my night stand table. Not one of my finer moments but it was a fun night so I’m not going to complain.
By the way, for research purposes I googled 'half-eaten hot dog' and actually found this. I wish I would have been as excited about it as this kid:
I was supposed to have a date with Bachelor #25 last week. We had been texting quite a bit for about a week and I discovered that we both have seniors at the same high school. There was a meeting at the high school the night before we were supposed to go out so I was able to get a sneak peek at him in person. Aaaaand a sneak smell. I saw him and introduced myself and I was overcome with the… aroma? He smelled like he had just run a marathon through wine country. Tremendously bad body odor and, clearly, booze on his breath. It was really gross. Also, he had off work that day so it's not like he was just coming from his job working in the bowels of a hot coal mine that also served gin. Or something like that. Then, as we’re all waiting in line for the caps & gowns he starts talking to me about how he doesn’t like being alone and asking me if I want to get married again. Sorry guy but I really don’t feel like discussing my hopes and dreams in a line filled with my daughter’s classmates and parents. Also, you smell terrible so I think I’ll come back another day for the cap and gown. c-ya.
Lastly, as I had mentioned in one of my previous posts, I took myself off all dating sites but one and that’s only because I invested the 6 month fee and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to try and get the other 6 months for free. But then, since I’m not on some of the other priceless gems that are dating sites, I miss out on the hilarity of all those creepy dating profiles. So, the other day I decided to take one for the team and open up one of these profiles again. It wasn’t long before the likes of LonelyRepoMan and RomanticYoungerLover hit me up. Literally, like 5 minutes later. I also got an e-mail from this guy and this was his only picture:
Needless to say I’ll be compiling one of my patented WTF posts in the next couple of days. My gift… to you.
