Mama Said Knock You Out... But First, Let's Diversity Your Portfolio

Intrigued, you are. (Yoda, anyone?)

I had lunch with Bachelor #17 the other day. He is a 40-year-old investment banker who lives and works downtown. We hadn't spoken on the phone beforehand but had e-mailed each other enough. He didn't get weird or inappropriate once. He also didn't suggest meeting at a Mexican restaurant. So, all good signs.

We met and our conversation went well; no awkward lapses. He's had some interesting things happen to him in his life. The one tid bit that I found most interesting was that he was a pro boxer a few years ago. I'd be willing to bet that there aren't too many CPA pro boxers out there. I wonder if he had some cool name like "Number Crusher" or "I'm Going To Make Your Pocket Protector Mah Bitch". Well, that last one's kind of wordy. Dang it, I should have asked him that. Anyway, I thought it was kind of cool that he became pro just a few years ago. So he was 38 and fighting 20-somethings. That takes a set of abacus beads to get out there and try something like that.

Artists' (my) rendering of what I think a CPA boxer would, or should, look like

Anyway, the turkey wrap and conversation were both good. He wasn't really what I go for in the looks department which isn't a deal breaker. I've dated people before where I wasn't necessarily attracted to them. However, their personality was intriguing enough to me where I developed an attraction over time. And while this guy was super nice I don't know if he fits into that category. He wants to go out again. I may give it a second round but we'll see.

I was supposed to go to this with possible Bachelor #18 last weekend:

World of Wheels 

Jealousss? Oh, you're not?

So, this guy & I had been e-mailing and talking for about 2 weeks. He started out seemingly normal. He was very nice... a little on the boring side though. He didn't really make me chuckle much, or at all, but nice enough.

Anyway, about a week before our date was supposed to happen I started to see some red-ish flags. He told me he'd gone to the hospital twice in two days with panic attacks and anxiety and how upset he was that they wouldn't give him his meds because he drove himself. Then he was telling me that he went to visit his family out of town and pretty much spent the entire weekend sleeping on their couch. Around that time he sent me some fairly needy & insecure texts that made those red-ish flags a little more vibrant. So, obvs this guy has some issues. Which, we all do. I'm really not judging him for what he seems to be going through. But I don't think I'm willing to pursue something with a stranger who already seems to need so much affirmation and attention. And rides to the hospital so he can be medicated. Needless to say, I nipped this one in the bud and decided not to go out with him. Damn it to hell. I really wanted to get my picture taken with Billy the Exterminator at the World of Wheels. I suppose I'll just have to hang out in the lobby of Batzner Pest Management and see if Jerry will let me snap a picture of the two of us.

Billy the Exterminator... you're out. Jerry Batzner... you're in.


I've got a few conversations going on with some other people. Nothing terribly interesting though. (Not to imply that anything up to this point has been interesting anyway.) I still have to go through some of the names of people my friends picked. I should do that soon. I don't have much on the horizon now and I could really go for a chimichanga...

Happy Fucking Valentine's Day

Well, here we are. Another Valentine’s Day where the best thing I’ll be getting is an e-mail from my ex-boyfriend with this picture of some random dude wheelbarrowing a Lay-Z-Boy that said “Happy Valentine Day”.

Cut to me killing myself. Then cut to me changing my mind because next week’s Real Housewives of Atlanta looks pretty good.

So, since I won’t be receiving any cards, flowers, candy, or anything crotchless, I’ll take out my frustrations on making fun of people.

My first target is this guy. Per his profile, this gent/gem says that he is good at “tickle-torture… you’ve been warned”. Um, I think the profile picture was my first warning. Oh and just look at that picture. I like a guy who takes the time to wear his best hooded sweatshirt for a professional photo shoot. I also like all the keys he has hanging from his belt loop. Could one be the key to your heart?

Et tu, pedo bear? This guy had about 10 pictures and in all of them (except this one) he was proudly displaying a puka shell necklace. Very Stan Zbornak. And in half of these pictures he was on full display with an excessive amount of guyliner. ("excessive" and "guyliner" does seem a bit redundant to me.) The whole thing confuses me. Meaning, how is this guy still single?

Now here's a guy that you can bring home to memaw and pepaw. He's just your average single dad of 4 and avid weed smoker. Oh, and he maaay have the middle finger tattooed on his head. I mean, you can't toss out EVERY guy who has a profane skull tat. We ladies would never date!

Meet LikesTrouble13. You know what he doesn’t like? Nair. Now, I don’t mind a hairy guy; in fact, I actually kind of like it. But this was his ONLY profile picture. Why wouldn't he have a picture of his face? Oh wait... o.k. I figured out why. According to his profile he's in a “sexless and dying marriage”. He'll be in town from Houston on an upcoming business trip and is looking for some meaningful and tender extramarital nookie. Jot me down for some of that never.

Moving on... here's a guy who evidentially loves to shop. I mean, 2 of his 3 profile pictures were in da (grocery) store. And you can tell that they were taken on different days and in 2 different stores. He seems really comfortable in the frozen food aisle. I like that in a guy.

Also, am I the only one who got Menudo's "At The Shopping Mall" stuck in their head when they saw these pics? What? I am?

A guy dressed as a baby...

Lupita the wolf spider...

Oh, then there's this picture that was on some dude's dating profile. I feel like I know him from somewhere. Like I've seen him on TV or something...

Oh, that's it. I must not have recognized him without his mustache.

aah... that made me feel better. Now I can go through the rest of the day not smashing my co-worker's roses on the floor while yelling "You don't deserve love!" I'm only kidding. I'm almost totally cool with being alone on a day like today and am happy for anyone who has found love or a comparable simulation.

But to anyone reading this, will you be my Valentine?

Ménage a Text

I kick-started my date-a-thon again and had my first official date of this round last Friday. Bachelor #16 contacted me online a few weeks ago. He was a really nice guy and we seemed to have a good amount in common. We spoke on the phone a few times and texted. A lot. But not because I was texting back necessarily. This guy was a way overtexter. And this is from a girl who loves a good text or 10. However, he would send a threesome of texts almost every time. Not just one, wait to hear back… send another. Nope. I learned very quickly to ignore the first text because 1 – 2 more would soon be on their way. And I was right. But, since he was a nice guy I decided to give him a chance in person. Only really quickly though so we had a pre-work coffee date.

Almost immediately I felt like I was on a really awkward job interview. He was asking me a lot of questions like where I see myself in a year/3 years, asking what my dating experiences have been (in detail) and implying a future together. He also used the term “special journey” which made me cringe a little. I know it’s these kinds of things that my friends & family hate hearing from me. They’d say “What’s the big deal?” Like when I tentatively decided to stop seeing someone because I saw that he had an excessive amount of bumper stickers on his car. There is a certain mentality to a human being who looks at a sticker and says “Yeah. About 7 – 10 of these would look great on my Neon.”  Sometimes small things like this are a turn-off.

I could tell when we met in person that, while he is very nice, he’s just not the one for me. The date was short and we had relatively good conversation so it was fine. He put me on the spot by asking to see me again and I said sure. I hate when guys ask that when you're sitting right in front of them. I mean, what am I supposed to say? But anyway, he sent me a text right after he left - he played it cool and only sent one. Then I got another threesome in the afternoon some time and then again later that night. He told me to call him when I had time because he “just wanted to talk”. That’s when I busted out my patented “It was really nice meeting you today but I just don’t feel a dating connection with us. But good luck to you!” He proceeded to send me 3 texts in a row that consisted of: 1.) "Whoa", 2.) “Seriously? Why not me?” and 3.) “What was it that I did or said?”. I felt like I was breaking up with someone I had invested actual time with. In fact, it was worse than breaking up with someone I had invested actual time with. Even the guy with the bumper stickers only sent 1, maybe 2 texts back. I just told him that I know pretty early on and could tell I didn’t feel chemistry between us. So he responds with “I liked you. So you’re not willing to give me a chance?” Well gee… if you like me then who cares how I feel? Sure. Let’s book a trip to the Poconos. At that point I asked him to please respect my feelings as I would if the situation were reversed. I got one more text from him and haven’t heard from him since. I know that was a bit of a rant but it was a little rough. But I still have about 14 more bachelors to go so I have to keep on.

But let's get to the real highlight of this second round. Last week I gave a handful of people the login & password to one of these sites I’m on. It’s a total trust fall move and I’m hoping they don’t judge me too harshly for my profile or for me having to resort to online dating. I kid because I know that ship has sailed. But anyhoo, the rules were basically to peruse the site and give me their top 3 picks (if they can find that many). Just give me their user names. I kept the criteria pretty open except that I had a set age range-ish, I didn’t want anybody who was separated and steer clear of anybody wearing a white belt in any of their pictures. Pretty easy, I think. Also, they are not to wink or e-mail anyone on their own.

At this time I’d like to give special props to my girl Erin.

She immediately set sail on the S.S. Clusterfuck and by the end of that same day I already had an e-mail sitting in my in-box from her with her top 3 picks. It was kind of like opening a Christmas present to read what she had to say. My favorite quote from her e-mail was “There are definitely some people (seemingly) with potential out there, but wading through the others is borderline exhausting (albeit entertaining). It reminds me of thrift shopping - there *might* be a Prada sweater on that rack somewhere, but you have to sift through hundreds of unattractive, pilled, maybe even moth-eaten sweaters just to find it.” So true. But Prada? At this point I’d settle for Croft + Barrow.

Since then I’ve gotten several more picks from my franns. I’ve reached out to 1 or 2 and I’ll get to the others if I decide I might be interested. But it’s been fun to see who they picked and read or hear their commentaries. I’m sure this experience will make my married friends appreciate their husbands even more. And my single friends… well, let’s pencil in meeting for Kool-Aid mid-May some time.