Ohai-atus!

On Monday I went out with my first set up. Bachelor #15 is a guy that my cousin (and her mom) thought would be great for me. She said he’s very nice, he always has them laughing, he’s responsible. Sounds good. Sign me up.

He & I spoke on the phone several times. He was certainly nice and I suppose I chuckled a few times too. However, he sharted all over most of my ideas of 'fun'. When I asked him if he likes to go bowling he said “I actually hate bowling.” o.k. I told him that I really like going to Chicago and he said he didn’t like Chicago either. But then about a minute later he told me he’s never actually been to Chicago but “it just doesn’t seem like it would be my thing.” Here's a thought... how about you try something first before dismissing it, guy? There were at least 2 other things he gave the thumbs down to that I brought up. And that was just in our first conversation. He has a very narrow spectrum of what he does in his spare time. And, if that works for him, that’s fine. But I’m the total opposite. I just like to keep my options open and I would prefer someone with a like mindset. By the way, my cousin insists he was just doing this "to be funny". No. But even if that was the case, I don't get the "joke".

Additionally, he also used the word ‘FAIL’ (All caps. Usually followed by an 'lol'.) on me many times both on the phone and via text. Like when I said I still had Christmas shopping to do. And when I didn’t answer one of his phone calls. And when I said I hadn't been feeling well the day before. And when I said I didn’t know where I wanted to meet him for lunch. It got pretty old.

Basically, I knew I was not interested in this guy but I decided I’d still go out with him to appease my cousin.

So we met in person and he was a lot less… annoying? He was really laid back and nice. Of course, a little while into the date he told me that he was pretty well drugged up since he had been sick for a few days. This is the second guy I’ve gone out with since I started this thing that’s overdosed before the date. At least I didn’t have to drive this one home. [See: Bachelor #2 ]

But overall the date was fine. He works for my uncle’s company (where a lot of my family members work) so we spent some time catching up on the family gossip that I’m not privy to otherwise. There were definitely some lulls in the conversation so that aforementioned family gossip was a good thing to fall back on.

In a nutshell, very nice guy but we don't have much in common. Also, he wants kids and the thought of having more kids makes me violently ill.

So, with that I'm going to be taking a break from this self-imposed date-a-thon for a bit. I'm (moooost likely) taking down my online profiles and am going into hibernation for just a little while. But not too long. While this experience has been fraught with creeps and assholes, there has still been a lot about it that has been fun and an interesting learning experience for me. I have gone out with a few pretty cool people and, while none of them have worked out thus far, I still had fun. And if I don’t put myself out there, nothing good will ever happen. Or so they say, right? I'll still be updating my blog with some "observations" for the 3 people that read this. So fear not, while I won't officially be doing much dating for the next several weeks, I'll still be lovin', touchin' and bloggin'. (Full circle.) Namaste.

At The (Almost) 50 Yard Line

I went out with Bachelor #14 last Wednesday night. No surprise we went to a Mexican restaurant since chimichangas apparently enhance male testosterone levels or something. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 100 times: Gringos love Mexican restaurantes. (I’m short on ideas here so look at this picture.)

Anyway, B#14 & I had been e-mailing for a week or two. He's a defense attorney who grew up in Brooklyn, NY (so had a nice little accent). He also had a good sense of humor and was a really nice guy. He didn't get inappropriate at all during our e-mail exchanges which was nice. It's kind of sad when something fairly Captain Obvious becomes a plus.

We met in person and the conversation flowed really well. We had a lot to talk about and had some things in common. For instance, we were both kicked out of one of our high schools. Now, if that's not something to bond over, I don't know what is. Another plus was that he seemed interested in the things I was talking about, he asked me questions and actually listened to the answers. All good things. (More Captain Obvious.)

Again, a really nice date and an overall good experience. I told him that, with Christmas coming and me not having started shopping yet, the next few days would be really busy for me and I would probably be MIA. But that didn’t stop him from emailing me 13 TIMES over the next couple of days. I only responded to maybe the second or third e-mail but he just kept them coming. Holy crap. Good thing we never exchanged numbers because I can only imagine what the text situation would be like if I've gotten this many e-mails.

As nice as our date was, I didn't feel a dating connection with him so this is one that I will not be pursuing. Of course, the excessive e-mails clinched that. Also, I am taking that little break from dating. Well, with one exception. I had my first set-up yesterday. My cousin & her mom think they've got a great guy for me. I'll be the judge of that! Which works nicely because I'm super judgmental. I’ll be posting about that one soon.

When I Walk Into the John… It’s a Photo Shoot!

In case you’re one of the people who doesn’t get that reference (aka everyone), check it. Gucci Mane. Yeah, I’m hard core.

So, I’ve come to the very obvious conclusion that men love to take pictures of themselves in the mirror. Preferably the bathroom mirror; it’s a lot more roomy. It seems really bizarre to me but I do get enjoyment from these pictures. I find myself focusing more on what’s in the background or on their counters than I do of them. I think “Hmmm… he uses Scope. I bet he loves cats.” Or “Is that Suave *Professionals* I see in the background? He must be doing well for himself.”

What is with this mirror portrait phenomenon? Are these men reclusive? Do they not go to any functions or have any friends where they have at least one photo opportunity? I don’t know if women do this on dating sites. I’d imagine so. I’ve often thought about creating a fake dude profile so I could lurk on womens’ dating profiles to see the turdey stuff they do. Maybe for my next blog I’ll do some kind of Yentl-type shit.

Anyway, I’ve just been really noticing it lately so I thought I’d feature a few of my favorites. (These really are taken from the dating sites I'm on.)

o.k. here's a pretty basic picture. He's not trying to do anything fancy. He's not dressing up for the occasion. Lot of guys will switch up their hats or shirts. I imagine they call in sick to work and plan a whole 8-hour bathroom photo shoot. Not this guy. Hit it and quit it. Moving on...

This guy is taking things up juuust a notch. He's got the gangtsta lean, he upgraded the black t-shirt with some neon graphics of a shirtless man wearing a neck tie and then added a lime green watch. Nice touches, guy. What's that? A pinky ring? o.k. I see you...

This next fellow is funky fresh dressed to impress, ready to party. Except that he forgot his socks. But that's o.k. because he is woooorkin' it! I quite like the foot on the bathroom counter. Very editorial. I think Trya Banks would love the liberties he's taken with his poses.

And speaking of liberties, there's this one. As you can see, I've libertized (not a word. going with it.) my black square in what I believe is probably a very accurate portrayal. No doubt about it, this gentleman is looking for love. He'll be married, or in the porn industry, within a year.

This guy is once, twice, three times the Affliction. You've got our attention.

Then there's this guy. Trying to be coy and not look directly at the mirror. Oh what's that, telephone? You're taking a picture? I'm just over here watching CSPAN. Let me know when you're done. (But make SURE you get my ponytail in the picture or I'll scratch your eyes out.)

This isn’t *technically* a mirror picture. I mean, the production value is way better. But it does look like it was taken in a bathroom and it’s just so fucking festive I can’t resist.

I’m totally staying tuned to this guy’s dating profile. I can't wait to see what he does for Easter!

An Invitation I Can't Refuse...

Or can I? So, this guy who contacted me sure is setting the stage for an evening of mystery and intrigue. I can't help but think that his real bathroom looks nothing like this. I'm guessing there are fewer champagne glasses and more tapped out tubes of Preparation H. And replace those rose petals strewn about with dirty boxers. Fellas, amiright? Needless to say, unlike soap on a rope, I will be letting this one slip through my fingers.

Then, as if I could barely resist the bachelor above, I get a wink from this guy. He had about 20 pictures of himself including this gem:

Temptation? Is that you? In reality, this is what I did when I saw this picture:

• Brief glance at the ass.
• Rolled my eyes.
• Turned my attention to what was on the shower curtain. Are those tigers?
• More attention to the tigers on the shower curtain.
• Noted the hole in the jeans.
• Moved on. Well, print screen of this for the blog and THEN I moved on.

Oh, and last night I got an e-mail from someone who knew me in high school AND got one of my friends pregnant. Twice. He wants to get together. File that under: Happening -> Never.

I'm so glad to be taking a break from this for a while. Dating is exhaustive and, quite honestly, can be fairly depressing. If nothing else, discouraging. The pickins are slim and, at my ripe old age, the men come with a lot more baggage. And not just like a fanny pack. A complete set of Samsonite luggage. Not that I am implying I don't have my fair share of bullshit that I carry around. I'm just better at.. unpacking? Or so I think. (Just don't ask any of my exes because they are all liars.) Next!

Hello? Is It Me You're Looking For?

Nope.

Today I had coffee with Bachelor #13. The end. Really, that's all I wish I could write here. This date was just so meh that it's barely worth writing about. But I will.

After a few weeks of occasionally texting and e-mailing, we did set up a time to meet so we got together for some coffee this afternoon. He was very gentlemanly; opened doors for me, helped me get my coat off, pulled out my chair. All very nice.

He started out by telling me about his severe health issues and how he was blind for a year, how he's had pancreas and kidney transplants and a bevy of other ailments. Those are all *kind of* a big deal so big ups to him for getting through all that. He told me how all of that has given him a really positive outlook on life and how, because of his blindness, he's come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as an unattractive women. Liar. Of course, later on in the conversation he did go on to diss the morbidly obese women that have contacted him on the dating sites so I suppose his take on how beautiful the world is is relative to the topic. But really, this date was just very ho-hum. I had had a late night the night before and was tired and really wanted to get back home so I could watch the Packers game. (13-0, bitcheeeees!) So, we ended it with a hug and went our separate ways. Very nice guy but just a little boring. Not interested. Check, please.

I know, this date was boring. But I came across these humorous (or, at least they were in my sick mind) dating memes that hopefully will make up for all that:

Blind Date Murderer

So, that's it. I'm going to go out on 2 more dates so I hit the mid-mark and then I'm going to take a small hiatus from this dating thing. Just some time off for the holidays. And also, because it has been exhaustive having to rassle up 15 partially decent guys to go out with on top of dealing with the usual dating bullshit.

Oh, I was having dinner with my siblings & cousin the other night and my sister told me, ala Millionaire Matchmaker Patty Stanger, that she thinks "my picker is off". I'm not finding the right guys for me. That led us to a discussion that will completely revolutionize my next 15 bachelors. Or, a good number of them, at least. So, the second round of my date-a-thon will be largely chosen by my family & friends. They're going to set me up with people that they think would be a good match for me. It will be extremely interesting to see the kinds of people that they think I should go out with. Hopefully their picker is better than mine. If not, it's going to make next Thanksgiving veeery uncomfortable.

Cat Fancy

I had a date with Bachelor #12 last week. He had called me a few times before our date and he was sooo boring. He just talked and talked and talked and barely came up for air. If he were on that Tough Love show, Steve Ward would have ripped him a new one over that. I don't think he even cared if I was listening to him or not. Which happened to work out well for me because I was able to get in a few games of online Solitaire and finished watching an episode of Hoarders.

But even though he was a snoozer and told me that he hangs up Christmas stockings for his cats, I decided that I'd give him a chance.

We met at a downtown watering hole. He was less boring in person so that was better. His sense of humor was awkward though. I asked him if he was into politics at all (I know, I know... we're not supposed to talk about that on the first date but I do what I want!). He was very firm in his belief that our local news anchor, Kathy Mykleby, a fixture on our local news broadcasts for probably 30 years, should be relieved of her duties to make room for younger and more attractive women. That was how he answered my question about news & politics. Then he did a very weird impersonation of her (see: aforementioned awkward sense of humor) in which he only spoke out of one side of his mouth and used his elbows a lot. I've never seen Kathy do this but I suppose if that is his experience with her, so be it. But, clearly, he was very passionate about this subject. He even named a few women that he thought would fit Kathy's old memaw Hush Puppies nicely.

He's a tech guy and I have some interest in the internets so I was able to expand on that topic which helped the conversation. (I think the birthday shot of Wild Turkey that he got me also helped the conversation.) We actually got on a topic that I'm interested so I just kept asking him questions about it and found it to be quite educational. He did know a lot about the subject matter.

So the conversation was going relatively well when he told me about one of his side businesses. And no, it's not selling pet stockings. In fact, he sells kits that promise to prevent premature ejaculation. Yes, he's a penis helper pusher. Of all the things in the world to sell (macramé beer cozies, adult pajamas that you can wear to the grocery store, cat stockings), why this? My best guess is that it's a subject that is near and dear to his... heart?

So, we chatted for a bit more but I had had enough. And, quite frankly, I wanted to get home in time for Family Guy. I bid him adieu and walked to my car only to find a parking ticket for $22. There goes my ejaculation kit money!